I stopped drinking in 1993, 17 years ago. I went to a bar last night, not something I do very often, as in virtually never. It’s not that I mind bars, or am tempted to drink. I just have very little reason to go to one.
Last night I had a good reason. My daughter invited me to be on her ‘Trivia Night’ team that this bar, the Sound Pony in Tulsa, hosts every week. It started at 10pm. That’s about the time we are watching the news and getting ready for bed. But I love trivia and she really wanted me to play because she thought we would win for sure if I was on the team. Ego stroking will make me do many things.
So, we got our team name ‘My Grandfather Was President of Encyclopedia Brittanica’ and set off to destroy the competition. I didn’t think much of the really loud, really drunk team next to us, led by 2 sisters who were feeling no pain. We had to switch answers to grade them, just like in elementary school and after 4 out of 5 rounds, we were tied with our boisterous new BFFs to our right. My reputation was at stake!
There is a physical challenge part each week, and last night it was, surprise, surprise…an easter egg hunt out back. My daughter and her friend did the hunt and came back with 8 eggs. Our sisterly competition came back with 7. After the music segment, which we tied again, the totals were counted and….VOILA, we won! By how much? By 1/2 a point…the value of one egg.
So, the moral of this story is that it’s harder to find eggs when you are really drunk so you shouldn’t drink. Well ok, that’s not the moral. But it’s probably true.
The real moral of the story is I am very glad I quit drinking 17 years ago and going to a bar makes me feel like I haven’t missed a thing. This blog was going to be about why I stopped drinking, but that is now for another day, maybe tomorrow.
With your mind convinced you are getting back at someone, your hand around their psychological neck, with the free hand you are popping the pill that will kill you. You might be able to make life a bit miserable for the other person, it is true. You might be able to distort their world in the short term. But in the end, the resentment inhabits you, not them, and you will be the one disfigured and distorted by it.
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” – Malachy McCourt, 1931 – not dead yet, Irish-American writer, actor and politician
What makes a person fill their life with hatred? We see a lot of it lately in the political realm with people who are so vehement about their hatred for all things Obama, just as we saw it with anti-Bush people not so long ago. It seems to be getting worse. You see it in people who go over the edge with hatred for their co-workers, family, spouses, etc. They let it consume themselves so much that they rationalize violence and murder.
What can it be but an empty life that allows for nothing to take them off the path of hatred? Where else can they travel if nothing else exists for them? How do you get off your hatred path when you are on it?
I am easily distracted. I was thinking about it recently after a conversation so went looking for a profound quote about it. Instead I found the real essence of distraction in this song lyric from my youth.
Distraction is about stimulation and passion. The young boy is passionate, and then he is passionate again in a different direction. The artist is passionate about oil paints, then is passionate about watercolors, then woodcuts. The engineer is passionate about vibration modalities, then is passionate about tolerances of hybrid substances in super cold environs.
The lessons of distraction are all about mastering what you are passionate about when. Not IF you are passionate, but when you are passionate. Delaying gratification, putting aside the stimulating distraction (or getting rid of it altogether).
That is the battle, isn’t it. What are you distracted by, and how do you combat it? Or do you? Is there something to be said for the element of distraction in life? Can it be a good thing?
When my daughters were small I remembering getting sympathy from others because we had 3 in 4 years. It was the cliché of the ‘headache’. But it didn’t really produce an actual headache for me, and my wife didn’t often say she had one. What it really was was an ever-constant mental vigilance. I think most couples are amazed by the overwhelming amount of attention you must pay to this eating and pooping machine for so many years!
There does come a time when you can let them play alone for periods of time. They do eventually go to school. Little by little the need to physically supervise them levels off and the emotional supervision starts up. I remember those same people who were sympathetic to me about having 3 young ones, were, at the same time, saying ‘oh, wait ten years, then you will have 3 teenagers!’ There was dread in their voice.
And it is true that the teen years have more emotional drama than a parent might choose, but I didn’t have many more heartaches than I had real headaches 10 years earlier. What I had was ever constant emotional vigilance, this time to help them navigate through the minefields of adolescence. I wish I did it better, all parents do.
And then the third phase. It’s the phase that doesn’t get rid of the first two, but combines them. Your child might be out of the house, but he or she is still growing into adulthood, still physically trying to find their home in the world, still trying to find their emotional ground. You are at a greater distance, yes. But the desire, and the opportunity, to be of service to them never ends, whether offering an old table for her first dining room or a shoulder to cry on when the first big relationship goes south.
I am glad being a parent can never be taken away from me, no matter how old my children get. And no amount of headaches and heartaches can ever change my mind about that.
What do you like about being a parent, or about your parents if you are a mini-person still?
Does this look different? Ok, it’s an experiment! I am working on creating an video of a napkin actually being created. I thought I would start in Photoshop and use the ‘actions’ feature to record me drawing one using my Wacom digitizing tablet. It didn’t work. It drew the whole thing only to find that it recorded each color change I did, just not the actual drawing! Oh well.
A good lesson for all you budding artists out there. Do NOT expect to have good results for quite a while when you try a new medium, whether oil paints or a Wacom tablet. I am showing mine anyway, so you can see my progress (if I ever try it again, that is). My next attempt will probably be to use my actual camera to record each stroke as I make it. I expect that will take me a long time.
But I am not tired of thinking nor have I reached a conclusion!
What faults are those? Of others? Yes. Your own? Yes. If the fault you are angry about was an actual box, what would you find if you unwrapped it? What would be deep inside? Something you fear perhaps? If there is anger, fear is lurking behind it.
I know a lot of people who say politicians are all crooks, the system corrupts them even if they start out with good intentions. They think they are different than the rest of us. They have sold out, they are open to the highest bidder, they have no conscience of their own. They are all controlled by special interests, etc.
For the most part I don’t believe this to be the case. I think they are driven by the same things most anyone else is driven by:
Self-preservation
Gathering some degree of wealth and security
Having people like them
Having a good reputation
Wanting to do something good in the world
Not wanting to be misunderstood
Wanting to be given credit for hard work
Within those desires people make all sorts of choices. Some are governed by fear of losing an election, fear of losing power. Others are governed by gaining security and wealth more than other elements on that list. Depending on their ethics and courage to withstand pressure, they may or may not be open to being corrupted. They might even search it out. But honestly I do not think most politicians are like that. They are just like you and me, they fear dying, whether in their political career or their life. Sometimes they mistake one for the other.
“Politics is more dangerous than war, for in war you are only killed once.” – Winston Churchill, 1874-1965, British Prime Minister 1940-1945, 1951-1955
The country I am from, the US, has a long history of this separation. It is constantly being questioned and sometimes people want to rewrite our history to say we don’t really have this separation, but the truth is we do, and it’s always been there. I believe it is a good thing.
What about those of you in other countries? How does it work where you are from? Do you like it like that or would you like a different system?
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that they both screw us up enough on their own, so them together is certain death.” – George Carlin, 1937-2008, American comedian
It was 70º ƒ and sunny with a mild breeze friday evening as I ran my 4 mile training run. 12 hours later it was 29º and sleeting with a 25 mph winds and our long training run was cancelled. Tomorrow it should be 50º and sunny and we will run, dag nabbit!
People here in Oklahoma have a saying, ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait an hour, it will change’. And indeed that often is the case, especially in spring. Being connected to the world via blog, Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn you realize that that same saying is used in many parts of the world, not just in Okieland. People take a perverse pride in how screwy their weather is.
I was born and raised on the beach in California. The popular imagination of the world says it is always sunny there. but in truth through much of the year there are early morning low clouds that create an overcast grey sheet along the coast. It burns away by 10-12 and it becomes a beautiful day most of the time but San Diego even has a saying for one of the summer months, calling it the June Gloom because of how much cloud cover there is, lasting for days at a time.
Don’t get me started on the other places I have lived; Connecticut, Ohio, Michigan, Massachusetts, Maryland and Virginia. Actually they aren’t that bad, I just wanted an excuse to list all the places I have lived.
Where have you lived and which place had the screwiest weather?
“In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours.” – Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens), 1835-1910, American writer
I need a favor. My niece, Jenna, was flattened by a PIRATE SHIP. It was traumatic so she decided to take a vacation. I need YOU to download and print Flat Jenna and take a photo of her with you, where you live.
Yes, I am talking about YOU ALL OVER THE WORLD and in the US. I know this blog goes to a lot of countries every day so come through for me! Send it to your friends so they can take pics too.
Once you take the photo I need you to send it to me a napkindad@martycoleman.com I need your name, city, country and where you are (home, zoo, kitchen, white house, etc) when you take the photo as well. Want to give more info about the photo and what flat jenna is doing in it? Cool! It will be fun. You can take more than one photo too!
It’s that simple. I need the photos by the end of this week, March 26th, ok?
If you like The Napkin Dad Daily, I hope you will do this for me and my niece!
And more people would admit their mistakes if they didn’t get completely trashed and condemned because of them. A good lesson for parents to learn. You want your kids to admit and learn? Then treat their mistakes as just that, mistakes. Teach them how the mistake might have been avoided, but don’t denigrate them as if they meant to do it, or were stupid for doing it. They are kids, remember?
“More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them.” – Harold J. Smith (Jay Silverheels), 1919-1980, Actor. Played Tonto in The Lone Ranger television show.
When I was in the second year of my first marriage, we moved into my in-laws house while we reestablished ourselves in San Jose. Getting a job, applying to grad schools, and other things kept us living there for almost 11 months. I was, and still am, grateful for the openheartedness the Johnson family showed to me during that time.
One thing that I learned from that time was the benefits and drawbacks of being a busy man. My then father-in-law was a busy man. He kept moving and working on something all day, almost every day. He had a full-time job, and on nights and weekends he was in the garage making, testing, fixing, building, evaluating or finding something. He fixed everything himself, he tested everything before and after he fixed it. He had a purpose and a reason behind everything he did. It was in his engineering nature. He is still like that.
He accomplished a lot every day. I learned a lot about repairing cars, appliances and any number of home improvement projects because of it. But I also remember what, to me, were the drawbacks. The inability to enjoy something without trying to figure out how it worked. The freedom to enjoy a TV show without feeling like you were wasting time (unless it was an educational program of course). It was always a source of amusement to see him stand in the doorway of the TV room watching a show, a whole show, but not sitting down. That way he felt he was just stopping briefly while doing projects.
But one thing I do know when I compare him to me (inclined to be busy, inclined to not be). I think I battle a lot more devils than he ever did. Maybe that isn’t true, maybe he had deep dark secrets I don’t know about. But I think it is safe to say his major, if not only, devil was time. Time was on his back always. But it was a scrawny time. It wasn’t enough time.
I on the other hand, I think up plans and ideas and things to do. I actually do some of them. But I do a lot less than I wish, mostly because I am not as filled with the moral drive to be busy all the time. Sometimes I wish I was, other times I am very grateful I am not. My devils over the years have included that same ‘time’, but it has companions of ‘thought’ and ‘waste’ and ‘trouble making’ among the thousands.
Of course, I have only mentioned the time devil and its friends. There is a time angel and friends as well, and I will bring those up…when I have time.
I don’t subscribe to the ‘abiding sense of tragedy’ idea. But I, as well as many others of Irish descent, do share a great sense of irony about life. It might be because I know that bad things will happen. I know that disease will come somewhere, accidents will come somewhere, heartbreak, loneliness, betrayal, setbacks, plans delayed. All that happens in real life.
I have experienced it many times, from being blown up when I was 18 and burned on 70% of my body to my mother almost dying from a brain hemorrhage and spending 9 months in the hospital to a divorce to a family member having serious emotional and mental issues. But what family doesn’t have tragedy? I am not unique in any way in that regard.
What I think the quote is really saying is that tragedy doesn’t destroy me. I know it will come and I take it as it is given, as part of life. I don’t like it, I do my best to avoid it, but I know I ultimately can’t, just as I can’t avoid the ultimate step in life, the end of it.
The great thing about knowing this is that it allows me to face reality head on. I am not afraid of it because I am familiar with it. It’s not exactly a friend, but it is an acquaintance I am on speaking terms with. And as a result I can go about my business with my other friends and acquaintances; love, joy, happiness, humor and passion in confidence, knowing tragedy isn’t my only companion.
“Being Irish, I have an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains me through temporary periods of joy.” – W. B. Yeats, 1865-1939, Irish Poet. Winner of the 1923 Nobel Prize for Literature
Think of the predominant opinions of past generations. I know that some people do still believe these things, maybe even you do. But they are no longer the predominant beliefs in much of the world, and are fading away in areas where they are still strong.
For example:
The earth is flat
The liver is the center of intelligence
Tomatoes are poisonous
Interracial marriages will create monster babies
Slavery is legitimate
Women are intellectually inferior to men
People in hotter climates are less intelligent
Wealth proves moral uprightness
Life spontaneously generates from non-life
Physical deformities from birth prove immorality in the family’s past
Now think of what the prevailing opinions are in your society now. Do you think they will be around in 90 years? Tell me what opinions and ideas you think will go by the wayside by 2100.
It’s getting close to spring, or fall for my southern hemisphere friends. Hello Australia, southern Africa and South America!
Weather predictors might say they have data on the future, economists might say it as well. Many believe they can use models to predict. And that is what they are doing, predicting. They do not know for certain. The same is true with your own life, your own heart, your own adventure.
The worst thing one can do is condemn their future because of their past. To avoid that trap remember to put a ‘yet’ on the end of any declarative statement that has ‘never’ in it.
I have never climbed a mountain…yet. I have never had a successful relationship….yet.
I haven’t ever felt beautiful….yet. I haven’t ever gone to Europe…yet. I have never run a marathon…yet.
Add the ‘yet’ to your statements and see how it opens up your future instead of closing it off.
“There is no data on the future.” – Laurel Cutler, American business woman. I couldn’t find out much about her except that she is in PR. If you find out more about her, let me know. And let her know I used her quote, ok?
Is there such a thing as moderately rich? Doesn’t rich mean you aren’t in the moderate category in the first place? Oh well, I don’t expect to find out soon!
Would you ever be moody if you were moderately rich? Would you be ever be miserable if you were REALLY rich? Do those things really have much to do with money and possessions?
I would be moody if I rang the lunch bell and the servant brought a cold tuna melt. That would make me moody.
“They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?” – Lady Diana Spencer, 1961-1997, Princess of Wales
After a lot of entries I finally decided on a quote and commentary for last weeks challenge of being the Napkin Dad Daily’s first guest blogger. The winner is Amy Hanson of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma!
Time and again we’ve heard the saying ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’. I wonder how true that really is. I wonder if age is even an issue. We all have preconceived notions regarding age and ability. I have been guilty of believing the sentiment that teaching an old dog new tricks is futile. Recently though I have become aware that its more about how well we, as teachers, understand the lesson we are trying to impart.
Certainly we’ve all had teachers who just go through the motions of reading the words, and putting the entire responsibility of the lesson on the student. I think the greatest thing a teacher can do is to get to know the students and their learning styles. When we change our perceptions of how people ‘do learn’ vs ‘should learn’, how people ‘do understand’ vs ‘should understand’ we then become more aware of how to deliver the lesson.
For example, when a whole class does poorly the teacher is often quick to blame the students for a variety of reasons; laziness, lack of motivation, etc. when in truth it could be how the teacher conveyed the lesson. I actually had a teacher during my years in school who recognized this. After universally bad results from a test she announced a retake for the entire class, and issued an apology in the way the material was presented. This worked incredibly well. The teacher and students alike were pleased at the results. Looking back I realize it was no easy feat for her to do that and I’ve admired it ever since.
A new way of communicating the same old thing really speaks volumes to an old dog trying desperately to hear.
I got a great note today from a subscriber to The Napkin Dad Daily. She works with the homeless every day and just wrote to express her appreciation for the daily encouragement she gets from this blog. That means a lot to me! I drew this in honor of her efforts in life.
As funny as this is, it’s unfortunate that some really do think that the homeless are just out on the street trying to milk a system, avoid work, being irresponsible about life in general. I am not saying there are not some that do those things. Of course there are, just as there are people in upper middle class enclaves trying to avoid paying taxes and and wanting to get more than they deserve from the work they do. Those feelings of entitlement and being owed are not the exclusive domain of the poor or homeless.
The truth however, is that most homeless are just as complex as you are. They have reasons they don’t understand for why they chose to stay away from family homes, shelters, protected spaces. I know, I have had a few in my family that I have seen go through it.
They are afraid. Afraid of being controlled, of being given medication that will ‘infect’ them. They are afraid of disappointing others so they stay away from them. They are afraid of being a burden so they choose to forego contact with those they love.
There is a high probability that they have a brain disease. I know I am not saying ‘mental illness’, why not? I don’t like those words. They still smack of something the person has control over, as if they chose to think the way they do. But the words ‘brain disease’ is closer to the truth.
Would you say you have a ‘movement illness’ if you had a broken leg? No, you would say a specific part of you is hurt, the bone in your leg. Same with your brain. It is a specific part of your body with specific ways it works or doesn’t work. It can be fixed in many cases, just as a bone can be set and then heal. Even though ‘mental’ describes the process your brain engages in, it is not the physical elements of your brain.
When you see someone who is homeless it is fine to be wary, it is fine to keep safe. But don’t project your egotistical self-righteousness on them by saying ‘I wouldn’t be like that’ or ‘stupid scum, they are taking my hard-earned tax dollars’. Ask questions instead; Who is that person? How must their father or mother be in pain not being able to help them? What kind of compassion and help can I give, even if it isn’t hands-on?
You won’t contribute to the downfall of western (or eastern) civilization by caring for people, really.
“In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.” – Garry Trudeau, 1948-not dead yet, American cartoonist, author of Doonesbury comic strip. Did you know that Mike Doonesbury, the lead character in the comic strip is from Tulsa, Oklahoma?
Here is a REALLY important lesson to not only teach your children, but show your children.
‘Growing up’ means there is a stopping point. You reach 18, or 21, or marriage, or kids, and you are done. You are grown up. But is that really true? Is it wise to teach that? Is it accurate? Of course it isn’t accurate. To teach a child that they are going to reach some point in the future when they are done growing does them a great disservice. They not only will be frustrated when that ‘grown up’ time arrives and they aren’t grown up, or they will be under the illusion that they don’t need to grow anymore, they are where they are going to be and that is that.
Imagine having the exact same opinions, tastes, styles, interests, abilities, and outlook on life as you did when you were half the age you are now. Are they the same? If not, then you have grown. If they are the same, guess what, you are stuck back in some prior era and need to get back on the growth track!
Just as important as your own growth is the example you set for your children. They are witnessing your growth or lack thereof. You want them to learn how to be a real adult? Then they better see you continuing to grow as an adult. They need to see you continuing to be interested and alive in the world or what will they think? They will think…great, I have a dead adulthood to look forward to with nothing new or energizing happening to me.
Show them you are continuing to pursue your interests. You liked art as teen? Well, go to a museum, learn about it, get a sketchbook, draw. You always wanted to learn to play the guitar? Well, get one and learn it. Your kids will thank you for showing them the real way to grow!
I have a lot of friends, and yes they are mostly female, who worry a LOT about their weight and how old they look. I know guys worry about it too (I need to lose 15), but overall it does seem to be predominantly a woman’s issue. Tell me if you think I am wrong.
But seriously, even though the napkin is funny (at least I think it is), there is truth in it. BUT here is the experiment I would suggest you really attempt; don’t hang out with people who ARE old and fat, just hang out with people who THINK they are old and fat! See if you don’t start to realize that really, it isn’t as bad as all that.
Yes, you might be able to lose a few. Yes, you might be beyond the wrinkle free years, but really come on. Are you dying because of it? Are you unloved and unwanted and unable to have fun because of it? I am not talking about your emotions telling you that, I am talking about reality telling you that.
Did you see the Academy Awards this week? You think Gabi Sidibe doesn’t know she is fat? Of course she does. Did that stop her from bringing down the house with her fun personality and happiness? No, it didn’t. Did you see Sigourney Weaver, age 60? Do you think she doesn’t know she is 40 years older than some of the stars she was walking next to? Of course she does. Did that stop her from being elegant and classy and enjoying life? No, it didn’t.
So come on, you are who you are. Work towards the goals you have, that’s great. But don’t bemoan the fact that you are who you are. Love that you have the ability to think and feel and hear and see the world, that you can love and care and nourish whether you are fat, thin, young or old.
Today we have a new addition to The Napkin Dad Encyclopedia, Introducing Volcano!
Volcano is dangerous and beautiful. Sometimes it is a she, sometimes a he. Volcano represents what can’t be held in any longer. What is inside you that is going to find it’s way out, no matter what. it is down the road, or maybe in your bed. It erupts continually most of your life, or is dormant until many years has passed. Volcano is never truly extinct, it is always capable of rumbling.
When you see Volcano on a napkin you are perhaps seeing what might happen if a direction doesn’t change. You might be witnessing a truth coming out, or a wrong that about to be finally righted.
Volcano is often misunderstood. It wants to be helpful but it only know how to spew and erupt. It would like to find smaller fissures to enable itself to come out more gracefully. But in the end, all it knows is that it has to come out, one way or another.
The pursuit of happiness versus the art of avoiding pain. Interesting contrast in the focus of one’s life. It is apropos to mention the pursuit of happiness because the quote above is by the same author, Thomas Jefferson.
So, my dilemma about pain is this: I am not surprised some people willingly allow pain into their lives for a purpose or goal that can’t be achieved without it. I just ran 16 miles yesterday in my training for my first marathon. It was painful afterwards (worse than while running). I KNEW it would be painful. I accepted I would face that pain if I wanted to achieve my goal. That is common and it is understandable.
What is much harder to comprehend, in myself as well as in others, is the pain that you create for yourself when you don’t want it. Why do people sabotage their pursuit of happiness? Why do they see the rocky shoals, know they should avoid it, but decide to flirt with it? Why do we purposely lose sight of the rolling green hills and the warm sun in the distance and the beautiful ocean we are sailing on and decide to focus on the rocks? What draws us to that pain?
What do we gain from that purposeless pain? Seriously, think about it. We aren’t drawn to the rocks without reason. There is a reason, even if we are not aware of it at the time. Maybe childhood, maybe self-loathing, maybe stupidity, who knows. But avoiding that pain is not just having a ‘happiness’ goal ahead of you, it’s also understanding how that pain brings you some perverted sense of happiness, how it fulfills you, why you need it.
Learn that and you are going to be the better pilot when you come close to those rocky shores.
“The art of life is the art of avoiding pain; and he is the best pilot who steers clear of the rocks and shoals with which it is beset.” – Thomas Jefferson, 1743-1826, 3rd US president, author of the American Declaration of Independence
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It’s geographic Sunday!
In the last month The Napkin Dad Daily has been read in 34 different countries, including:
