Can you show yourself compassion, or do you think you don’t deserve it? Why not?
If you are that person, I want to ask, do you ever find yourself able to show self-compassion? If so, when does it occur? How does it come about in your mind? What do you do when you feel it towards yourself? …………………………………………………………………….
Drawing and questions by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote heard on NPR while still half asleep so I have no idea where it came from except that it was on a segment about Buddhism or something like that.
Here is the flippy haired girl from 2002. Let’s make up what she was thinking, ok? Vote for your favorite.
I hate church.
I love church.
I hope Mr. soandso isn’t there, he’s creepy.
I need a LOT of coffee today.
I don’t think my deodorant is working.
Why is that guy staring at me?
If my heel breaks like last time I am going to scream!
What is the point of it all?
I can’t remember anything before college.
I wish people could see the real me.
You can vote for one of those or you can make up a new thought and submit it. You can enter as many times as you like. For official rules see the flippy haired girl, wherever you find her. Just ask her ‘what are the official rules?’ and she will tell you. She might tell you to bug off, but she will tell you something.
A vintage napkin from 10 years ago. Drawn for my daughters and put in their lunches to take to High School.
Seems a bit harsh, but there is a very real regret I know I feel when I think about what I could have done vs what I actually did do over the years. I think there has been a victory or two, so I won’t be ashamed to die. But, just in case anyone is inclined to tell me I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, don’t worry, I am not. I am just saying I sometimes wish I had done more.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote By Horace Mann, 1796-1859, American Education Reformer. My daughters’ first school was named Horace Mann Elementary in San Jose, California.
Back in the mid-80s I taught drawing at Cabrillo College in Aptos, California (near Santa Cruz). We had large flat tables in the studio and one day a student, a woman in her 30s, stood up on one of the sitting benches to look straight down at her drawing on the table.
I was standing next to her, but on the floor, looking at her drawing with her. As she looked at her drawing she first raised her arms to stretch then put her hands on her hips. When she did that her blouse came up and showed her midriff and belly button. There, no more than 2 feet away from me, at face level, was a very bright and ornate piece of belly button jewelry.
I had actually never seen a belly button pierced (it was 25 years ago after all), much less a whole piece of jewelry in that location! I exclaimed pretty loudly, ‘WOW, that is amazing! Look at this everybody.’ and of course the students all looked our way. Some had seen that sort of thing, but most had not. It was an attention getter no doubt. She was very proud and happy to show it off.
My how times change. I wonder what would amaze people now, in 2011? What has amazed you recently?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Arthur Hoppe, 1925-2000, San Francisco Chronicle columnist
My wife and I had a long discussion today about what we might like to do in the future. We talked about how when we decide to do something new and different we can feel discomfort. Whether it is thinking about traveling somewhere we have never gone, becoming friends with new people, even something as simple as going to a new restaurant or cooking a new meal, it’s easy to feel a bit of discomfort and choose to not go in that new direction so we can avoid that discomforting feeling.
But, in the end, if that becomes your habit, you stay home, meet no one, do nothing and get filled with regret for a life not lived. My wife and I don’t want to do that and so we choose to suffer the discomfort because the pay off is so wonderful. New friends, new experiences and new opportunities to love and care about the people we cross paths with. That is worth it.
Quote author unknown. After I came home from our breakfast together this quote quickly passed in my twitter feed and I knew it was meant to be my quote for the day. I didn’t catch who posted it, but it’s a great quote. The original said ‘resentment’ instead of ‘regret’ but I liked ‘regret’ better so I changed it.
I know what I want, but it is much harder to visualize, categorize and verbalize what it is you need to do away with to get what you want. I think much of this struggle has to do with taking things for granted.
For example, the young woman who wants to pursue her career may not immediately realize that it will also mean leaving the home she is safe in. You would think she would, but she may not even know it until she has moved away to that distant city. It’s then that she realizes she didn’t just remove the annoying, stifling things of home, but also the great things. She might be fine with it, she might decided it was too much to give up and go back to be close to home.
And in truth that is how it should be. You can’t know who you are and what you want, I mean REALLY want, until you do have to live with and feel the absence of what you had to give up. It’s how we grow and find out who we really are and what we really want in life.
Quote by Sidney Howard, 1891-1939, American playwright and screenwriter.
By the way, do you know why playwright has ‘wright’ in it, instead of ‘write’ or ‘right’? It’s because when something is wrought, like wrought iron, it is made by a ‘wright’. Thus, the person who writes a play, is a playwright.
Today is officially the first Topical Tuesday! I will be focusing on current events and other topical moments on Tuesdays for a while.
The star in your life should have this coffee cup!
Today they announced the nominations for the Academy Awards. ABC was doing an interview with one of the nominees, Melissa Leo, and she mentioned the real life family that the movie she is in (The Fighter) is based on.
It got me thinking how in some ways that family is being nominated for their life. That led me to think, hey, I could be a nominee for the best performance by me in a leading role. I could also be a nominee for the Razzie for worst performance by me. Which one would my family, friends & napkin kin be more likely to nominate me for?
How about you? Are you in the running for ‘Best Me’ or are you going to get a Razzie for your performance? I am rooting for you to be in the Best Me category!
Drawing, quote and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Give this coffee cup to someone who is growing young.
Today is my birthday. Getting old takes so long that I have gotten younger waiting around for it to happen. What’s my secret? Creativity and courage. Those two things, when paid attention to and practiced, bring joy. And joy makes one young.
Drawing and commentary by the birthday boy.
Quote by Pablo Picasso, 1881-1973, Spanish born artist. (Baptized name – Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso)
In 2001 I took an air & road trip to pick up a car for my daughter, Connie, who was about to turn 16. My father had a car he couldn’t use because my sister, whom he lived with, wouldn’t allow him to take her kids around in the car, too unsafe since it was a convertible.
The sketchbook was actually just a little teeny weeny journal, about 2 1/2 x 4 inches big. It only has the drawings and story from the trip, nothing else.
These are some of the drawings and writings from that little teeny weeny journal.
You fly, or rather I fly, to places and meet nobody. I could meet someone but didn’t recently. My unwife met people, young good looking men. She has their e-mail addresses and one was at Thanksgiving instead of me last year. I met a woman coming back from Boise once. I got her email address, but only wrote her once.
Now the sun is skimming the tops of cottage cheese clouds, deep cool blue and warm pale yellow on top. I love the sky. That’s why I like Oklahoma.
A dusky purple blue with a spread of sun edge is what I see now. Burning orange red as it goes behind a thin stretch of cloud. I probably shouldn’t look at it. The woman next to me has a little gift back on the seat between us. Tan & green plaid with a lace tie around the handles.
I was wrong about not meeting people on airplanes. I just met two. One, a business man, Bob, with five daughters he raised, the other a porn star, Samantha. She autographed a picture for me that I did not ask for but accepted when given. She only does quality work she says. She showed me some other pictures. She changes hair color a lot.
I drew her while she listened to Bob talk about his webcasting teleconferencing technology. She wants me to email her the drawing. I said okay. The guy in the seat behind her was really trying to see her through the crack in the seat.
My nephews went off to school with the neighbor who complained to my sister when she introduced me to her because she had no makeup on. We are going to see her again tonight at the baseball game so I told her I would see how she cleaned up then.
She wasn’t wearing a wedding ring but I was told she is married. Oh well, married people don’t look for rings like us single folk do.
Obviously we know how this quote relates to religion, in particular Christianity. But it also relates to anyone who bullies another into silence in an argument. Being able to win an argument, something many people think is of paramount virtue, is not really winning if all you actually do is cause the other person to be silent.
When I was married to my first wife I didn’t realize how intimidating and overpowering my way of communicating was. I was from a loud, expressive and quick witted family, and didn’t have any experience to tell me there was anything negative about that. But my wife didn’t come from that same background. Her family’s way was soft, non-confrontational, non-argumentative. I liked that about her and I was under the impression that our marriage was successful because we didn’t argue like my parents had.
But I was mistaken. The reason we didn’t argue was because my wife was intimidated. I wasn’t a belligerent, abusive man. But I could be loud and defensive and I could argue until the cows came home. Combine that with her quiet style and other elements of her personality and upbringing and what actually happened was she simply became silent. Not converted, just silent. I wasn’t always like that, I have many cards still stashed away from her telling me how much she appreciated my listening and caring. But the truth is it doesn’t take much to intimidate, less than we are even aware of at times.
20 years after we got married we got divorced, in large part due to her having built up many, many years of silent resentment and regret. I know I have many of those same traits, and I am not apologizing for who I am but I have worked to be more discerning of when to be those things and when not to.
The goal for any of us who are like that is to have more control and more wisdom in knowing when we are trying to ‘convert’ rather than ‘converse’.
I work from home and I like quiet there because I like to think. After all, it’s pretty much what being the Napkin Dad is all about. When my wife stays home from work, or my daughter is home from school, they often will have a TV show on during the day that they like. I have to focus that out to focus in on other things. That can be hard to do. I don’t mind it because it isn’t frequent and I think it’s perfectly fine for them to enjoy their down time watching ‘The Price is Right’. but if they aren’t home I don’t have the TV on, or music for that matter (most of the time). I have a hard enough time focusing without those distractions.
How can you become self-aware if you are always surrounded by others’ clamor. You need to face your own clamor of silence, your own thoughts, feelings, meanings, desires, failures, and confusions. You can’t do that if you don’t allow yourself quiet. Not emptiness, since you are surely not empty when you are quiet, you are just with yourself and have to face yourself.
It’s not that you have to be with yourself all the time, always evaluating, always wondering. Often I think there is a sowing and harvesting aspect to self-awareness. You read, reflect, ponder, evaluate. All those are sowing seeds of self-awareness. Then you go out and act, be. That is the harvesting. You don’t need to think about who you are during that time, you just are.
Allow yourself time to be alone with yourself. It might be scary but it’s how you will grow.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Rabindranath Tagore, 1861-1941, Bangladeshi poet and writer
The intelligent people are the quiet ones. The strong, silent type is the epitome of the desired male. One should listen twice as much as they talk. All very nice sentiments, but the truth is in a relationship talking (and listening) is crucial. If you don’t speak, if you don’t say what is going on, it becomes the rule. And you could very easily have a sorry end to the relationship as a result.
Sometimes one doesn’t talk because they feel the reaction will be negative, defensive, or angry. Those are actually understandable reasons to not want to communicate feelings, emotions and ideas. No one likes to be dismissed, lectured or put down when they share vulnerable things.
It often takes courage to talk in a relationship, but the alternative is a deep seated frustration. It is ultimately unhealthy for oneself and the relationship. Talk, even if it is scary.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784, English writer
Being one who comes from a long line of talkers, I should talk, right? Well, I may not be the silent type but I am the good disposition type and I am quieter than I used to be. So, I am making progress.
What about you, are you adept at either of these? Tell us how, give us pointers!
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Muhammad, 570-632 CE, Founder of the religion of Islam
I love this quote so much I have drawn it twice! I drew it back in 2009 in honor of Martin Luther King Day and have redrawn it again today.
I love the simple truth of it. No matter if you are black, white, mixed, brown, red, or polka dot. No matter if you got here by ship, boat, skiff, skow, raft, ocean liner, airplane, river, car, bike or feet. No matter if you are rich, poor, speak english, spanish, chinese, french, farsi, hindi, or any other language. No matter whether you are old, young, male, female, straight, gay, tall, short, fat, thin, able or challenged.
No matter what, you are now in the boat called America. Help row it, ok?
Two women with headscarves at Barnes and Noble, 2000
Religion, Other and Otherwise
In 2000 I had an argument via letter with Pastor Tom Harrison of Asbury United Methodist Church, in Tulsa, OK. I had been thinking and reading about other religions, and realized that one of the big shortcomings of the church was that they were trying to talk to (and yes, convert) people they didn’t understand or know.
The church was then promoting something they called ‘friendship evangelism’ which meant getting to know the person, befriending them, before attempting to explain what you believe and how or why they might want to consider it themselves. We talked about this in our small group and I put forth the question, what if your neighbor you are trying to befriend is a Buddhist, or a Muslim? Do you get to know what they believe, and understand it, find it’s value, it’s reasons as well as find out what sort of sports their kids like and what sort of novels they read?
There was some discussion about that, some saying yes, some saying no. It was obvious to me that it was important to treat any friend’s religion with respect, not dismissing it by thinking it’s so unimportant that you don’t have to know the basics of it.
Beyond that we were now living in a very interconnected world. Often, in business, some of the congregation were having to travel all over the world, or have to negotiate and do business from home with people of very different cultures and beliefs.
I suggested to my small group leadership that I would like to do a series on other religions. They said maybe I could do a one day presentation, that would probably suffice. I declined the offer since I knew I couldn’t do any of the religions justice in the 10 minutes or so I could dedicate to them in a 1 hour stretch.
I sent a letter to Pastor Harrison with the idea that maybe he could do a series on other religions from the pulpit. Not in detail, but just in general overview, to help people see that the leader of their church was open and willing to understand other groups, religions, cultures, etc. I thought it was needed because I had heard a lot of very ignorant and judgmental opinions put forth in the discussions I had had. I thought he needed to take the lead and guide others to be educated and open, not ignorant and reactionary.
He responded angrily saying it was not his place to talk about other religions, that enough of our culture was talking about them, that he was there to talk about our own religion. That for him to bring up other religions in that way would be tantamount to giving them all equal weight. He told me he worried about my soul and where I might go if I continued to think the way I was thinking.
To say I was stunned was an understatement. While I can certainly understand a Pastor politely declining a sermon series idea for all sort of reasons, I did expect him to be considerate and thoughtful about the idea. Instead he was angry, defensive and abused his power by putting out a spiritual threat.
Due to this and a few other reasons, I decided to leave Asbury and go to another church. Not many months later September 11th happened. The idea of understanding what others believe and why all of a sudden didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
Well, Aristotle IS one of the fathers of rhetoric so who better to ask a rhetorical question, right?
It’s been a tough emotional week for me. Not anything personal in my own life but due to the events in Tucson. I love my country. I have loved it since I was a little kid and learned about George Washington. He was, and still is, in my opinion, the greatest public hero of any age.
I was 8 when JFK was killed. My parents loved him and worked for him. My father even ran for the Senate in 1962, inspired by him.
I was 13 when MLK and RFK were killed. I will never forget walking into a drug store in Darien, Connecticut after MLK was murdered and hearing a man say ‘that N***** deserved it’. I was 13 and as angry as I had ever been at that moment. I didn’t speak up and was ashamed afterwards. Since then I almost always speak up if someone says something grossly offensive.
I was 26 when Reagan was shot. I was not a fan of President Reagan but it had nothing to do with that. I respect my presidents. I start each term with each president just as filled with hope as if I were a naive young man.
I am now 55, will be 56 in a little over a week. It’s weird, it’s almost as if this event in Tucson hurts more than the others. I know Giffords is ‘just’ a congressional representative, not a president or candidate, but it’s almost because of that that it hurts more. She ‘represents’ and it’s as if someone was trying to kill that, not just a person. Add on to that that people who had every reason to believe they were doing something uniquely and gloriously American that day suffered death and injury for no other reason than they wanted to connect to their representative.
I love rhetoric and the power of words. I love how they can inspire us. I hate how they can turn us on each other. I hate how they can be used by selfish people for selfish ends. I hate how they can mask lies and evil deeds. But I think the power of good in words can overcome that power of evil. And I won’t ever give up believing that, ever.
The napkin above is light, it’s funny, it’s absurd. It’s rhetorical. I had to lighten my emotional load a bit by drawing it. Don’t forget though, that it is not a rhetorical question to ask if we can’t be civil with each other.
Christina Taylor Green, age 9, was murdered while going to see her Congressional Representative, Gabrielle Giffords. She was just elected to her school’s student council and so excited about being part of a new world of voting and thinking and decision making. She saw it as pure and fun and the essence of being a helpful, good person in the world.
In his speech at the memorial the President said many things. But the passage that stuck with me, that made me tear up, was the quote I have on the napkin. I agree with it, don’t you?
Let’s do what we can to make our efforts in democracy something our children can be proud of.
Americans are taught, from an early age, the words of those who founded the country. The rhetoric still guides us. Not just the Constitution and the Declaration, but in the wide swath of words our leaders, elected or not, have spoken. We love those words. People on the right, like Rep. John Boehner, people on the left, like Rep. Nancy Pelosi, and people in the middle, like Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, love them. They take them to heart even as they have slightly different opinions of what those words mean in the here and now. But, as naive as some say it is, I believe American politicians, with rare exceptions, do their best to honor those good words from our history.
I don’t start with that assumption regarding those who are not accountable. I am talking about specific people, on both the left and right; Beck, Limbaugh, Maddow, Olbermann, Maher, Hannity, Savage, O’Reilly, Palin and others. They don’t have to be elected, sworn in, questioned by constituents. All they have to do is talk. They are responsible to themselves, their companies and the company’s shareholders. They are not responsible to the citizens. If what they want is money, fame & adulation there is nothing wrong with them wanting those things. They are not responsible to want anything else even though we might hope they have deeper desires.
What is wrong is when you think they have your best interests at heart. They don’t. They have THEIR best interests at heart. They are NOT your representatives, in life or in Congress. Listen but understand that YOU are responsible for not just your words but how you evaluate and act on other people’s words as well.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily Quote by Plato, 427-348 BCE, Greek philosopher
We give ourselves a gentler, more thoughtful talk when arguing within our brain. We can do that with others, even in political debates. If we start with this in mind then we can stick with a conversation, an argument, long enough to move out of the antagonism and towards a thoughtful approach.
What should be asked of our public communicators, in politics and in the media, is to choose words (and images), not only for their shock and attention-getting value, but for their precision and their honesty. Of course that means those communicators have to be honest and precise in their thinking and self-evaluation, not something they often want to do if doing so threatens their position, power or wealth.
That is why you don’t see talking heads pulling back from their excesses, on both sides. They are playing a game, a game of ratings.advertisers, money and influence. They know they are helping to create a toxic dialog, but they are scared of losing what they have, and in some cases they are greedy for more, so they can’t or won’t pull back, even though they know their words are hurtful and denigrating to all of society, not just their political opponents.
I wish it were otherwise, and it can be, if you decide that listening to it is being complicit in spreading that toxicity and decide to not listen.
I don’t care if the guy who shot everyone in Arizona was influenced by right wing rhetoric or not. I knew long before that incident that words are powerful and hateful, disrespectful and violent words used by manipulative people, right or left, for their own selfish agenda of money, fame or power, without regard for the consequences, are dangerous words spoken by dangerous people.
I will not agree with all the media voices. I will not agree with all politicians. But I will trust they are doing what they think is right IF I hear respect and love in their words and in their voice. BUT I will NOT trust nor follow the people who say words that inflame hate, disrespect and vengeance no matter how closely I may be aligned with their political or social position.
I heartily suggest you consider doing the same and boycotting those who have decided to use those rhetorical tools to get what the want. Don’t give it to them. If they want your attention and your respect, make them work for it by using their voices with respect and civility.
When I started having trouble in my marriage, a Pastor gave me a bible. I drew in it when I went to church. I would often look at people and wonder what they were thinking. Here are three drawings that includes what I imagined they might have been pondering.
You can get all 5 stupidity napkins on Coffee Cups and you should!
When you think about it, well-mannered stupid people do tend to make it to the top and rule the world. But I plan a coup soon of well-mannered smart people and will need your help! Are you with me?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Voltaire. If you don’t know who he is, you aren’t paying attention!
Buy this as a Coffee Cup for your friend trapped in a stupid company!
If it’s not via an obvious organization, look to see if the individual doing that incredibly stupid act hasn’t been pulled this way and that by a committee of well-meaning fools.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Jon Bentley, 1953 – not dead yet, Computer science researcher
There have been birds falling out of the sky this week. First in Arkansas, USA, then in Mississippi, USA, now I hear it’s happened in Finland.
Of course we can draw the conclusion that the end of the world is upon us. Then again, it’s most likely to be fireworks. Or maybe pollution. It could be a virus. It could be God. It could be aliens.
So, this quote gets to the heart of a certain type of stupidity. It’s not the process of finding answers that makes people stupid. It’s the DESIRE for conclusions without being willing to do the intelligent work to find a logical, reasonable and likely answer. As a result we take the easiest road. We take the road of superstition, whether religious or secular. We take the road that the bandwagon is on. We take the obvious road. AND THAT IS STUPID AND DANGEROUS.
The other aspect of stupidity that is shown in this quote is so many people’s inability to just allow that we may not know the answer. It doesn’t mean we should work towards finding answers and solutions, but if one’s inability to live with unknowing causes them to reach stupid conclusions then they are being, well, stupid.
One of my pet peeves is the deliberate bragging about one’s own flaws or shortcomings. You know, the ‘I am terrible at math’ type comments. They can imprison you in an identity you don’t want or need.
As a drawing instructor I often had new students sheepishly come into the first day of class with head bowed and voice low. The student would say ‘I am not sure you can help me, I can’t even draw a good stick figure’.
My response was: ‘OF COURSE YOU SUCK AT DRAWING, YOU HAVEN’T LEARNED HOW YET!’ You wouldn’t go into a piano lesson with that attitude, would you? You don’t assume you should know how to play a piano. It’s a big honkin’ mess of wires, wood and metal and well, DUH, why would you think you should know how to master that thing without some training. How is drawing any different? You have an instrument you have to master in drawing as well.’
At that point I would stop and raise my closed fist. I would slowly poke my finger into the bottom of the fist and out of the top would come a very small pencil for all to see.
‘THAT is your instrument to master if you are learning to draw.’ I would say to them. Then I would proceed to teach them about that pencil.
What are you consciously or unconsciously cultivating to keep yourself ignorant? No offense, but whatever it is, it’s stupid.
