That Moment
It’s bound to happen if you live long enough in the same town. That moment when someone who contributed negatively to a difficult moment in your past appears before you. That happened to me a few months ago. I was in the middle of speaking when it happened. It threw me off my game for a few seconds, then I waved and kept on with my speech. While I was finishing the speech I was also deciding how I was going to respond to seeing this person. I made my choice quickly and with confidence. I knew exactly what I was going to do.
The Next Moment
When I was done, this person came over to ask a question. We greeted and I did what I had chosen to do (and indeed had already started to do in my mind and heart). I loved the person. That is all I did.
Love Lets In
They asked some questions about the topic, expressed some concerns about their ability to participate in our group activities and I responded with encouragement and confidence that they could. I asked questions about their experience in this area and they responded with a very profound and moving story of their life, with events, issues and challenges that would fell many a strong person. But this person had battled back over many years and was now ready to take on this next challenge.
Remembering The Future
I briefly wondered what they were thinking about as they talked to me. If they were remembering. But I didn’t linger on that. I lingered instead on the future. I saw this person’s success. I saw this person’s victory over their challenges. I saw this person’s need for my help and I saw me being happy helping. I was happy to have love in my heart.
When you have hate in your past, remember the future instead.
__________________ Drawing by Marty Coleman Quote by Robert Pinsky, 1940 – Not Dead Yet, American Poet __________________ By the way, if you share my blog posts somewhere, I always love finding out where they went, if you have the time to tell me. Thanks.Worth Sharing:
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There is such strength and grace in what you did…what we all should do, really. There are a few people in my life hell-bent on hanging on to past pain, some real (and some that have evolved in their imagination) and all I can wish is that some day they can find peace in letting go.
Hi Jenn, the great thing about making the choice, if you can, to love instead of rage, is how completely great you feel after.
Here is the key for me, in this or in any character based decision about how to respond; Start now and make it a habit. When the moment arrives that screams ‘IT’S HERE, RIGHT NOW!’ then do your damnedest to make the choice to love, to forgive, to understand that person. Start with forgiving the guy who cuts you off in traffic. Make the choice right then to do it. Then do it again when someone incompetent at work makes your job harder. See how and why they are incompetent. Feel how it must feel to be them, their confusion, their frustration. It doesn’t mean you aren’t also a bit angry, but you will be guiding your mind towards understanding over anger. Keep doing it, at every single moment you possibly can, like your life depended on it, and pretty soon it will be your habit to reach towards your understanding mind, not your angry one. Then when the BIG moment arrives, the moment you would otherwise dread, you have some strength of habit to make the best choice you can.
I am not there yet, but I do my best to practice it and I think I have made some progress over the decades.
You are stronger than me. I usually get flustered and embarrassed and then replay the scene again and again in my head afterwards: the way I should have handled it. I am just glad I don’t live in the same town as my ex. 🙂
Hi Karen, thanks for responding. I understand about being flustered. I was flustered in my speech and had to regather myself.
Regarding your ex. I have an ex as well. She divorced me and it hurt. A Lot. But after many months of me being pretty stand-offish to her, when she would come get the kids, or drop them off, for example, I made a very deliberate choice. I knew I was not going to be at peace, would not have kindness and love for her again, unless I ACTED kind and loving. I couldn’t just think about it, I had to actually grab the moment when she was in front of me and be kind and loving to her. So I did. When she came to drop off the kids I asked her how her day went. I asked her if she wanted something to drink or I would have a cold glass of water ready for her. I saw her struggles with less money, with a smaller house, living outside the school district, dating, being alone. I had moments when I felt like saying ‘well, you asked for it.’ But those moments were drowned out because I was deliberate about loving her, not hating her.
Now, 13 years after our divorce I am about to go meet my first grandbaby from our oldest daughter. Who will be at the house I will stay at for 5 days? My ex will be. And I fully expect to love her as fully as I possibly can. Who knows what it would have been like in other circumstances, that I don’t know. But I am not in other circumstances, I am only in these exact circumstances. And in these I can love her.