Yesterday, while I was drawing this, we were having a discussion on Periscope when someone unknown to me, or the #NapkinKin (our tribe) who were watching the scope, came in. He proceeded to say he was depressed and suicidal. I had a feeling he was a troll but I took it seriously anyway, doing my best to give him reasons to live. Others in the scope immediately helped out, giving suicide hotline numbers, explaining that they too suffered from depression and anxiety, and in general trying to help. It was amazing to be a part of it. It really made me love my #NapkinKin tribe more than ever before. He was in only a short time before he said an ominous “Goodbye…”
Mind and Body
I have no idea who he was or what he was about. I hope if he was serious we helped and if he wasn’t he will mature and not do such stupid things. But it doesn’t really matter for the sake of this discussion. The reason I mention it is because we then realized we could substitute ‘mind’ or ‘brain’ in place of ‘body’ in the quote and it would be the same.
Loving Doesn’t Equal OK
Loving our bodies, or our minds, is not the same as saying everything about our bodies or minds are perfect and no change is needed, just as with a misbehaving child. You aren’t going to tell the child that because you love them even when they misbehave that that means their behavior is ok. It’s not ok and you will likely find a punishment for them as a result. That is not the same as not loving them. As a matter of fact, it actually is evidence that you do love them (as long as the punishment is not abusive and hateful).
The same is true with your bodies and minds. If you have an issue with weight that precludes you from living a healthy life, then you are loving your body when you take action to reduce the weight. If it isn’t about weight but about bad skin, or no muscle tone, or bad acne, or a disease or illness, or something else, you are loving your body when you take action to remedy the situation as best you can. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you don’t know some areas need to change.
Evaluation vs Judgment
And so it is with our minds or our behaviors. I can love my mind while still realizing my predilection towards procrastination and avoidance needs work. I can still love my mind while still realizing my hot temper or anxiety or depression or ADHD or any number of things needs to be addressed.
The key in all of it is honestly evaluating who you are WITHOUT judging and condemning who you are. Evaluation is neutral. It says ‘this is an issue and I will address it’. Judgment is morally condemning. It says, ‘I am stupid for letting myself get fat.’ or ‘I am worthless because I can’t focus on something long enough to accomplish it.’ or ‘I hate myself because I can’t stop drinking.’
How Different Would It Be?
How different would you see yourself if you loved yourself no matter what? How different would your progress in whatever area you need or want progress in be if you allowed yourself an honest evaluation of yourself instead of condemning judgment?
You might think this quote is backwards. That the mind is what listens to your body, not the other way around, and you would be right. But the larger truth is that it is not a one way conversation. It’s not a monolog, it’s a dialog. Your body listens to what you say and think. Think negatively and your body will respond to that over time. Be hypochondriacal and your body will find a way to show you more and more things ‘wrong’ with you.
Positive Realism
One the other hand, speak and think positively about your body where it is at right now and you are helping your body. Positive doesn’t mean delusional. It does no good to say to your body “You are in GREAT shape body, good job!” if your body is in terrible shape, right? It’s about stating the truth to your body. “Body, we are here now, in this shape, at this age, in this condition.” The key is to not follow that statement with this one, “And body, because you are in this shape, I hate you, blame you and am giving up on you.” Just say the first sentence and do away with the judgment of the second sentence. Once you say the first sentence, but avoid the second, to your body, then you can move forward and transform or maintain your body as you wish. No judgment mean no negativity, just positive realism. And that starts with speaking truth to yourself, both your mind and your body.
What do you think? Does your body listen to your mind?
Have you ever seen two people whose faces are so different from each other that when their photographs are shown side by side they both look really strange, maybe even ugly? Their head shape, the placement and proportions of their facial features, their hair, their coloring, their skin are so different that it’s a jarring visual juxtaposition when it occurs.
If we happen to be one of those two people we can easily start to compare ourselves. Her forehead is smoother and rounder than mine. My eyes are so much closer together than hers. Her neck is smoother. My lips are thinner. And the list goes on.
What I think is surprising is it’s usually both people that feel that, not just one. The thin blonde looks with envy at the curvy brunette while the curvy brunette wishes she was thin like the blonde. The freckled one looks wishes she had the golden tan of the other while the golden girl wishes she had the fair skin of the freckled one.
Here are two videos that show off how different we all look from one another and how, when we compare beauty to beauty we end up seeing most everyone as ugly at some point. Why is that? First is one with famous celebrities
The second is of non-famous women
Getting Past
So, how do you get past this dilemma? By seeing yourself clearly. Not for who you are not, but for who you are, who you are made up of and how who you are fits together so well. And if there is something you want to change, resist judging yourself negatively. Instead evaluate and make a plan. Body too big? Make a plan. Hair too drab? Make a plan. Character too immature? Make a plan.
You are under your own control. You see your beauty when you see yourself clearly. And that is when you will see everyone else as more and more beautiful as well.
How much does your soul weigh? Your personality? How about your character? Does your Passion weigh anything? What about your intelligence, how heavy is that? Have you ever had your sense of humor weighed at the Doctor’s office? Is there a spot on the medical chart for the weight of your love, commitment, insight, compassion, mercy, tenderness, diligence, patience, opinions, wisdom, spirituality?
The Friend
I have a long time friend in another country who has a lot of very long distance online relationships. By ‘very’ I mean, other country, other language, thousands of miles away type distance. She has been unsuccessful in turning any of these into permanent, in person relationships. But she keeps trying.
The Lie
Recently she had a one year online relationship via text, Facebook, Skype and email, with a man. She planned to visit him in his home country. But there was a problem. She knew he liked thin, ‘sporty’ (her word) type women. She used to be thin and sporty, but now she had gained some weight and did not fit into that category. She was afraid if he knew, he would reject her. She was hoping that if she could meet him he would overcome his dislike for her extra weight because of his admiration and attraction to all the rest of her. So she sent him photos of herself back when she fit that look. When he wanted to see her now she sent photos of her face and some of her more attractive parts (not nude) but none of all of her.
When they Skyped she didn’t reveal her body shape, just her face. She tried to hide herself. He was suspicious and told her she didn’t seem to look the same as she used to. She told him that she still looked ‘good’, he would see. But she was nervous he wouldn’t approve. She went to the gym, lost some weight, not much. Not enough in her mind.
The Truth
After a year of long distance communication; detailed, intimate, truthful, deep communication where they told each other all about themselves, their dreams, their hopes, their desires, they finally met in person when she went on vacation to his home country. And sure enough, according to her telling of the story, within ten minutes he had lost interest. She said he was a gentleman, wasn’t rude, but that she could tell he had made up his mind about her. They spent some time together. She remembers being incredibly self-conscious in the coffee house when they first met. She didn’t want to take off her coat because he would see her big (her word) arms, legs, hands. She knew her breasts look great, but she knew that wasn’t enough by any means. The rest of her did not look like he was lead to believe.
She came back to her home country devastated. He was kind, told her they would still be friends, but that he wasn’t interested romantically. She wants now to know why. Is it due to her extra weight or is it just no chemistry? I told her in my opinion, based on what she said his reactions and words have been over the year when discussing weight, that it probably was weight.
Goal
She said her goal now is to get back in shape, lose the weight, go back to his country and see what he thinks. I have told her instead that the best idea is to get in shape for herself, for her confidence. She agreed.
The life of long distance relationship building is a hard life to navigate through. People naturally want to hide their defects and show off their best parts. She showed her face but because she was embarrassed by her body she lied to him. She understands now that was wrong and unfair. I am hopeful she has learned that facing the truth and allowing others to see the truth, whatever it is, is best. I want her to find peace and confidence in herself before meeting him again. Her victory will come when she realizes she doesn’t need approval from him or anyone else.
I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who couldn’t do a push up to save their lives. I have also known many seemingly overweight, average looking people who can run marathons, do 20 burpees in a row, work in their garden all day long, take care of their families morning to night, and kayak in open water for hours.
Strength of Emotion
I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who have an even thinner emotional shell. The slightest thing, inconsequential and trivial, will set them off into emotional tirades. I have also known many seemingly overweight, average looking people who can express themselves effectively and honestly in a wide range of emotions appropriate to the events and circumstances of their day.
Strength of Mind
I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who wouldn’t know their mind if it rang their doorbell and asked to be let in. I have also known many seemingly overweight, average looking people who are smart, wise, insightful, creative, astute, practical problem solvers, philosophers, leaders, entertainers, opinion makers.
Strength of Individuality
And finally, I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who are all those positive things as well. All sizes can be those things.
Beautiful does not equal good, thin does not equal fit, educated does not equal wise.
Note that it does not say “Lions do not take into consideration the opinions of sheep.” It says they won’t fret unnecessarily over them. They won’t take the out of context and will not blow them up to be more important than they are.
If you listen to the blithering buffoons on talk radio, you know their job is to get people riled up and wanting to come back for more. They want ratings so they do their best to push people into extreme positions en masse. They want followers, in other words. They want sheep.
A lion (metaphoric, not actual) doesn’t need to bend to every wind of opinion or every idea espoused by someone, especially someone who is obviously under the uneducated influence of one extremity or another. A lion sets his or her own course based on intellect, education, exposure, open-mindedness and experience, all the while listening and considering other’s opinions, just not overreacting to them.
