by Marty Coleman | Jun 28, 2011 | Magdalena Samozwaniec |
It’s day 2 of marriage week!
Imagine if you did this before you got married?
Actually, you probably think you did, right? But many of the ‘faults’ you now see were likely not seen as faults when you were dating. That cute, endearing ditziness she had? It’s now a very annoying air-headedness that looks more like a fault than a merit. That sweet, self-deprecating Eeyore quality he had? It’s now an over-the-top pessimism and negativity and looks a lot more like a fault than a merit.
Even if you could evaluate your potential mate’s faults (as if he or she is showing them off to you while dating), you still would have a hard time making a proper decision. The reason is so many ‘faults’ haven’t shown up when you are courting. For example, ways of interacting with kids, in-laws, bosses, etc. Reactions to growing older, gaining and losing money, jobs, homes, status and health. Most of those circumstances aren’t experienced when you are young and in love.
So, given that you can’t really know much in advance, what do you do about these faults you see in your spouse? Is it possible to embrace them, ignore them, talk about them, resolve them? Can you, and should you, perceive these traits differently than you do? Do they have value you are not seeing? Do you have humor, love, compassion, understanding you can demostrate in reaction to them instead of annoyance or anger?
Who knows, a different understanding and response to their faults might help get rid of some of your own!
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Magdalena Samozwaniec, 1894-1972, Polish writer and satirist
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 27, 2011 | Minnie Pearl |
It’s day one of Marriage Week! My daughter got married this month and it caused me to think about marriage quite a bit so I figured I would delve into it here for a while.
Have you ever seen those Cialis commercials, the ones that show a couple in two separate bathtubs outdoors, overlooking a river or valley? The spot is advertising a male arousal aid. Whenever I see it I always think how odd it is, not just that there are two tubs outdoors on on a hilltop, but that there are two bathtubs at all. Wouldn’t they use ONE indoor bathtub to show the two of them getting intimate?
They probably don’t show just one because they know the truth. Truth be told, for long married couples, a tub of steaming hot water is more likely to be a sleep aid than an arousal aid. They will just as likely end up wanting to take a nap together as have sex together.
It doesn’t necessarily say anything bad about a marriage for that to be true. It may not be as hot as it once was, but if the long married couple has worked at it, what the relationship lacks in constant heat and lust it more than makes up for in warm companionship and love.
Marriage Statistic of the Day – In Great Britain between 1619 and 1660 the median age at marriage for brides was 23 years, 7 months. For grooms the age was 28. Only one in one thousand married at thirteen or under.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Minnie Pearl, 1912-1996, American Comedienne
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 26, 2011 | Marty Coleman, Sunday in Sunrise - A short story |
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapters Ten & Eleven
Epilogue
Chapter 10
Melissa had a very hard night. She did fall asleep eventually, but not until after many hours of crying and talking with Maria. It was finally quiet upstairs around 11. Mary and I cleaned up the kitchen then sat and talked about the situation.
Daria came home from her camping weekend around 11:30. She scavenged in the fridge while I explained what happened. She had taken 4 plastic containers, opened each one and taken one bite out of each thing before she said anything. “Is she going to stay with us?”
“I don’t know, but I am thinking we should at least offer to let her say until some permanent arrangements can be made” I said.
Daria put the food away and said, “That’s cool, as long as she isn’t really weird and doesn’t steal my stuff like Maria does.”
I promised her she was quite normal and that we would have another talk with Maria about her stuff being off limits.
Daria laughed, “Fat chance that will help. But it’s cool; I don’t mind another person around. It might keep Maria from bugging me so much.”
In spite of the sarcasm I could tell she was taking it in stride and wouldn’t freak out about it, at least not in the short term.
Daria was still hanging out with us around midnight when Melissa came quietly downstairs and asked if she could have some water. I introduced her to Daria. She looked at her and said, “Hi. You’re really pretty. I like your hair.”
Daria smiled and said, ‘I haven’t washed it all weekend but thanks.”
I got Melissa a cup of water and asked her how she was feeling.
She started to talk but only a bit of crying came out. We consoled her and told her things would work out. She stopped crying and looked at me. “People tell me that a bunch but bad things keep happening. Angus told me that.”
Mary spoke softly, “Well, Melissa. Bad things do happen, for sure. They happen and good things happen too. You are here safe tonight with friends and we will do the best we can to make sure something good happens tomorrow, ok?”
Melissa sniffled, “Ok, I guess that’s what we will hope for.” She drank her last sip of water and went back upstairs.
Daria went to bed and Mary went home shortly thereafter. I stayed up doing some painting. I painted a little watercolor sunrise just to occupy my hands while my mind raced. I had negotiated the terrain of my daughters’ adolescence in pretty good shape. It hadn’t been perfect, but I had enjoyed the first two as teenagers so far and expect I would enjoy it with Maria as well.
I wasn’t worried about if I could handle another kid in the house, I was worried about whether Maria and Daria could. Initially Maria would love having Melissa around, I knew that. But it was a big shift to bring in a new child. The family equilibrium was stable, but it was floating on a relatively calm ocean of hormones, not truly on solid ground.It was sunrise when I finally got a bit of sleep.
Chapter 11
I called Velma’s sister, Violet, as soon as I thought it reasonable, around 10 am. She said Velma had a dizzy spell when she got home and had been in bed ever since. She said that they were going to have to travel to Mississippi for the funeral since that is where Angus had been raised and where all his folk were buried. There was a good chance Velma would move back there in the not too distant future.
She asked, “Are you interested in taking her in?” I responded, “She can stay here for a few days. What about her brother in Alabama, can he take her in?”
Violet explained, “No, he is in the military and will be for another 2 years. He loves her but he isn’t in any position to take care of her. Her parents are both dead so she has no where to go but into foster care, at least until she gets adopted, which isn’t all that likely given she is already 10 years old.” It all sounded so harsh. “She can come back to say goodbye to Velma and get her stuff, but she won’t be able to live here anymore.” I made arrangements to drop by Velma’s with Melissa later in the day.
Mary, Melissa, Maria and I all went over. Velma was sitting at the kitchen counter when we got there. Melissa went over to Velma and hugged her. Velma started to cry. Melissa said, “I’m real sorry about Angus. I liked him a lot.” Velma pushed her back a bit and apologized, “I am really sorry too, Melissa. I am also really sorry that I won’t be able to take care of you anymore. I like you bunches. You are a great young girl, one of the best kids we have ever had live with us. But I have to deal with a lot of stuff now that Angus is gone and I am not feeling very good at all. We will get all your stuff and make sure you have a new place to live, ok?”
Melissa put her head down and just nodded. Just then there was a knock on the aluminum storm door. Violet answered it and in came a short woman with long black hair. She was made up with a lot of mascara and blush. She said hello to Velma, gave her condolences then turned her attention to Melissa. “Hi Melissa.” She said. “Sorry this didn’t work out for very long. “ She said. “Who is your friend?” she asked, looking at Maria.
“This is Maria. That’s her father. I spent the night there last night. They are really nice.” Melissa exclaimed.
“Can you go start to pack while I talk to Velma a little bit?” Jan asked.
When Melissa and Maria disappeared down the hall and she heard the door close the woman addressed Velma. “So, you are sure you can’t keep her at least for a while? I don’t have anywhere to put her right yet. There just ain’t enough people willing to take in a kid right now. She would likely have to go north up to the city to find a home for her and even that would be really short term I think. That family already has 5 other foster kids living with them.”
Violet spoke up quick. “Jan, this is Art, Maria’s dad. He was nice enough to let her spend the night at his house last night. He said he could put her up for a while until a permanent place could be found for her. Art, this is Jan. She is the case worker for Melissa.”Jan looked at me. “You got a wife there?”
“No.” I said. “She left about 7 years ago. I have raised my 3 daughters by myself since then. Maria is Melissa’s age, another who is 15 and another who is 19, off at college.”
Jan shook her head. “Wow, you should have a lot more gray hair if you raised 3 girls and 2 are teenagers.”
I laughed and said, “No, I just went bald instead.” Lifting up my cap to show my lack of hair on top.
She returned to the issue at hand, “Well, I have to check you out in the system and all that stuff but in an emergency I have some leeway. I have to come over and see where you live now though. My boss won’t like that you are a single dad.”
“I can vouch for him. He’s a great dad.” Mary spoke confidently. She looked at me and smiled.Jan responded quickly, “He may be a great dad, but my boss thinks all guys are perverts. She won’t like that there is no woman around. Who are you?”
Mary smiled at Jan, “I am his next door neighbor. I have lived next to him for 10 years now. I have seen him do all the stuff a mother and father would do and he does it really well. I am around a lot.”
I smiled at Mary. Jan looked hard at me again. “I’ll call the office and they’ll check you out. You cool with that? While they check we can go see your place.”
“Yep, no problem.” I said.
Jan didn’t spend much time at my house, or ask a lot of questions. She looked at the rooms, the kitchen, and the living room. She asked what I did for a living and I told her I was an artist. She looked at me funny and said, “You make enough money from that?”
I told her I did. I showed my studio to her, explained my commissions and contracts, and she seemed satisfied.
Her cell phone rang. “Hi Dot. Yea, I am over at his house now. It looks ok considering no woman lives here.” She explained. I looked at Mary. She was trying to keep from laughing.
Jan walked outside and closed the door. I could hear her talking but couldn’t hear what she was saying. She raised her voice a bit at one point. Finally she came back in and said, “She says you check out so far and Melissa can stay with you on an emergency basis for the week. What happens after that, who knows?”
We called Melissa and Maria downstairs. I sat down and brought the two of them close. “Melissa, if you want to, you can stay here for a while. Maria, would you mind having a roommate for a week? I know it doesn’t sound permanent but it’s the best we can do for now, ok?”
The looked at each other and out came a harmonized squeal that made everyone in the room smile and put their hands over their ears at the same time. Even Daria was smiling. They jumped around in circles laughing and whooping it up for a few minutes before stopping on a dime. Maria looked at me. “Can we go upstairs and rearrange our room?”
I looked around at all the smiling faces and said, “Go do your damage!” and off they ran.
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 24, 2011 | Arthur Koestler |
As I mentioned yesterday my daughter, Chelsea, got married last week in Seattle. She went to high school with her husband, Michael, but they didn’t date. He was in the drama department with her and most of her friends. I didn’t know Michael back then, but I did hear his name now and then.
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| Michael |
As a matter of fact, her first boyfriend, Landon, was one of his best friends. I knew Landon to be a funny, goofy actor with a great heart. He had a fantastic comedic edge, always quick to say something really funny. He was a Groomsman.
Her best friend, Delindy, was a Bridesmaid. I knew her through our church, where she was a ‘PK’ (pastor’s kid). She was also funny and a bit sarcastic. She constantly had to live with the pressure of being the daughter of the Pastor.
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| Delindy and Landon |
My oldest daughter, Rebekah, was Maid of Honor. She had to suffer through a number of years of Chelsea wanting to do everything she did, copying her and making her crazy.
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| Rebekah |
My youngest daughter, Caitlin, was also a Bridesmaid. She came into my life at age 13 when I started dating her mother, Linda. She had to cope with 3 new, older step-sisters, a new husband for her mother, as well as the high school cheerleading world.
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| Caitlin |
And of course there is Chelsea, the Bride. She was the youngest daughter all the way through the end of high school. The pressure to follow two very smart and very creative sisters through the school system was intense at times. She was shy as she grew but found her voice little by little until in high school she was her own person.
 |
| Chelsea and me |
These were the people I drew my napkins for, among others. I saw these young people go through their adolescence and I remember this: None of them were mature. None of them knew what hit them. None of them figured it out easily.
Adolescence wasn’t always fun. There was great drama. There was great emotional confusion. There were great ups and down. To be sure, at least in my house, there was fantastic fun and joy and growth as well. But make no mistake, it WAS a rocky ship they were in at times.
And now? Now they are wonderful adults, every one of them. I love them so dearly when I see them coming into their own.
Landon still the same fun and quick witted person. But more importantly, he is a good husband and father of 2 now. I couldn’t be prouder of him.
Delindy just graduated from University of Oklahoma. But more importantly, she struggled mightily to decipher who she is in the world, and is succeeding at it. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Rebekah is a Ph.D. candidate in Neuroscience. She is a genius no doubt. But more importantly, she is an unbelievably wonderful enthusiast and curious pursuer of all things fun and creative. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Caitlin is now a Senior in college. She’s on the Dean’s list and is a hard worker. but more importantly, she has grown into being strong and confident in the social and academic world. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Chelsea learns and adapts like know one else. But more importantly, she has never stopped with her enthusiasm for love, music, travel and friendship. She is growing and learning by leaps and bounds. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by me. It is a variation on one by Arthur Koestler.
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 22, 2011 | Eric Hoffer |
When I was in high school, and when my kids were in high school 30 years after I was, there was always the issue of ‘being yourself’. In our ignorance we thought the other kids were all alike and we wanted to be different. We wanted to be different together though. That is the key, even within individuality there is a natural desire to not be TOO different from each other.
My father used to make fun of all us high school buddies because we talked about being individuals but all wore the same sort of winter jackets, had the same sort of hair cuts and all just happened to like the same sort of looks in girls. How individual were we really?
My father was a business man so he, of course, had a suit and tie uniform he wore to work. But he also had a great deal of individuality in his casual dress and the things he surrounded himself with. I appreciated that a lot as I got older, and it gave me the confidence to feel comfortable standing out or fitting in, depending on the circumstances.
What are your memories of trying to fit in or stand out? Did you imitate a lot or did you lead the way and others imitated you?
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Eric Hoffer, 1902-1983, American Social writer and philosopher. Author of ‘The True Believer’.
One year ago today at The Napkin Dad Daily – The Single Biggest Problem in Communication
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 19, 2011 | Marty Coleman, Sunday in Sunrise - A short story |
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapters Ten & Eleven
Epilogue
Chapter 9
Velma was angry and sad at the same time. She had been by Angus’ side when he collapsed at home. Angus whispered for her to drive the truck to the hospital so they would have a way to get home later. She wanted to go in the ambulance with him but did what he suggested. When she got to the hospital they were already taking him in to the ER and when she saw him next, he was dead.
She was angry at Angus for suggesting that and at herself for agreeing to it. But the anger was overwhelmed by the sadness and desolation of knowing he was gone. 64 years of a life with the best partner in the world was over. She sat next to his hospital bed, holding his hand. She sniffed and sunk her head in her hands again and again. She would look up at his face and drop her head immediately, as if weighed too much for her neck.
Her sister, Violet, was there when I arrived. She stood behind Velma and rubbed her shoulders lightly. I stood off at a distance but Violet caught on that I wanted to talk to her and came over. Her eyes were red from crying. I told her who I was and that Melissa was at my house playing with Maria. She didn’t miss a beat before saying ‘Well, there is no way Velma can take care of her now, can she stay at your house?
I said, “Of course. She is about the same size as my daughter so she can wear her pajamas and fresh clothes in the morning if she wants. Someone can pick her up tomorrow or I can drop her off wherever she needs to go.”
Violet’s response made me nervous, “I meant I don’t think Velma will be able to take care of her for a long time, if ever. They were about to be finished with the foster children business. Velma looks healthy enough but she has been having spells lately. She fainted 3 times in the last 2 months and it was worrying Angus quite a bit. I will talk to her and maybe I can call you in the morning about what we need to do with Melissa, ok?”
I didn’t let my concern show when I said, “Ok, we will figure it out tomorrow.” I then had another worrisome thought. “Do you want me to tell her what happened or will Velma or you tell her?”
She said, “Well, I have a funny feeling she will be asking questions right away. If she does, go ahead and tell her. She has had people lie to her before about this sort of thing and she doesn’t take kindly to it. Just tell her the truth. ”Violet gave me her cell phone number and said I could call her instead of Velma’s home number for the next day since Velma would probably stay at her house, at least overnight.
After giving my condolences to Velma I drove home. After I called Mary to tell her I was on my way home I rolled down all 4 car windows. I felted oddly comforted by the wind, noise and buffeting I felt from the turbulent air swirling around me. I tried to figure out what words I would use in telling her what happened. I didn’t know if she was religious and should say he is in heaven. I wondered what Violet meant about Melissa having been lied to before. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want to be insensitive either.
Melissa and Maria were waiting in the front yard when I got home. “What happened?” Melissa asked as I shut the car door.
“Well, Angus had to go to the hospi…” “He’s dead, isn’t he?” She said before I finished my sentence.
I looked at her big eyes and knew that she knew. “Yes, he is” I said.
She sat in the grass and started to cry. Maria sat down as well and put her arm around her. Mary came out the front door. We walked a few strides away and she told me that Melissa had been saying she knew Angus was dead for almost an hour.
I told Mary what Violet had said about Velma probably not being able to take care of Melissa. Mary looked at me and said, “Well, Melissa and Maria have said more than a few times tonight that they wished they were sisters.”
I was up until the sunrise thinking many things.
