Why do we think skin equals sin? Why is the exposing of skin seen as dirty? Obviously in breastfeeding a mother shows her breast. If she is in public she might cover her breast with a blanket. But it’s also possible that she might choose not to cover, maybe because the child gets fussy under the blanket, maybe because she likes to watch her child nurse, maybe she likes the feel of the open air. Whatever her reason and whatever her choice there will be someone who feels it’s wrong, dirty or rude for her to nurse in public, no matter what.
It’s Your Fault
This gets to the heart of a persistent idea. It’s the idea that the woman is to blame for the actions of the man. It usually boils down to one thing, she showed too much skin. Whose fault is it if a man reacts rudely, even violently to a woman showing ‘too much skin’? In this persistent idea it is the woman’s fault. Why? Because you can’t expect a man to be able to control himself in the face of that much skin showing.
Self-Control
I, as a man, am offended by this the same way a woman would (and should) be offended by a comment saying a woman can’t control her emotions so she can’t be trusted in important roles in public life. The same is true with the ‘skin’ argument for men. It is not the case that men can’t handle it. It is the case that when men SAY they can’t handle it they are using it as an excuse for their own bad behavior. They are rationalizing their inability to have some self-control by blaming it on others. It’s not the ‘other’ who is to blame. It is the man.
A number of friends of mine are currently battling Breast Cancer. Many more have battled it in the past. I will address the cancer side of breasts in my artwork soon but in the meanwhile it got me thinking not just about cancer but about breasts in general. I thought I would do a series investigating how we use the idea and the reality of breasts in our lives; corporate, individual, commercial, political, literary and emotional.
BREASTS IN POLITICS
I thought this quote was pretty funny. Good wordplay combined with a strong political statement. And it’s an understandably alluring idea; that the key to success in a political endeavor is to bring in people who have not been properly represented and who offer a different way of viewing issues than the powers who have been in control.
But the truth is having breasts isn’t a good reason to vote for someone because having breasts doesn’t stop people from being boobs. In my home state of Oklahoma we have a number of women in power, and, in my opinion, many of them are damaging women’s progress in the world, not furthering it. Fair representation matters, yes. But having breasts isn’t the deciding factor in good governance. What matters is ideas and execution of those ideas, whether one has breasts or not.
I am going to make it fit because it’s day #5 of Marriage Week!
___________________
What do you pay attention to in your marriage, what you have in common or what you don’t? How do you fit the circle into the square? And yes, I know there is sexual innuendo, duh. Talk about that if you want but it ain’t all there is to talk about, right? RIGHT?
_________________
Drawing and questions by Marty Coleman, who likes bright blue eyeshadow (but not on himself)
Quote by Leo Tolstoy, which I mispelled first as ‘Tolstory’ and thought that would be a funny take off on Toy Story, don’t you?
Philosophically speaking, it’s day #4 of Marriage Week!
____________________________
It can be interesting and fun to be a philosopher, but it’s more fun and can be very interesting to be happy. Choose wisely. If you already chose and ended up with a bad one, give us your philosophy in one sentence.
Well, if it ain’t the bloomin’ day #3 of Marriage Week at the NDD!
__________________________
The Defensive Marriage
I am in the middle of a conversation right now about a friend’s defensiveness on her blog and in her marriage. Here is Monica’s blog entry so you’ll know what I am talking about. I found the quote above as I typed out a response and it occurred to me that defensiveness only comes about when you perceive an enemy.
If you are defensive in your marriage you might be perceiving a real threat, like an abusive spouse, in which case you are smart to be in the defensive posture. But what if you aren’t perceiving a real threat, but are simply being defensive out of habit? Perhaps being defensive in the face of a false threat might cause your spouse to respond defensively as well. And then what happens? Then you are no longer on the same side and it’s very unlikely that your marriage will blossom sinces it’s a pretty hard task to love an enemy, real or imagined.
So, the solution is to be vulnerable and not defensive. But doesn’t that bring it’s own problems? When you are vulnerable, don’t you risk being taken advantage of, exploited, treated unfairly? Isn’t that a threat worth protecting against? Yes, it is. But you have to decide when that risk of exploitation is likely or unlikely and adjust to that reality, not just implement a learned behavior of defensiveness that is no longer an effective response to your current life.
You have to be on the same side if you want your love to blossom.
_________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who is preaching to himself, as usual.
I am burning to tell you it’s day #2 of Marriage week!
___________________
Making Fire
A friend of mine, Natalie Tucker and her husband, from Glenelg, South Australia, recently went ‘glamping’ as she calls it, meaning camping without the roughing it. Even though I am not sure they had a fire and I AM sure it wasn’t out in the woods like the drawing even if they did (I saw a picture, they had a lawn at their campsite) hearing of their adventure made me connect when I found this quote about marriage. The end of the quote (which I didn’t include because it seemed obvious) compares the well built fire, with it’s closeness and it’s distance, to a well built marriage, which needs the same combination.
I also recently had a conversation with a friend who mentioned another friend who is considering divorce, the reason being that she has grown in directions, and in ways, that her husband hasn’t and/or doesn’t seem to understand or support. Her changes have led to them growing apart. I hear about this happening all the time and the one constant always seems to be not growing together. It’s not because they are doing different things, having different hobbies. It’s because they aren’t sharing those things with each other. It could be they are hiding something. They perhaps are afraid of a negative reaction. The other person might actively reject hearing about it. Or it could be they just forget to talk about things and before you know it they are so far down a road it seems impossible to backtrack and let the other person in on it.
It’s not an easy situation to be in and I certainly don’t think there is a simple solution. But at it’s essence, a relationship is about communication. If you aren’t interested or willing to communicate about who you are and the life you lead, then there is a pretty good chance you will have an empty marriage or no marriage at all.
____________________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who last went camping in 2002.
Quote is my variation on one by Marnie Reed Crowell, 1939 – not dead yet, American writer
It’s the IDEAL time to start a series on Marriage, don’t you think?
____________________________
Perfect. Ideal. Two words that marriage quickly eviscerates. But marriage doesn’t really do anything, does it. The people in the marriage do the eviscerating. They are the ones that, after a while, act without gratitude for their mate. They are the ones that forget the positive things their mate brings to their world. They are the ones that start to imagine greener grass. Then what is they usually find if they go off to that new plot of lawn? They discover it isn’t all that greener after all.
Why is that? What is it we have lost when the wife or husband no longer seems ideal? There are all sort of reasons, some I would think are valid, some I would think are not. But it isn’t up to me to decide another marriage’s fate. It’s up to me to discern what I might do within my marriage to become a husband closer to my wife’s ideal. Maybe I can come close, maybe I can’t. But I certainly won’t get very close if I am not paying attention to her and her wishes and desires for a mate, for her life.
I don’t think I am particularly good at that. But I am starting to realize it is as much or more about me and what I do than it is about her and what she does. Why is that? Because I can’t control my wife. I can’t make her my ideal, I can’t make her better or funnier or happier. I can’t change her. I can however work on those things in myself. Maybe I succeed, maybe I don’t. But if I pay attention to what I can do, then who knows who I can become. An ideal husband? Probably not. But a man moving in that direction? I bet most wives would take and keep that mate in a heartbeat.
_______________________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, married 25 years over two marriages.
Quote by Booth Tarkington, which I think is a funny name.
ALERT THE MEDIA! It’s day #3 of ‘It’s The Law!’ week at the NDD!
______________________
I read a great article this morning by a writer friend I haven’t ever met, Monica Bielanko. She writes for a celebrity oriented website and has been struggling with the issue of reporting on celebrity’s children. It got me thinking about the current state of affairs in our media culture and this is what I wrote in response to her article. Go read the article if you have time, it’s worth it. It gave me a great deal of respect for Monica.
Snarky judgment is the single worst cultural development of the last 20 years and I hate it. I know both have been around forever but we as a culture have embraced it and made it hip and cool in the past few decades. It’s not hip, it’s not cool. It’s sophomoric, it’s mean-spirited, and it’s demeaning to both the speaker and the object of the attention.
Any ongoing attitude you have in life, good or bad, is sort of like a chronic disease. It will increase and change into something fatal. If you focus on loving, forgiving, being compassionate and kind, you become more of those things over time. You end up being one of those fantastic grandparents that has more love than you can possibly comprehend someone having. If you focus on being sarcastic (even if it is funny, which much of it is) judgmental and purposely get a kick out of inflicting pain on others then you will end up being mean, bitter, hurtful and angry at the world. I choose the former set of attitudes to work on and pay attention to in others.
What do you think of the current media world we live in? Do you watch certain shows you actually hate yourself for watching? I watched both The Soup and Fashion Police for quite a while. I have stopped watching both because the judgment and mean-spiritedness was not what I wanted to pay attention to. Anyone want to produce a positive version of Fashion Police? I will watch it in a second!
___________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who wants to be a kind old grandpa one day.
Quote by Mark Twain, who was if I remember correctly.
