It’s day #4 of ‘What’s The Problem?’ Week at the NDD
When I got divorced in 2000 I had a lot of resentment towards my ex-wife. When she would come over to get or drop off the kids I would be civil, but cold and short with her. I knew that forgiveness was good, but forgiveness also meant telling her that what she did was ok, right?
Wrong. I realized that forgiveness wasn’t about my ex-wife, it was about me. What person did I want to be? I wanted to be the person I always had been, a kind and forgiving person. I couldn’t be that if I was holding it back towards the most important person in my life up to that point, no matter what she had done.
But I was confused. I thought I had to forgive first, then I could eventually be kind. But I soon realized the opposite was true. I had to be kind first, and in the act of kindness my forgiveness would blossom. So, I started inviting her in when she came over. I offered her something to drink. I asked her how she had been doing, what new things were happening. I told her about my life as well. We talked more about our kids, what they were going through, what they needed. And eventually, through my decision to show kindness first, before forgiving, I started to see her as she really was, a good woman who made a choice I didn’t agree with. She wasn’t evil, bad or terrible. She was the same woman she had been before the divorce and I could still love that woman, albeit from afar and in a different way.
So, in the end, loving the person became more important than holding on to my problem. And the result? The problem went away.
The most important thing in life is love. If you are angry at someone don’t lose sight of the fact that in the end you want your own heart and mind to feel and show love towards that person. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever get angry or upset. It means you keep in mind the end goal, the purpose, behind your expression. Have the courage to work through it within yourself and with the other person until love is what is left and the negative feeling is what is left behind.
I am not a great writer. I get my grammar wrong, my sentence structure is sometimes caddywumpus and I definitely do not know proper punctuation. But I do know metaphors and analogies pretty well and it’s one of my great pleasures in life to read, hear or come up with good ones. But just as pleasurable is when I hear, read or come up with really bad ones.
Why is it so great to hear something so bad? Because it’s as if the world suddenly became an absurdist Looney Tunes cartoon with funny looking people and fractured language right in front of my eyes. I like things that make no sense whatsoever but still point to something that makes sense.
Most importantly, it makes me laugh and I like that.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Have you ever dealt with someone in the middle of addiction? You will probably hear them admit that the solution is for them to stop drinking, gambling, etc. long before they will accurately admit the problem. How can that be? Ask them what the problem is and see what they say. They might say it’s stress, or maybe family, finances, parents, spouses, where they live, their job, health, kids, responsibilities, boss, environment or politics.
But they will do everything in their power to avoid seeing the real problem because the real problem is them. They will offer all sorts of solutions for how to change all those things, but they won’t ever get to and succeed at implementing the real solution until they admit the real problem.
If you pay too much attention to everyone else’s problems and how to solve them you might just be avoiding your own.
I hope you don’t have a problem with it being day 2 of ‘What’s The Problem?’ week.
FEELING ALONE
Have you ever NOT felt alone with your problems? They are unique and private and not many will understand. Even when you KNOW the problem is not unique to you, it still finds a unique way of manifesting itself in you that makes the problem different than how others experience it, right?
THE PROBLEM WITH COMMONALITY
It is true, each person’s problems are unique. But sometimes they are so alike to other’s problems that medical professionals or communities at large see and treat only that commonality. But if you really want to help a fellow human you have find your way clear of the generalities to seeing them as the individual they are. You can’t do that if you only see them as a statistic or a vessel for a chemical reaction.
THE PROBLEM WITH INDIVIDUALITY
Have you ever felt good about owning your own problems? That can be good; indeed you do have to deal with them as your own. BUT, if you then take the next step – becoming prideful and self-righteous about how you suffer alone, then you move from positive self-awareness to an ego driven path of isolation and delusion.
If you are one of those suffering from feeling alone in your problem just remember that IF you are willing to share your situation with those who love and care for you, whether they are professionals or friends and family, then your journey for solutions will be at least be traveled on the common ground of love and care, not only on the lonely ground of private suffering.
Wrong assumptions can usually stop someone dead in their tracks.
If you have a problem, something as big as a financial mess or as small as being late for a meeting, and you think your first attack on it is going to yield an immediate solution to the problem, then you could be quite disillusioned when instead your solution yields more problems.
But if you know in advance that is how life works, that problems worthy of attack will attack back, then you can gather up the courage and mental fortitude to fight back, not just once, but again and again until the problem is solved.
In 2008 I helped found the Tulsa Digital Photography Group, later named ‘PHOTOG’. It now has close to 600 members, making it the largest in Oklahoma. We put on photo shoots once or twice a month and have a monthly library presentation that I lead. Sometimes I do the presentation other times we have guest photographers come in.
Here are some of the photos I have taken at our shoots over the years.
Rust
This was taken after a studio lighting seminar. The outdoor area had a lot of great locations as well and we continued taking portraits well after the seminar ended.
Look
This was also taken at a studio lighting session. She was the owner of the studio and it took a bit of convincing to get her to model for us.
Another Way of Seeing
This was taken at an equestrian competition shoot. I had to run fast when I saw this girl hanging upside down to get the shot.
Tulsa
This was taken at a ‘painting with Light’ session. I had my camera on a tripod with a long exposure and ran out into the field to draw the word ‘TULSA’ with a flashlight. It took me 7 tries to get the S facing the right way, it’s HARD!
Color Composition #3
This was taken at a Color Composition shoot I led at the Cherry Street Farmer’s Market. Who says red and pink don’t go together.
Tail #1
this was taken at a ‘How to Approach a Stranger’ shoot I led at Tulsa’s Blue Dome Festival. I had already taken photos of this woman’s face when I got attracted to the great color and textures of her scarf, hair and shirt.
Tail #2
This was taken at a Tulsa Zoo shoot. The tail said it all about this guy.
Candy Cane
This was taken at a Bokah Christmas Lights shoot at Rhema Bible College. Bokah is a technique using a very short depth of field where only a small area is in focus.
Ghost Walk
This was taken at a studio/model shoot. This window covering was meant to diffuse the light for portraits but I was drawn to it for how it created silhouettes and shadows in very compelling ways.
Halloween
This was taken at our annual Halloween Cemetery shoot. We have our models dress up in all sorts of fun halloween type costumes and just have a blast with a myriad of the techniques taught over the years.
Due to the very public passing of Steve Jobs I have been listening, reading and thinking quite a bit about death this week.
One of the best clarifications of death and why it has ultimate value to us the living was spoken by Mr. Jobs himself during his commencement address at Stanford University in 2005. Here are three paragraphs from that address. Take the time to read them. It really is worth the time, after all…
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. (emphasis mine) Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Another series I particularly liked from 2010 was one I did on STRESS. I don’t remember feeling particularly stressed when I did it but I think my wife Linda was at the time. That is probably what inspired me. Click on the drawing to see the original post with commentary.
Last night I gave a trial run of the presentation I am giving at Blog World LA in November. Its title is ‘The Six Stop Signs on Creativity Road’. I didn’t quite make it down to 6, I had 8 instead. but I will get there. One of the stop signs involves worrying about people being better than you. That is a paralyzer. But just is bad is thinking you are better than others.
Now, I don’t mean the thought should never enter your mind. If you win a race, you realize you are better than others in that race. What matters is if you publicize that ‘betterness’ just to pump yourself up or to push the other person down. When that happens it is one person rubbing the other person’s nose in their inferiority. When that happens to you, your estimation of the other person doesn’t go up, it goes down. And when you extol your own superiority, it might build you up in your own mind, but it doesn’t build you up in anyone else’s.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily Quote by Anonymous
Sometimes I have a napkin sitting around that I try various markers out on to see if the color is right or if it still has enough ink in it. I keep this napkin until I have made a lot of random marks. Sometimes I feel up to a challenge of turning these random marks into something. This can lead to a pretty strange drawing, in this case of strange creatures.
If you want to be challenged creatively try this: Find something that has no purpose to it any longer. It could be a napkin, an old text book, an old piano, what it is doesn’t matter. Put on your creativity hat and see what new thing you can make of it.
