Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Other sins find themselves in evil deeds, pride finds itself in good ones, but both destroy.” – Augustine, 354-430, early christian father, Bishop of Hippo
I loved my school days. Do I seem like a bully to you? I don’t think you could find a friend from high school who thought I was.
But they would be wrong. I knew how to bully and did it at times. Why did I do it? Let me quote someone else who said it best.
“There doesn’t always have to be a reason. People don’t even always dislike the people they’re bullying, it’s just something they have fun doing … It’s not really something they even care about – it’s just like something they can do, and then friends join in, and it’s almost like entertainment, I guess.”– Dylan Kaufman, 12th grade, Northampton High School
Reported at Gazettenet.com
Here is my worst case of bullying and it fits in perfectly with that reasoning.
In our junior year of high school a number of my friends and I drove to Florida on spring break. In Florida we met up with two girls that were co-workers back in our home town with some of our gang. They were both fun and pretty and we were having a great time. We were also drinking.
One of the popular songs at the time, that we all happened to hate, was ‘Every time I see your face’ by Ringo Starr. It came on the radio when we were driving around with the girls. We started singing along with this song we hated.
In the meanwhile, one of the girls had been upset about something I think, I don’t remember for sure. I do know we were sort of annoyed about it. So, what happened? We turned on her. We weren’t trying to bully, we were letting out our annoyance at her. But with a bunch of guys all drinking, bantering and feeding off each other, it wasn’t long before we were singing very cruel and hurtful lyrics about her and her face. It didn’t cease until she was out on the balcony of our hotel room in tears.
In truth, it had very little to do with her at all. We were just ‘having fun’ cracking ourselves up over who could come up with the rudest lyrics. But our intent was beside the point. We knew we were hurting her and we continued because our fun was more important than she was. We thought she should have understood what we were doing. We thought she should just ‘get over it’. We thought the next day she would have forgotten about it like we did. That was not the case.
It was a shameful and bad thing we did. I remember thinking later how that really was over the top cruel and I never wanted to get that out of control with my words and actions again. I didn’t like being that mean, it wasn’t fun like we thought. It was just mean. If I could find that woman I would apologize in a heartbeat for that cruelty and whatever bad feelings remained with her about that moment in time.
An important note: My best friend, Jim Moore, who was with us on the trip, did not contribute to this cruel episode. I don’t remember it all that clearly but I think he was instrumental in getting us to finally stop. He was kind and thoughtful that way and it made me look up to him even more after that.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Show me a person who enjoyed their school days and I will show you a bully and a bore.” – Robert Morley, 1908-1998, British actor
Day 5 of the Napkin Dad’s guide to Manners and Etiquette. This is the last in the series for now. Though if you all get rude and mean, I will come back with more!
I like that this most relaxed and easy of definitions is by Emily Post, the queen of American etiquette for the past 100 years. She was known, as are her descendants, as being easy going, unpretentious and utterly unimpressed with showy displays of so-called etiquette.
Think about those around you and try your best to make them comfortable and cared for. Try your best to not purposely offend them or hurt their feelings. Do those things and most any other issues of etiquette and manners will take care of themselves.
That means you have to pay attention and be humble about your own status and knowledge, especially when traveling to foreign countries. That includes traveling across town in many cases!
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” – Emily Post, 1872-1960, American author and etiquette expert.
Some things to note: Post was a divorced single mother, a pretty rare and sometimes shameful thing back in the 1800’s. She started writing after her sons were grown up a bit, publishing first at the age of 32. Her famous book ‘Etiquette’ did not get published until she was 50 years old.
Day 4 in The Napkin Dad’s guide to good manners
I hadn’t thought of that term as a rebellion against manners and etiquette, but it is.
I understand how sensitivity becomes a joke after a while. It seems ludicrous, doesn’t it. But when we get beyond that reaction it is about treating others as they want to be treated.
For example, if my wife didn’t like me using the term ‘baby’ when referring to her, it doesn’t take a genius to understand that if I love her I would stop using that term, right?
How is it any different than a nationality, tribe, or group not wanting to be called by a certain term? If you proclaim love and respect for all people then wouldn’t you be willing to change the word you use?
After all, caring for someone isn’t about making yourself feel good, it’s about making them feel good. Which mean you have to actually pay attention to their needs and desires.
What terms do you think should be ‘retired’?
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“The pejorative term ‘political correctness’ was adapted to express disapproval of the enlargement of etiquette to cover all people, in spite of this being a principle to which all Americans claim to subscribe.” – Judith Martin, 1938-not dead yet, American author and etiquette authority
It is still rude, however. But when someone is rude to you it isn’t that they are judging you. Their rudeness proves they are judging those they have battled before. Those who hurt them, fooled them, laughed at them, were rude to them. Those who denigrated, belittled, betrayed, and otherwise disappointed and hurt the person’s hopes, desires and expectations. Rudeness is their way of battling back.
It feels good to be rude sometimes. It’s satisfying, like you got someone back. But of course, the problem is you usually don’t get the right person back and, even if you do, you don’t end up being satisfied in the long run.
Better to stop the chain of rudeness and be nice, ok? That’s easy enough, isn’t it?
By the way – I know they don’t look like very realistic tongues. But that race of skinny headed people have giant lozenge-like tongues. I checked.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
“It’s not a slam at you when people are rude – It’s a slam at the ones they’ve met before.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, 1896-1940, American writer
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” – Fred Astaire, 1899-1987, American entertainer
Day one in a series on manners
I found this quote on twitter and it hit me as a fantastically concise and perceptive statement about the truth of rudeness.
When I think about examples of rudeness it seems there are two main reasons for it. One, the person really doesn’t know they are being rude. We are not talking about that.
Two, the person does know and feels empowered by it. They like the expansion of their field of control. They stretch out their fork to get food off another person’s plate. They stretch out their voice into a phone and a waiting room or theatre. They stretch out their disrespect by never acknowledging people who serve and care for them.
The list can go on. But what they all have in common is the rude person attempting to be superior. subjugating others to their physical, emotional or psychological space. People who are confident and strong don’t have that need, they know who they are and can treat others with respect and good manners. The weak person is the one constantly trying to get others to see the strength they know they are lacking, usually in a passive aggressive way.
You can’t avoid rudeness in life. But you can contribute to it’s diminishing by not enabling it. Don’t be a weanie when it rears it’s ugly head. Say something. That is unless of course you live in Oklahoma where they just passed a law allowing people to wear guns in a holster on their hip like back in the wild west. In that case, be careful!
Seriously though and more importantly, if you are a parent raise your kids to not be rude by teaching and giving them experiences that bring out their true strength and confidence.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Rudeness is a weak person’s imitation of strength.” – Eric Hoffer, 1902-1983, American writer and social philosopher.
Posted on twitter by Lisa Merlo-Booth of ‘Straight Talk on Relationships’ blog
Taken from my 1997 sketchbook. I used a typical ball point pen. Drawn at Asbury United Methodist Church in Tulsa, OK where we were going at the time.
The woman in the foreground was a friend of ours. She had done some sort of magic to her hair that morning because it was perfectly coiffed and very shiny. The woman behind her had nice hair too, but it was SO wildly different that I was drawn to the juxtaposition.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
