by Marty Coleman | Oct 24, 2013 | Dating 101 - 2013 |
I got it together in time to post #3 of Dating 101
Silly Love Songs
I remember reading a Paul McCartney interview after his first wife, Linda, died. He told that through 20+ years of marriage they had only spent something like 4 days apart from each other. That’s saying something considering he was a traveling rock star. Yes, she was in Wings, but she also was a mother of young children, and an author in her own right with her own business identity. Their marriage has always been held up as a paragon of romance and love, in large part because of stories like that and Sir Paul’s inclination to write silly love songs to her. And I think that’s great.
Familiarity and Absence
But for most relationships, married or not, constant togetherness isn’t always ideal. It does a mind and body good to be independent for stretches of time. Too long obviously and the relationship can fall apart, but not enough time away from each other can be just as detrimental. The two famous cliche quotes, “Familiarity breeds contempt” and ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder” are cliches because they are repeated again and again. And they are repeated again and again because people discover them to be true again and again.
Fear of Aloneness
I often see updates on Facebook or elsewhere from a woman (in most cases) who states something akin to, “Wow, boyfriend is on a fishing trip. I don’t know what to do with myself.” When I read these things I sometimes worry about what will happen if her boyfriend and she break up? Will she know herself well enough to know what she wants to do with her time?
Courage to Keep You You
In my mind the way to avoid that issue is to never let go of what interests you and what you like to do. Always take the time to follow those interests. For example, when I go on a trip, I like, if possible, to spend an extra day dedicated to going to museums. Could I come home a day earlier to be with my wife? Yes, I could. And I miss her so it would be nice to be home. But it’s also nice to explore what I like. And it makes me a more interesting person for her to be married to. And it backs up the reality that I am an individual and will be the best individual I can be if I have a strong identity on my own. It strengthens my marriage, my relationship with my daughters and my friends, as well as my work as a blogger, artist and coach.
So, my advice? Don’t meld into cosmic oneness with your boyfriend and lose your identity. Instead lean into your boyfriend, and let him lean into you, interdependent, interesting and individual.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Victoria Billings, 1945 – not dead yet, American Journalist
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 23, 2013 | Anonymous, Dating 101 - 2013 |
It’s nobody’s fault that today is day #2 of Dating 101
Body and Soul
What type of woman does Playboy say they present? A good woman with a great body, right? What type of Prince does Disney say they present? A good man with a great body, right? Not that different after all. In both cases the person is refined to a high degree. Warts are removed, whether in character or body. Behavior is fun, but not too fun. They have personality, but not too much personality. They are unique, but not not too unique. They are serious, but not too serious. They have morals but not so strict as to be unrelatable. They are portrayed as loving their object of affection in just the way that object wants to be loved.
In other words, they endeavor to present an ideal person who is also the boy or girl next door.
Reality
Now, what is reality like? Our spouses, or potential spouses, may or may not have great bodies. They may be too serious or too much of a character. They stand out too much, or perhaps they blend in too much. We who are married pretty much know this truth. But those of you who are dating? What if you actually confuse fiction and reality? What if you think women really should glow in that ‘natural light’ with breasts perky and desire strong while meeting all your domestic needs? What if you think that men really should provide forever, save you from all danger, never be mean or stray or not attend to your every need, all the while being a stud. What then?
Picky and Settling
Then you are picky and anything short of that unrealistic ideal is settling. It’s a fun fantasy but life is isn’t going to wait around for a fantasy. It’s going to pass you by while many good men and women pass them by as well.
Playboy and Disney both provide fantasy stories. They should be kept in that genre. Reality is much more interesting, fun and challenging than fantasy anyway.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is Anonymous
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 21, 2013 | Anonymous, Dating 101 - 2013 |
Doing the marriage series last week made me contemplate what leads to marriage, which is dating, of course. So this week I am presenting a most helpful and informative teaching series on dating. Chime in with your hints and tips.
The Head in Charge
Women, I am about to tell you something you probably already know. Men have have a big head and a little head. Sometimes big head lets little head do what passes for the thinking between the two. Little head can easily rationalize acting really stupid, manipulative, selfish and immature. If big head isn’t maintaining some control over little head then both heads can get in trouble as a result. They can also hurt relationships, friendships, families, children, communities and themselves. Little head doesn’t think about those consequences.
Women, How To Tell
Women, you know, or should know, that men have these two heads. You should look for signs that tell which head is doing the thinking when on a date. If you feel you are being manipulated in conversation and being pushed into doing something they don’t want to do, in spite of you letting it be known they don’t want to do it, you can rest assured it’s Little Head doing the thinking. Big head has checked out and is just along for the ride. Women, being able to spot this phenomenon is a helpful quality to have. It can save you a lot of grief. It doesn’t mean the guy is bad, it just means you might want to wait until his big head is back in charge before you get too involved.
Men, You Should Know
Ah Men, you thought I was going to leave it there and say that it’s all due to you having these two heads, didn’t you? No, it isn’t. Men, you should know that women also have two heads. If you don’t then you haven’t been paying attention. Their little head can take control over their big head as well. Yes, you men seem to let little head take over with more frequency, it’s true. But women aren’t one headed robots. They can cede control to little head on a date and wreak some havoc in the wrong situation too. It’s not a one way street.
Master of My Domain
I am hopeful the dear reader does not think I am against little heads. I think they are wonderful and have an important role to play. Some of my best friends, of both genders, have them. But just as a captain leads the ship on the voyage, big head needs to be master of the dating domain, not little head.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is anonymous
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The worlds biggest head reportedly belonged to the wrestler, Andre the Giant.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 18, 2013 | Bob Edwards, Marriage - 2012/13 |
I judge today to be a good day to finish up our Marriage series!
Trust Judgment
Do you trust a person’s opinion of their spouse? Most likely they know the person the best, right? As a result, wouldn’t they have the most accurate judgment? It seems logical except it comes up against another idea, as told in a quote we all have heard, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt.’ The problem isn’t that we know our spouse so well. It’s that we know our spouse TOO well. So well that our opinion is skewed. It might be skewed toward contempt and denigration like I show in my drawing or toward adulation and adoration.
Judgment for What?
As I was drawing this I came up with a quote, ‘If there is no reason behind your judgment, then don’t judge.’ I was thinking about how a spouse’s judgment has a different reason and purpose than most others. She might be judging based on his emotional attentiveness, finding him lacking or fantastic. But your judgment might need to be made based on his technical skills at work. He might judge his wife based on her organizational skills around the house but you might need to judge her on her social ability at the volunteer organization you both help out at.
What is the reason for your judgment? Very likely it’s different than the spouse’s reasons. Either way, to latch on to someone else’s judgment of someone is a dangerous thing, spouse or not. Making your own judgment, based on your criteria and reasoning, is essential to being an adult in the world.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Bob Edwards, 1860-1922, Canadian Humorist
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 17, 2013 | Marriage - 2012/13, Stephen Leacock |
I love that today is day #9 of our Marriage series.
The Part
Have you ever been fixated on one particular aspect of a person? Maybe you are in love with their hair, or voice, or smile, or maybe their dimples. As an artist and photographer I am constantly finding things I absolutely love about a person’s visual self. Granted my visual taste can be a bit eccentric. I am a huge fan of great eyebrows for example. If I see great eyebrows I will make sure to compliment the person they are attached to. I love fingernail and toenail polish done really well. I love freckles. And tattoos. And scars. And makeup that most people think is too much.
I also find myself attracted to the internal parts as well. To funny. And bawdy. And educated. And creative. And honest. And more.
The Whole
When I was younger I was like the guy above. I would translate my admiration for the person’s part, internal or external, into an admiration of the whole person. And that was a good thing in one way. I should embrace and see the whole person. They aren’t just one part. But it was bad in another way. My attraction to the one part made me oblivious to whether I liked or was compatible with the whole person. I had a bit of tunnel vision, in other words.
Maturity
That was ok in high school and college. That was my learning process. When I got married right after college I thought I had found a person whose whole being was right for me. Turns out she didn’t necessarily think I was the whole person she was wanting or expecting and after 20 years we got divorced. It was during the time I dated, between the divorce and my remarriage 6 years later, that I learned that no matter how attracted I was to one part, if I was not attracted or compatible with the whole person (or at least most of the person), I was going to be in big trouble. That is why I decided I wouldn’t become exclusive for at least 3 months of dating and why I would wait at least a year after starting to date someone to ask them to marry me. Turns out I asked linda after 2 years of dating and we married a year later. I felt like I had more confidence that my attraction had transcended one particular part of her and had come to know, love and embrace the whole of her.
Growth
Of course, as marriages go on new parts of people come up. They become new people, their ‘whole person’ changes. That’s ok, it’s another part of reality that we need to learn as we grow. We change, so do others. That is why marriage isn’t just about liking and loving the person as they once were. It’s about loving and committing to the person’s growth and change as well. That is where I feel Linda and I have had much greater success than in any of our past relationships over the years. I am happy we allow and include that in our relationship.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Stephen Leacock, 1869 – 1944, Canadian writer and humorist
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 16, 2013 | Italian Proverbs, Marriage - 2012/13 |
It would be a sin not to post Marriage #8 today.
The Man
This Italian Proverb brings up a LOT of issues. First, why is it not the opposite? Why isn’t there an Italian Proverb that says ‘If the husband sins, the wife is not innocent.’? I think it is safe to assume there isn’t a proverb like that because no one really believes it. People believe that if a man sins, (by the way, for purposes of our conversation here, sin equals adultery), he does so for his own reasons. If a man blames his wife he can pretty much assume he will be seen as an even more complete douche bag than if he has the affair and blames himself.
The Woman
So, why is the proverb about the wife? I think it taps into an assumption. The assumption is that women are better than men. They are more moral, more loyal, more faithful. So, the thinking might go that, because of this superiority, they will not easily fall into adultery just from being horny or egotistical. They won’t jump some guy just to prove they can. They have to have a better reason. And that reason is emotional. And if they have the emotional need to have sex with another man, the fault lies partly (if not completely) with the husband for not meeting her emotional needs.
Sexist or True?
So, the question is simple. In your personal experience, or in lives you have witnessed, is this proverb true? Or is it perhaps sexist to assume the woman is less responsible for her ‘sin’ than a man is? What do you think?
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is an Italian Proverb
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 15, 2013 | Illustrated Short Stories, Travel Napkins |
Gotta love some time to just relax and draw while on a road trip.
A Rainy Day at a Starbucks in Dallas, Texas
It is raining.
I suspect frizz is the worry for one woman and so she puts her hair in a bun. A woman’s face is barely showing, her hair covering almost all of it as she looks down at her phone. I think perhaps she compensates by showing a lot of cleavage. A woman in a green shirt doesn’t know I am drawing her as she reads People magazine. The DART glides by. The couple touch each other as they talk. I suspect they will break up soon.
One of them is my wife.
The End
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Drawing and story by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 10, 2013 | Brenda Davidson, Marriage - 2012/13 |
It’s good to put today’s drawing, #7 in the Marriage series, to bed.
What ‘Good in Bed’ Means to Me
My wife and I do one of our favorite things in bed. We do it every day, unless one of us is out of town or is getting up at 4:30 am to go run (guess who that is). We both get a LOT of pleasure from it and don’t want it to end. We do it almost the exact same way every single time. It usually takes the same amount of time. We usually both get up and go into the bathroom right afterwards.
What is it we do?
We cuddle.
There are other things we do in bed; watch TV, talk, read, play games on our phones, and some other stuff now and then. But our favorite thing is to cuddle every morning. I usually get up about an hour before Linda does. But I hear her call as her alarm goes off and I stop what I am doing and go back in for our cuddle. It’s the best.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Brenda Davidson ( I have no idea which Brenda Davidson. There are about a gazillion listed on the internet, none more famous than the other, so heck if I know.)
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 9, 2013 | Anonymous, Marriage - 2012/13 |
I did a marriage series in 2012 but found some new quotes recently so I decided to add to it.
Faults? What Faults?
This can be taken as anti-wife. The wife as a nag, as a critic, as someone who is always wanting to change the man into her version of who he should be. The faults aren’t real, they are simply things she doesn’t like. Many husbands would say their wives fit this characterization. Without a change the husband is going to withdraw into depression, crack or divorce. They are not happy husbands.
Yes, Your Faults
This can be taken as anti-husband. The husband is an oblivious oaf who has not clue how rude, insensitive, lazy, sexist and unfeeling he is. The faults actually are real and they need to be addressed. Many wives would say their husbands fit this characterization. Without a change the wife is going to withdraw into depression, crack or divorce. They are not happy wives.
Fault Control
In my experience, more wives than husbands tend to think they are indispensable. That if they don’t do it, no one will, especially the husband, and the family will fall apart. If you are that wife, ask yourself this question. What if I died today? Will the world go on? Will your sons and daughters get dressed and go to school without your help or will they stay in their pajamas, unfed, all day long? The answer is, they will get to school. They may have a mismatched set of socks, but they will get to school. Life will suck for a while but there is a very good chance they will recover, your husband will recover, and they will survive. You are close to indispensable, but you are not. Your understanding of control should reflect that reality.
Fault Ego
But are the husbands not responsible in all this? Yes, they are responsible. I often go back and forth between doing what my wife wants me to do (and thinking I am doing it because of that) and doing what I want to do. And what do I find? I find that they really aren’t that far apart at all. So my wife asked me to change the kitty litter. Do I really think if she wasn’t around I wouldn’t ever change the kitty litter? If I am the stunted mental age of a 12 year old maybe. But I, and all other husbands, are not. We are adults. We are going to change the kitty litter. So, if she reminds me or I get to it first, who cares? She is not a nag when she is helping you do what you would do anyway. That person is called a partner.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing by Marty Coleman
Quote is Anonymous
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 8, 2013 | Women and Makeup - 2013 |
It’s over a week late and is bizarre, but it’s the final entry in my Makeup series.
Experiment
On the first day of my ‘Makeup’ series I drew this line drawing. I was just letting the drawing lead the way, without a real idea of what I wanted to do. I titled it ‘Makeup is Brand’ because I had started to think about our presentation of self in the world and how, in marketing and PR parlance, Brand identity is basically defined as what people think of you or your company. But I didn’t really know where to go with it at the time and the line drawing, without color, didn’t connect enough to do anything with it. So I went about drawing the other 4 napkins of the Makeup Series and kept this one off to the side. After I was done and had moved on to the next series I decided I would just play with this image. Just experiment with color and pattern. This is the result.
In the meanwhile, what do you think about the idea of ‘Makeup is Brand’?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
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