Recently I went to Philbrook Museum of Art here in Tulsa to do a photo shoot for a friend, Kathi Morrison, and her family. When we were done I left the family and went traipsing around the museum on my own for a while. When I came down stairs I found Kathi’s daughter, Lauren, at a little kid’s drawing table drawing herself in a mirror. Her brother was there as well and asked me, “Do you know how to draw”? I said yes and sat across from his sister and started to draw her drawing herself as he watched. This is the drawing that resulted.
Lauren Morrison
Here is a photo I took of her earlier in the day during the family portrait session.
Lauren Morrison
Here is Lauren with the rest of her family in one of the group portraits.
Kathi Morrison and Family
If you haven’t had a chance to get to Philbrook you really should go. It’s the former home of Waite Phillips of Phillips 66 gasoline fame and is now a world class museum. It has the original mansion as well as a large modern addition where temporary exhibitions, lectures and educational activities take place. It even has a fantastic restaurant called ‘The Villa’ that serves lunch and a great Sunday brunch. And, as the photo below shows, it’s got an incredible outdoor space. What you see here is both the formal and informal Italian gardens. Behind and to the left and right are great open spaces with sculptures, walkways and a creek.
Mabel and Ethel were frightened by the sudden sound at their kitchen window. They were in the living room watching a show about the French Revolution and Ethel didn’t want to miss the part about the decapitations so she asked her ‘sister’ to put it on hold while she went to investigate. Ethel figured it was probably a bird that had hit the window but instead was greeted by 15 bodyless girl ghosts pressed up against the glass looking cold and lost. Ethel called to Mabel to come right away.
Mabel yelled from the other room, “Is it a person? Cuz I ain’t gotta bra on and am not going in there if it is!”
Ethel said, “Not Exactly.”
After Mabel came in, covering herself just in case Ethel was lying, they discussed what to do. It was decided that they looked harmless enough and it was very cold out so they should do something. They opened the door and let them in.
The first girl ghost who came in asked, ” Can you tell us how to get to Wolla Tompo? We are lost because our GPS (ghost positioning system) gave out on us in Belltramp.”
Mabel brought out an old fashioned paper map and laid it out on the table and pointed in the upper right corner, “If you just go over this hill behind our house and fly…you are flying, right?… fly north until you see the big ugly rock quarry that is shaped like a peeing dog, you will find the town just east of there. Look for the big sign advertising the new crematorium.”
Penelope, the leader of the Girl Ghost gang said, “Thanks, can you tell me how long it might take?”
Ethel responded, “Well, it takes us about 15 minutes on our brooms, but we aren’t very fast.”
Isabel, Penelope’s wise-cracking sidekick said, “I wish we had brooms but since we don’t have hands they probably wouldn’t help much.”
Mabel asked them if they would like some tea, to which they all replied yes except for Mergatroid, the picky one. She wanted to know if it had caffeine in it and any fruit or flowers because that made her try to throw up. Bodyless ghosts don’t actually throw up of course, not having bodies, but they can gag really well. Mabel found a tea that fit the bill, went to the stove and put on some water to boil.
They spent about an hour having a fun time talking while floating around the kitchen area. They explained about their flight, why they were going to Wolla Tompo, and what there was to do there. They left shortly thereafter, warm and refreshed. Mabel and Ethel mopped up all the ice tea that landed on the floor since they had no stomaches and went back to watching the TV show.
Ethel thought the decapitation part was very interesting.
The End
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Drawing and short, short story by Marty Coleman, who made it all up.
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Trivia question from yesterday:
What year did Televisions appear on retail shelves?
When I was a young boy, around 13 years old, I would sneak a look at my father’s Playboy Magazines. I was no different than any other boy when it came to what excited me. Then again I was different. The famous 60s supermodel, Veruschka, showed me that with these photos from Playboy that I first saw when I was perhaps 16.
Veruschka – Playboy Magazine, 1971
Seeing a naked woman in art and photography was not that big a deal to me, having grown up around the nude in artworks of all types in my grandparent’s and parent’s homes. But this was not a naked woman, this was a woman transformed into something other than herself while at the same time expressing an even greater sense of who she was. It was a revelation.
Veruschka as a Peacock
Veruschka in Pink
In that and other pictorials she also became men, Marilyn Monroe, unzipped herself and transformed from animal to vegetable among other things. No other woman transfixed my imagination as a youth like she did. All the rest came and went, but Veruschka stayed in my mind as a woman apart. Not a model only, not a muse only, but an artist.
Verushka as a Man
Veruschka the Redneck
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Veruschka started out as Vera Lehndorff but was unsuccessful as a model under that name and so reinvented herself as the mysterious Russian, Veruschka. She actually was born in Prussia (Poland) before WWII and was a very tall and gawky 6’1″ by the time she was 14 years old. She was teased and made fun of for her looks and skinny angularity. She stopped growing at 6’4″. She, along with Twiggy and Jean Shrimpton, were the first supermodels, dominating the covers and editorials of Vogue and every other fashion magazine of the 60s and early 70s.
Veruschka – Vogue Cover
Veruschka – Life Magazine Cover, 1967
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One of the most amazing things about Veruschka was that she did almost all the creative work on her fashion shoots. She did her own hair and makeup, as well as have creative control over the editorial scheme of the shoots in many cases. If you look close at her early fashion images you can see the roots of her later artwork.
Veruschka – Early body painting work
Notice the ‘Flower Power’ body painting work from the late 60s.
Veruschka in Brown
Veruschka in Green
Notice how she creates a visual image in which she completely blends in to her background. It’s a life long obsession to blend into the background that you will see reach its apex in her artwork.
Cheetah and Veruschka
Early on in her modeling career she worked to incorporate herself as animal into her shoots.
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Fast forward to the 1980s and I find a book by Vera Lehndorff called ‘Veruschka | Trans-Figurations’. It documents a 16 year collaborative art project between herself and the photographer Holgar Trulsch. During those 16 years Veruschka painting herself to match various surroundings, from oxidized metal in abandon factories to boulders to weathered wood to the sky itself. Finding the book was like finding a dear friend after many years and seeing the amazing things she had done with her life. It’s one of my most treasured books because it is that perfect combination of visual beauty, conceptual brilliance, individual creative drive and surprise that I love.
Here are some examples from that book.
Veruschka in the Forest
Veruschka Among Boulders
Veruschka and Electrical Box
Veruschka and Tree
Veruschka and Steel Pillar
Veruschka and Linen Closet
Veruschka and Window
Veruschka and Sky
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If you are thinking you’ve seen this sort of thing done many times before, you are right. Body painting has become a big thing over the past 2 decades in art and media culture around the world. You can see it among celebrities, in sports and in fine art. There are whole groups dedicated to it now with annual conferences and events. Take a look below to see some of the influence Veruschka has had.
Demi Moore
Sports Illustrated Body Paint book
Gotye video still – Somebody That I Used To Know – Emma Hack, artist
And finally here are some contemporary fine artists at work using the technique Veruschka developed.
Bookcase – Desiree Palmen
Bus Stop – Desiree Palmen
Qui Zhijie – tattoo 2
If you are interested in learning more about Veruschka or the evolution of the use of the body as a canvas start in google images and just type in Veruschka body painting and you will find plenty to investigate.
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To see more ‘Artists I Love’ use the drop down menu at the top of the page.
The New Year is resolution time and one of the most popular is to ‘get fit’. With that in mind I thought I would explore the idea of body image for a few days.
Who Owns You?
I saw a report about a murder trial yesterday where a woman is accused of stabbing and murdering her boyfriend. Her defense is that she was abused and it wasn’t murder but self-defense. One of the pieces of evidence is a photo of her in this t-shirt.
Jodi Arias
The defense submitted this t-shirt as evidence that the boyfriend, Travis Alexander, was possessive, going so far as to feel that Jodi was his property and making a shirt that stated such. Now, I don’t know anything about the trial, her guilt or innocence. I am simply using this as an example of how someone can abdicate ownership of themselves. Sometimes it is emotional or psychological, but it can also be physical. You can give up your rights to your own body (or have them taken away under force). A slave is what you become.
A Quandary
This is the quandary we humans find ourselves in. We both own our own body and we are slave to it, bowing to what it tells us to do. If we decide to sit on the couch all day every day, our body has no choice but to obey our command. It will not get up and take a walk unless we tell it to (sleepwalking excluded).
Owning Your Body
As a running coach I start each new season with some simple ideas for the participants. One of these ideas is that we really only have 2 things we run with. Our minds and our bodies. I ask them which controls which? The answer? The mind controls the body. We tell it to run and it runs. The body does what the mind tells it to do. Your body is slave to your mind.
Body Owning You
But that same body we can make bow to our mind’s wishes is also the body that can make our mind cease to exist. Our mind is dependent on our body. Without our body we can’t think, talk, listen, eat, laugh, cry, run, sleep, make love, etc. We cease to function. There are examples such as a concussion that takes our ability to think clearly away for a time or Alzheimers where our physical body slowly but surely causes our ability to think to diminish completely. And then we have the final example of death, where our brain function completely stops and all we could do and all we were conscious of via that brain ceases to exist.
The Bad Marriage
You have heard of marriages, you might even be in one, where you are constantly fighting with each other. You are not on each other’s side and the marriage is destructive. That is what we often do with the relationship between our minds and our bodies. We put our bodies through utter crap and then expect it to sustain us. We follow down paths of destructive thoughts and judgmental ideas about our bodies (and others) and then are surprised when our body and it’s shape becomes something we hate.
The Good Marriage
In the body/mind dichotomy analogy the marriage will always end in divorce. The body will indeed eventually die and our mind/consciousness/spirit/soul will either cease to exist or go on to another plane of existence without the body with which it started.
What we want is that while the marriage is intact for there to be a healthy, happy, and communicative relationship. Our mind listens to our body and takes it seriously and our body listens to our mind and does what is asked of it. It is no different than a real marriage, it takes patience, compromise, communications, love and attention for it to work.
Welcome back Napkin Kin to part 2 of my portraits of 2012. Yesterday I covered the Second half of 2012, July-December. Today I am showing the first half with a bit of overlap, January to July.
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Niece, San Diego, CA, 7/12Niece Jumping at Sunset, Del Mar, CA, 7/12
My drive down from Northern California in July ended with me at my sister’s house in San Diego. I took advantage of the opportunity to do a photo shoot of my young niece. She was quite the natural and loved posing in the backyard and on the beach where I grew up. My sister Jackie of course did a little stage mom thing, hovering, directing, etc. But my niece was a natural and didn’t need much help. She looks a lot like our late mother and that was an extra blessing of being able to photograph her.
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Julia Wade, New York City, NY, 6/12
I went to New York City in June to speak and attend Blog World. I met up with a dear friend whom I worked with back in the 80s and 90s at Eulipia Restaurant in San Jose, CA. Then Julia was a struggling student focusing on opera. I did a number of drawings of her back then in various opera costumes for a huge drawing (I never finished). Now she is now a very well known international recording artist of inspirational/spiritual music. We found some time to walk and talk early one morning before our days started. This was taken at a park right on the edge of the Hudson River. She has a blog called ‘Inspiratus‘. Check out the interview she did with me back in 2009 and then click on home to see her latest entries about her new CD.
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Meredith Wood in Blue, Jacob Javits Convention Center, New York City, 6/12
While I was at the Blog World conference I, of course, needed to eat. Not knowing any good places around the convention center I did what any good social media person would do, I tweeted ‘who wants to go to dinner?’ using the Blog World hashtag. I got a number of responses and ended up going to dinner with Meredith and 2 others. Meredith is from NYC and knew exactly where to go for the best meal, which it was.
Her eyes are almost as brilliant blue as my wife Linda’s and when we returned to the conference I realized her and her eyes would stand out fantastic against the blue that was everywhere in the brightly lit lobby. The next day we found an extra 10 minutes to take some quick shots. I was up on a bench to make sure I got the best blue background.
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Michelle Linn, Philbrook Museum of Art, Tulsa, OK 6/12Michelle Relaxing, Philbrook Museum of Art, Tulsa, OK 6/12
I have been doing a photo-collage series for a number of years now called IN Public/Private. It is of reporters and anchors in the Tulsa area. When my napkins started getting attention and reporters came over to interview me I basically told them, ‘You can interview me if I can take pictures of you’ and that is how it started. In many cases I offered to take some ‘normal’ photos (my version of normal at least) in exchange for them posing for my collage image idea. I also asked them to publicize my project to their co-workers to see if they also might be interested in collaborating.
Michelle was very excited about the idea and we met for the very first time at Philbrook to take the photos. Here are a few of the portraits I took of her. She was an enthusiastic delight and has since become a wonderful friend.
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Renaissance Faire Kiss, Muskogee, OK, 5/12Renaissance Faire Gossip, Muskogee, OK, 5/12
In May I led a group of photographers at an outing to the Renaissance Faire. The theme of the shoot was ‘stranger portraits’ and I spent some time before hand explaining to the group how to go about asking strangers to pose for you. Of course, at a venue like the Renaissance Faire, it really isn’t all that necessary to ask since all the participants already know they are going to be photographed and most of the visitors are dressed up and want to be as well. But it is good to know anyway because you often might have to ask them to move from where they are standing or sitting to get a good shot. Here are 2 double portraits I took while I was there.
My step-daughter Caitlin (whose portraits can be seen in part 1 yesterday) was an Apparel Design major at Baylor University. She had her senior collection show in April of 2012 and I was lucky enough to do the photo shoot for the collection. We found one of the most beautiful cemeteries I have ever seen to do the shoot, less than a mile from Caitlin’s house. Here are two of the photos from the shoot.
We also were incredibly lucky to have our first choice of model to bail on us. It freaked Caitlin out a bit of course but the result was we got Rebekah Campbell as our model instead. She had never done a real fashion shoot before and Caitlin was a bit worried about that. Luckily we had nothing to worry about. She was fantastic in her poses, facial expressions, taking directions and overall professional demeanor.
In addition it turns out she is an fine art major focusing on painting so we had an instant connection creatively. I am encouraging her to pursue both modeling and painting as best she can, I have no doubt she will be successful in both.
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Portrait in Black and White, Philbrook Museum of Art, Tulsa, OK, 2/12Woman in a Museum, Philbrook Museum of Art, Tulsa, OK 2/12
In February I took that same photo group I mentioned above to Philbrook Museum of Art. This time the focus was on Black and White. We weren’t only going to have the finished result in BW but actually set the camera to BW so they could see what they were getting from the outset.
One of the photographers had his wife along with him but she was not doing any photography. I persuaded her, in spite of her initial shyness, that she would be a fantastic model for those of us who wanted a person in our images. She eventually got into it and it made for some great images as a result.
One of my resolutions is to mix it up a bit on The Napkin Dad Daily in 2013 and one way to do that is to add in more of my other work for you to see.
Here are some of my photographic portraits from 2012. Starting with the latest and going back to July. Let me know what you think of them, ok?
The Morrison Family, Philbrook Museum of Art, Tulsa, OK, 12/12
Lauren Morrison, Philbrook Museum of Art, Tulsa, OK, 12/12
Kathi Morrison and I met online. She lives in Florida but she used to live in Tulsa and we met because she saw a photo of Philbrook Museum of Art that I had taken. She particularly liked my Velveteen Women exhibition images and we made plans that if I ever made it to Florida, where she lives, we would do a photo shoot together for use in a similar type of photo collage image. I haven’t made it to Florida yet (I am open to a patron/sponsor who wants to pay my way, hint hint), but she made it up to Tulsa to visit with her family. We made arrangements to get together at her favorite place, Philbrook, and do a quick family portrait shoot.
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Courtney in Profile, Tulsa, OK, 11/12
Courtney in the Fall, Tulsa, OK, 11/12
Courtney and I are running buddies. We help coach a 10k intermediate running group here in Tulsa. She is about the same age as my four daughters and we have a similar type relationship. That means I tell what she should do and she rolls her eyes at me. After this past fall running season I did a photo shoot with her that went from inside to outside at sunset among fall foliage. I absolutely love her profile so was really happy to capture it in such beautiful light. It took a little coaxing but once she got into it we had a great time capturing the fall feel in the outdoor portraits.
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Caitlin in the Fall, Dallas Arboretum, Dallas, TX, 10/12
Caitlin in Orange, Dallas Arboretum, Dallas, TX, 10/12
This is my step-daughter, Caitlin. I first met her when she was 13 and I started dating her mother, my now wife, Linda. When she was 15 we did a secret photo shoot so we could make a gift of photos for her mother for Christmas, which she loved. Seven years later we did it again. I went down to Dallas to visit her for a fall weekend. Caitlin loves the fall and pumpkins so when we found out that the Dallas Arboretum had a huge pumpkin display going on we made that our photo destination. These are two of the images from that shoot. We gave the photos to Linda for Christmas this year and she was very happy.
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Anna Kazmi as a Vampire, Oaklawn Cemetery, Tulsa, OK, 10/12
Meera Kazmi as Morticia, Oaklawn Cemetery, Tulsa, OK, 10/12
The Kazmi sisters are famous models in Oklahoma specializing in vintage clothing, accessories and photo shoots. They started wearing vintage clothing, in particular 1940s vintage, as young teenagers. They have an extensive collection of clothing now and are asked to participate in modeling gigs, exhibitions, fashion shows and the like all the time. Their mother, Karen, always accompanies them and the family is a complete delight to know and work with. I asked them to attend our Tulsa Digital Photography Group’s annual Halloween Cemetery shoot and the happily obliged. I stylized these images quite a bit to fit the theme, with Anna making a great vampire and Meera playing a perfect Morticia.
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In July I traveled to California to attend my ex-father-in-law, Dwight Johnson’s memorial service. Since I was driving down from Northern California after the service to visit my father in Southern California I took the opportunity to contact a number of old and new friends in California to see if I could rustle up some photo shoots to allay the cost of the unexpected expense of the trip.
Amy at the Water’s Edge, Morgan Hill, CA, 7/12
Amy with her Feet in the Water, Morgan Hill, CA, 7/12
I first met Amy when I was a High School leader in a church we attended in San Jose, CA back in the 80s and 90s. She was my favorite high schooler in the group, with a fierce intelligence and a very creative streak. We kept in touch all these years and she was on the route to Southern California so I stopped by for a quick shoot. We took off for a small lake she knew of and did some images in the dappled sunlight.
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Kathy in Natural Light, Berkeley Hills, CA, 7/12
Kathy and I waited tables together 30+ years ago at Eulipia Restaurant in San Jose, CA. I had reconnected with her through Facebook and when I let her know I was coming to California she just happened to need some new business and business casual photos. We did a quick shoot at her Berkeley Hills home near where I was staying. The light was fantastic with the entire Bay Area reflecting in her incredible blue eyes.
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Susan with Dog in the Window, Malibu Pier, Malibu, CA 7/12
Susan Looking Up, Malibu Pier, Malibu, CA, 7/12
Unlike the other two I photographed on the trip, Susan and I had only met once before. We met at Blog World New York in June of 2012 at a closing party. We hit it off and later when I was planning my trip she liked the idea of getting some new, more natural portraits done of her. We met at the Malibu Inn and spent several hours there, on the beach and on the pier taking photos. She has a TV and acting background so she was delight to work with.
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That’s a fair amount for now, covering the second half of 2012. I will post first half of my 2012 portraits in the next few weeks. In the meanwhile, if you would like some photos done, you know who to contact! You can see a larger more extensive selection of my portraits and other work I do by going to my other website, http://www.martycoleman.com
It’s with charity in my heart that I tell you it’s day #5 of Resolution Week!
Rant
You know what gets my goat? Did you even know I had a goat? I don’t so never mind. You know what bugs me? When people rant and rail against the big bad welfare recipient who buys malt liquor and cigarettes with food stamps and drives a BMW and goes on vacations to Disney World. It’s not really a specific violator but a generic description meant to enrage people that somehow they personally are getting ripped off because someone who doesn’t deserve something is getting it. In other words, they are pissed off that life is unfair. They have problems and are dealing with them, but in the meanwhile these low-lifes are living high on the hog and not facing their issues and it just pisses people off.
Heart
Part of me understands but a larger part of me sees it as a heart closing up tight. It is the heart finding reasons to not love, to not give, to not have empathy or sympathy or understanding. Because in truth, the overwhelming vast majority of people who are on welfare, food stamps, some sort of government assistance are not in that fraudulent category. But that doesn’t matter to the hardened heart. They just think everyone should be able to do what they have done, make it as they have made it, behaved as they have behaved. And that, along with them telling the fraud story to themselves again and again, give them the excuse to not care. They don’t care because they have rationalized that those people don’t deserve care.
Who Do You Know?
They wouldn’t be able to rationalize like that if they actually knew those people in need, but they don’t. They might know a neighbor who is having a tough time and say, ‘ok, but that is a different story’. They might be told by their pastor about a family at church that had a bad thing happen and they say, ‘ok, but that is a different story’. And they are right, it is a different story. It’s a real story. But each and every person has a real story, even if they appear to meet some cliche.
Charitable vs Irritable
The question is, Where is your heart?Is your heart charitable or is it irritable? You’ll be much happier, and so will those around you, if it’s charity you feel. And that charitable heart will not allow people to do bad things any more than an irritable heart. It will just allow you to approach each person with love instead of judgment.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman
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Answer to yesterday’s trivia question:
Question: Who was the richest man to die on the Titanic and why was he on it?
Answer: John Jacob Astor. He was on the ship because he had married an 18 year old girl after divorcing his wife, a scandal of immense proportions in the US at the time. They had gone to Europe to escape the publicity and let the firestorm calm down. They returned when they learned his new wife was pregnant. She survived, he died. She gave birth to John Astor IV a few months later.
I am humbled to announce today is the last day of 2012 AND day #4 of Resolution Week!
The Naked and the Clothed
We like to clothe ourselves in many things. We have our careers, families, money, homes, cars, friends, culture, fitness, style, science, beauty, youth, and, of course, actual clothing. These things can give us the illusion that we are in control of our lives and in truth, since our lives do consist, in part, of those things, we are indeed controlling our lives. But it’s also very easy to use those same things to hide an even larger truth about our lives, and that is that we are not in complete control. Underneath all those things we can control are many more things we can’t.
The Known Maybe and the Unknown Certainty
My father, Skeets Coleman, is 94 now. And we all know his death is coming because he is old. That is known. But in spite of his advanced age he is still in relatively good health and we actually don’t know when or how he will die. And we also don’t know if one of his children or grandchildren will die before he does. It isn’t likely that will happen and we would not want it to be so but the truth is we do not know. What do we know for certain? We will die. But even that immutable truth is an unknown to us until the moment (or shortly before the moment) arrives.
What is in Front of Us?
Do you know what your life is going to be like? Do you have it planned out? That is good, nothing wrong with planning. It is ok to feel good about your life and who you are. Being humble isn’t about purposely dissing yourself to appear humble. It’s about understanding reality. It is about remembering that all the ‘master of the universe’ desires we may have and may act on will not completely reduce the unknowns. It is good to be humble as we acknowledge that the universe, god, karma, science or whatever combination of things is at work, is beyond our control.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
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Trivia of the Day (answer tomorrow)
The richest man on the Titanic died. Who was he and why was he on the boat?
I have diligently prepared for you day #3 of Resolution Week at the NDD. Enjoy.
Creating Self
A friend of mine here in Tulsa, Erin Patrick, has a favorite saying, ‘You don’t find yourself, you create yourself’. There is a great truth in that. Finding yourself indicates you existed before, like finding a coin on the side of the road or a lost puppy. It existed and then you found it. But the quote says that isn’t true about people. We don’t exist off somewhere in the future waiting to be found, we don’t exist at all until we decide who we want to be. We might decide unconsciously, as a matter of fact a lot of evidence in the past decade points to a huge portion of our lives being decided by unconscious elements in our history and present day.
Conscious and Deliberate
But there is still plenty we consciously decide and create. We decide to exercise or not. We decide to pursue needlepoint or painting or both. We decide to go to college or graduate school or not. We decide to wear something sexy or something dowdy. Those are all things we can, in large part, control. The main deciding factor in whether we get good at one of those things, or finish a course of action, is our diligence, our perseverance. Do we keep at it until we are a master of it or do we become a light weight diletante? Do we keep going until we have graduated or do we quit? Do we make excuses for not sticking with something?
The Life Self-Portrait
What you do, whether deliberate or unconscious, contributes to who you are to become. Being deliberate about it allows for choices and more opportunities. But what about becoming expert in things they don’t teach in school? What about being deliberate about being a lover? Can you be deliberate about practicing love? Yes, of course you can. And will become a great lover as a result? Yes you will. Practice love in it’s practical forms; being thoughtful, sensitive, kind, joyful, grateful, empathetic, patient and honest, and you will become a loving person. It’s not magic and it’s not a secret. You simply create yourself by practicing who you want to be.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman, who is a lover, not a fighter.
Be patient, it’s only day #2 of ‘Resolution’ week!
Just Missed!
You know what is so annoying? When you are just about to tell your spouse something they do really bugs you but they tell you something you do bugs them first and then you can’t tell them what bugs you because it will sound like you are deflecting and distracting and not willing to listen to what they are saying so you have to listen to them tell you this thing that bugs them and the whole time you are barely paying any attention and just itching to tell them what bugs you!
Too Much Time Together
My wife and I had our annual ‘we are spending way to much time together and starting to annoy each other’ holiday conversation last night. It actually went well and we had a good talk, no fighting, no argument, no big disagreement (except about the nutritional value of the ‘beige’ meals we have too often). But what we did do is talk about our daughters. I have 3, she has 1, all grown up now. What we see now that they are older is the ongoing importance of having patience with them growing up, learning how to be an adult.
Young Patience
Of course when they are young we know to have patience with them learning how to do something, like build something with blocks. We know that after we do the initial teaching the best thing we can do is to stand back and let them learn on their own. We can’t help them too much or else they really won’t learn as thoroughly as they need to. Most parent know that’s how it works.
Forever Patience
But when they grow up it’s even more important to be patient but much harder to do so. We want to spare them real pain and suffering and that translates into sparing them not real pain, but just the typical hands-on life action they need to become fully functioning adults. It might be them having to get the oil changed in their car or it might be them having to navigate the dating or job world. It might be them having to learn how to travel internationally or maybe it’s them figuring out how to rent an apartment. It’s not that we don’t help with any of it, but we can’t do it for them completely. If we do we are denying them the essential building blocks of adulthood, and that is doing them no favors at all.
Are you patient, either with yourself or others? Could you be better at it? What do you have to do…I mean practically, really, step-by-step do…to make patience a more balanced part of your life?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who is pretty patient but not pretty.
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Answer to yesterday’s question of the day
Question: What do you think is the most often stated New Year’s resolution?
Answer: Spend more time with family and friends. I am not sure people say this that much right after Christmas though, do you? #2 is the one I thought would be #1. It’s to get fit.
