by Marty Coleman | Nov 5, 2012 | The Illustrated Colonoscopy - 2012 |
And finally I win something – even if I made it up myself!
I Was NOT Loopy
So I went through the colonoscopy procedure last week. I remember the anesthesiologist asking me what I did for a living and me saying I was the Napkin Dad, then I blanked out. I woke up and the nurse and Linda were there. I got my clothes on a few minutes later and was out the door. When I got in the car Linda said I had been pretty loopy after the procedure. I didn’t think I had been.
Oh, Yes You Were!
Later, we went to lunch and she started telling me about the Dr. coming in and saying how I had no polyps, nothing wrong at all. That I looked great and should keep eating what I am eating, etc. I stopped her and said, “When did we talk to the Dr?” She started to laugh and said, “He was in the recovery room, he was there for about 5-10 minutes telling us all sorts of things. You were Mr. Chatty, asking him the same questions again and again about all sorts of things, in particular you wanted to know exactly what diverticulitis was. He explained it to you and then you would ask another question about it. Then you went on and on about being a runner and about how you were going to run on Sunday with Lora and other people. Then you explained it again about how you were going to run with Lora. You were quite loopy.” I had NO recollection of that AT ALL. Very odd. Makes me wonder what else I said!
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Drawing by Marty Coleman, who has to get another one in 7 years.
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Fact of the day
Diverticulitis happens when pouches form in the wall of the colon. If these pouches get inflamed or infected, it is called diverticulitis.
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by Marty Coleman | Nov 2, 2012 | The Illustrated Colonoscopy - 2012 |
This is in the public interest.
Unconscious Self-Portrait
Here I am getting my colonoscopy today. It was uneventful, mostly because I was knocked out. The last thing I remember was the anesthesiologist asking me what I did for a living. I told her I was the Napkin Dad. She said, ‘Oh, I know who you are’ and boom, I was out. Afterwards they said I had a very nice colon and had nothing to worry about. That’s good news. Linda says I was a bit loopy afterwards but she always thinks I am so that isn’t that strange.
The rest of the day I supposedly was going to be taking a nap, knocked out by the drugs, but nope, I have been working away on various things ever since I got home. I have a feeling I will go to bed early though.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman, who also was knocked out in 1973 when I had skin taken off my butt for skin grafts after me being burned. This time was easier.
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Fact of the day
I was knocked out with drug that killed Michael Jackson, scary!
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by Marty Coleman | Nov 1, 2012 | The Illustrated Colonoscopy - 2012 |
I am flush with excitement over my first colonoscopy tomorrow!
The Long & Winding Road
Yes, I am getting a colonoscopy tomorrow. It isn’t due to any issues, just part of my annual physical. My last annual physical was 7 or so years ago and I didn’t have a colonoscopy that time around. My wife has been insisting I do this for many many years and finally it is being done.
Polyp Want a Cracker?
The fun part of this is today, or so I have heard. Today I get to be on a liquid diet all day (but that includes jello so all is right with the world). In the afternoon I take a magic elixir of frog brains and newt tongue and it will miraculously make my escape tunnel be all clear. Tomorrow the guy in the white coat and some other people in other colored clothing will search the same tunnel to see if there is anything for them, or me, to worry about. This is most likely going to consist of either nothing or little protuberances called polyps. This polyps are sort of like the weird fish in the aquarium that stay in the sand at the bottom and poke their heads out just a little bit to get little teeny weenie things to eat. If they find some of these pokey outey things they will snip them off with an official mini-snipper.
The Big Soft Hammer
The bad news would be if they found something bigger, like a tumor. Then they would tell me I need to get it taken out with something bigger than the official mini-snipper. That would suck so let’s hope that doesn’t happen. I won’t know what they found until later because I will be knocked out by the knocker outer person. They use a big, but soft, hammer to do it I have been told.
Loopy Is as Loopy Does
They said I will be loopy and will need someone to drive me home. My wife, Linda, will do that and laugh at me all the way home because I will say things like, ‘so, I think a horse would make a good tattoo for me on my face’ or ‘should we stop at the red cross and donate some pencils? Then I get to go home and do nothing in my loopy state except watch TV. I am only suppose to watch loopy shows though, so it will all make sense and I won’t freak out. Above you can see an accurate rendition of what I am expecting to look like this afternoon. Fun.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who was last knocked out for a medical procedure in 1975 when I got me wisdom teeth taken out.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 31, 2012 | Bodyless Ghirl Ghosts - 2012-2013, Halloween |
The freckled ghosts with no bodies huddled together when they started to trick or treat in the cold. Penelope had her best lipstick on but no one answered the door at the beach house.
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Drawing and story by Marty Coleman
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Trivia of the Day
There is no scientific name for the fear of candy.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 29, 2012 | Bodyless Ghirl Ghosts - 2012-2013 |
A Short Short Story
The bodyless ghosts crowded up against the sliding glass door, scared by the cawing birds and wanting to come in to watch the game.
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Drawing and short, short story by Marty Coleman
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Fact of the day
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! That song is on my iPod run mix.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 26, 2012 | Art, How To Draw A Napkin - 2012 |
Finally Step 10!
Step 10a-10d: See 1a-1d
Step 10e: Get divorced after 20 years of marriage.
Step 10f: Start dating woman from church who is also getting divorced.
Step 10g: Stop dating woman from church and introduce her to guy in Sunday School.
Step 10h: Have woman from church say she can’t ever talk to me again because her new boyfriend I introduced her to is jealous.
Step 10i: Go internet dating.
Step 10j: Have some wonderful girlfriends who aren’t quite the right fit.
Step 10k: Meet woman on match.com, think she is cool and date her for 2 years, with a break up in there somewhere.
Step 10l: Meet woman from match.com’s daughter and think she is cool.
Step 10m: Ask woman from match.com to marry me.
Step: 10n: Get married to woman from match.com
Step 10o: Find out woman from match.com’s name is Linda.
Step 10p: Live happily ever after.
This is a great place to stop for a while. I will pick it back up later, maybe doing it once a week or so.
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Concept, drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who thought internet dating was fun.
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Fact of the day
Approximately 1/3 of marriages in the US are step-family involved remarriages for one or both partners.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 25, 2012 | Art, How To Draw A Napkin - 2012 |
It sounds worse than it was, but it was bad.
Steps 9a-9d: Repeat 1a-1d
Step 9e: Watch as wife drifts away from relationship.
Step 9f: Watch as company where I have dream job goes bankrupt.
Step 9g: Become unemployed.
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Concept, drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who didn’t actually almost drown himself in a big reusable jelly jar glass.
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Fact of the day
The average American spends 4 years at a job. In Portugal the average is 12.5 years.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 24, 2012 | Art, How To Draw A Napkin - 2012 |
Take a road trip with me across the country!
Steps 8a-8d: See 1a-1d
Step 8e: Give up looking for a college teaching job after 8 unsuccessful years.
Step 8f: Retrain yourself in computer graphics, using your family’s and friend’s computers during the day while they are at work.
Step 8g: Land a dream job in Tulsa, Oklahoma after you promise the company you will use your own computer as your work computer.
Step 8h: Drive sight unseen 1,692 miles across the country with your wife and kids to start a new life.
Step 8i: Start at entry level pay that is less than you made working four part-time jobs back in California.
Step 8j: Work hard and get promoted until 18 months later you are the Art Director and Producer at an educational software company.
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Concept, Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who doesn’t actually have a cowboy hat but wants one.
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Fact of the Day
Oklahoma originally was going to be 2 states but the Republican controlled congress did not want 4 Democratic senators added to their ranks. They made the two potential states into one so that only 2 would be appointed. Oklahoma was admitted to the union in 1907.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 23, 2012 | Art, How To Draw A Napkin - 2012 |
Yes, I am trying to draw you in.
Steps 7a-7d: see 1a-1d
Step 7e: Get a part time job teaching drawing at a community college.
Step 7f: Get another part time job doing the same thing at a different community college.
Step 7g: Get a third job doing the same thing at yet another community college.
Step 7h: Keep your job working in a restaurant, creating art and raising your family.
Step 7i: Apply for full-time teaching jobs at colleges and universities all around the country.
Step 7j: Repeat steps 7e-7i for 9 years.
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Concept, drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
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Trivia of the day
The teaching job I applied for that had the most applications was at the University of Virginia. There were 0ver 600 applications for one Assistant Professor position.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 22, 2012 | Art, How To Draw A Napkin - 2012 |
It’s a new week and we are graduating to step six!
Step 6a-6d: See steps 1a-1d.
Step 6e: Move 515 miles to first college out of high school. Miss first semester because of being blown up.
Step 6f: Move 919 miles to second college because first college closes down. Lose girlfriend.
Step 6g: Move 3,072 miles to third college because you can’t afford the second college. Get Religion.
Step 6h: Graduate from 3rd college. Get married, have kids.
Step 6i: Move 2,399 miles to go to graduate school. Have car crash that should have been an omen.
Step 6j: Move 2,431 miles to second graduate school because you get kicked out of first graduate school for being a crappy artist.
Step 6k: Graduate from Graduate school. Start looking for jobs.
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Concept, drawings and commentary by Marty Coleman, who wasn’t really as crappy an artist as the professor said, but was still pretty bad.
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Fact of the day
There are over 2,700 colleges and universities in the US as of 2009. My immediate family has gone to 12 of them and graduated from 5 (so far).
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