by Marty Coleman | Jun 9, 2014 | Frans Hiddema, The Extrovert & Introvert - 2014 |
I am not too shy to say today is day #1 of ‘The Extrovert and Introvert’
DIY Prison
I have had many friends over the years who have felt locked up. They feel paralyzed in life. They can’t move emotionally, socially, career-wise, or physically. They are imprisoned. Sometimes that imprisonment is imposed from the outside. It might be a societal thing, or a marriage, bodily illness/injury or family expectations. But often I find that the prison is made by the prisoner. The family judgment is minimal. Society is actually paying very little attention. The spouse is actually supportive and encouraging. They are healthy. The prison is not built by others. It’s built by themselves.
Best of Intentions
And the prison is custom built for only one prisoner, by someone who knows the prisoner best. And even at one point, had the prisoner’s best interests at heart. After all, when we are growing up, don’t we need defenses? Don’t we learn how to protect ourselves from danger? The bullying classmate, the judging mother, the condemning father, the harsh friend, the manipulative pastor, the scolding teacher. Haven’t we all had someone like that in our lives? We figured out ways to protect ourselves. We built a fortress to keep those people out. And it worked. We were protected, if we were lucky.
Bed and Breakfast
But we didn’t realize that a fortress is also a prison. As we grew older the need for the fortress lessened, but the fortress was still there. Fortresses don’t come down by themselves, do they? They have to be knocked down and destroyed, right? Or perhaps they don’t have to be. Perhaps they can be simply opened up to public viewing, like an ancient castle in Europe that is now a Bed and Breakfast.
Invitation to Your Brain
I once took part in an open studio tour. I had rented a large garage space as my studio in my next door neighbor’s lot behind my house in San Jose, California. I put up many pieces of art; drawings, photos, paintings, etc. for everyone to see. At one point I noticed a good friend of mine sitting quietly on the coach in the middle of the room, just staring at the work. I came over, sat down and asked him what he was thinking. He chuckled and said, “I was just saying to myself that sitting here looking at your art makes me feel like I am wandering around inside your brain.” That was a pretty cool compliment. Well, at least it was after he explained that what he found in my brain didn’t freak him out too much.
More Than One Tool
Maybe that is the key. Don’t expect to completely destroy fortresses you have built up for decades. Maybe have more than one tool. Have a wrecking ball to knock some parts down and a welcome mat to allow access to other parts.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Frans Hiddema, 1923-1997, Dutch Poet and Psychoanalyst.
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 6, 2014 | Illustrated Short Stories |
Prologue
They had their conversation in the shade.
Chapter One
She was talking about her pain. She told of her silly assumption that her best friend would overlook a very minor annoyance given the circumstances and how it hurt to realize no benefit of the doubt was given.
Chapter Two
Her best friend sat back, her heeled sandal dangling from her big toe, saying nothing for a long time. When she spoke, she defended herself and said she had been under pressure too. That it wasn’t her responsibility to know everything.
Chapter Three
She picked up her purse and held it in front of her chest as she explained that it wasn’t just her, but all the girls in the bridal party, who had messed up. “Why did I deserve to be treated so badly?”, she asked.
Chapter Four
Her best friend kept pulling her dress up under the table to scratch in the same locale high on her thigh. It was turning red. She would then pull the dress down again and smooth it out.
Chapter Five
She kept pressing her open hand hard against her chest, gesturing with the other, sometimes turning it into a fist and pressing it also against her chest. She was crying but determined to be discreet.
Chapter Six
Her best friend crumpled and uncrumpled a napkin, sucked on her iced drink and avoided eye contact for most of the conversation. She sighed repeatedly. She sat up straight at one point and her back had a deep lined impression from the back of the chair. She slouched back down within 20 seconds.
Chapter Seven
She kept her purse in front of her, leaning forward, wanting to leave. She wanted her best friend to understand before she left. But she was getting frustrated and realized it wasn’t going to happen. She finally said, “Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Thanks for coming. I will see you around.” and stood up to leave.
Chapter Eight
Her best friend didn’t get up but did say, “Ok, I will see you. Sorry.” and sucked on her drink as she walked away.
Epilogue
The best friend left a few minutes later and two women immediately grabbed the table. One had a string of pearls around her tan neck, the other had on large diamond earrings and a bag from Saks.
The End
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Drawing and Story by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 3, 2014 | I Draw in Church, Sketchbook History Tour |
As some of you know, I draw in church. I have oodles of sketchbooks full of drawings. Sometimes I start with real person, other times I make something up out of my head.
We usually sit about 3-6 rows back on the right side of the sanctuary and I have a pretty good view of the pianist playing in the orchestra or accompanying the choir.
She’s become my go-to model and I suppose I have drawn her at least 100 times over the years.
Years ago I showed her the drawings in a prior sketchbook. I thought she enjoyed them and was flattered.
My wife thought she was probably creeped out. It was probably something in between.
I just finished a sketchbook that took close to 2 years to fill. Since she is a recurring theme I thought I would show you those drawings.
I drew her from the balcony a few times. Linda was in the choir so I moved around the sanctuary, sitting wherever I wanted just for fun.
People who sit still for long periods of time in the same position are good models.
She is a wonderful starting point for my imagination, a muse. I thank her for that.
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Drawings by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 1, 2014 | Margaret Atwood, Violence Against Women - 2014 |
It’s #3 of my Violence Against Women series, sparked by the murders in Isla Vista and UCSB, my Alma Mater. Addition events in India with the rape and lynching of two teenage girls only increases my desire to keep this issue on the front burner.
Size Matters
No, I don’t mean THAT size. I mean the size of the anger, the size of the ego, the size of the insecurity (which of course could possibly be linked to THAT size, who knows). In most cases men feel a little embarrassed and maybe a little humiliated by a woman laughing at them. It might sting a little, and it might make them a little angry. But most men are not all men. And all it takes is one man whose anger is BIG and whose predilection to violence is BIG to create a violent situation.
Not All Men
Too often men will listen to a woman talk about an incidence of sexual violence and their response is will be, “Well, not all men are like that.” But what they don’t realize is that for a woman, they may know most men aren’t like that, but they have very little way of knowing which man is which. I heard a great analogy the other day to help a man understand what a woman is dealing with.
Yes, All Women
Imagine you are given a bowl of M & Ms and are told that you shouldn’t worry too much because they are mostly safe, but there are about 10% that are poisonous. Would you be inclined to grab a handful? I doubt it. Well, that is how many women, especially those who have had run-ins with poisonous men already in their lives, feel about men in general. It’s hard to know who is who in advance. And yes, all women have to deal with it.
The quote above is true: Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.
Hidden Men
The other thing us men who aren’t poisonous don’t realize is that we don’t see the poisonous men doing their damage, their seductions, their manipulations, their intimidations because they don’t do it around us. They do it when we aren’t around. What does that mean? It means we don’t default to saying, “Nah, that didn’t really happen.” or “eh, I am sure he didn’t mean anything by it.” It means we have to default to believing a woman when she tells us that it has happened. It means if a woman says WE are doing it, even if we don’t think we are, we stop and believe them. We don’t believe them because we are guilty of something (even though we might be). We believe them because the effect of what we said or did gave them that feeling. That is enough.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Margaret Atwood, 1939 – not dead yet, Canadian author
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by Marty Coleman | May 28, 2014 | Anonymous, Violence Against Women - 2014 |
This is part 2 of my series on Violence Against Women. It was sparked by the violent events at my Alma Mater, UC Santa Barbara, last week.
Pleasing
To my female friends and readers: do you try to please your husband or boyfriend on a regular basis? Are you able to? If you are and they appreciate it, great. I hope they are trying to please you in equal measure.
But what about when you can’t please them? What happens when nothing you do is good enough? What do you do when the man says you aren’t thin enough, pretty enough or a good enough homemaker, child raiser or money maker? Then what? What do you do when you aren’t good enough in bed, aren’t wild enough in public, aren’t sexy enough in your attitude? Then what? Are you hit? Abused? denigrated? assaulted? What do you do to stop it?
Avoiding
If you are like most women I have talked to who are in that situation, you will try everything to make them not be angry, not be violent, not be dissatisfied. And if they are never satisfied have you stopped trying to please? I imagine that is very scary because he has power. power to hurt, power to seek revenge, power to make your life even more miserable.
Divorce
People often cite divorce statistics saying 50% of marriage end in divorce. They use it as a way to condemn modern society. But I think there is another reason. A good reason. And it’s because women have started saying ‘No More’. I know it’s not the whole reason, but I do know it is a BIG reason. More and more women are no longer willing to be the punching bag, verbally or physically. They no longer have to just suffer through it, they can get out and they do. I think that is a good thing.
Here and Now
If you think I am just talking about this as an abstraction, I am not. I have a friend in the here and now who is seriously contemplating divorce for precisely this reason. Her husband will not support her efforts to be fit, to be strong, to have friends, to be even minimally independent. Does she want to have an affair and blow the family fortune? No, she just wants a life, that’s all. She is more than happy to tell him all about it, to introduce him to her various friends and activities. But he not only doesn’t support her, but actively tries to stop her. He denigrates her and threatens her with divorce again and again. He isn’t stabbing her with a real knife, but he is stabbing her with his words.
What Men Can Do
It’s not easy for me to always understand what women go through since I don’t live it directly. But the truth is many women deal with this all the time in one way or another.
What I try to do now that I didn’t do before is to listen and believe them. They aren’t lying to us and they aren’t making it up. They are facing it and would like to at least be respected enough to be heard and believed. It won’t harm us to listen and react with the love and respect we would want for ourselves.
You can see the entire series so far here.
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Anonymous
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