by Marty Coleman | Oct 18, 2013 | Bob Edwards, Marriage - 2012/13 |
I judge today to be a good day to finish up our Marriage series!
Trust Judgment
Do you trust a person’s opinion of their spouse? Most likely they know the person the best, right? As a result, wouldn’t they have the most accurate judgment? It seems logical except it comes up against another idea, as told in a quote we all have heard, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt.’ The problem isn’t that we know our spouse so well. It’s that we know our spouse TOO well. So well that our opinion is skewed. It might be skewed toward contempt and denigration like I show in my drawing or toward adulation and adoration.
Judgment for What?
As I was drawing this I came up with a quote, ‘If there is no reason behind your judgment, then don’t judge.’ I was thinking about how a spouse’s judgment has a different reason and purpose than most others. She might be judging based on his emotional attentiveness, finding him lacking or fantastic. But your judgment might need to be made based on his technical skills at work. He might judge his wife based on her organizational skills around the house but you might need to judge her on her social ability at the volunteer organization you both help out at.
What is the reason for your judgment? Very likely it’s different than the spouse’s reasons. Either way, to latch on to someone else’s judgment of someone is a dangerous thing, spouse or not. Making your own judgment, based on your criteria and reasoning, is essential to being an adult in the world.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Bob Edwards, 1860-1922, Canadian Humorist
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 17, 2013 | Marriage - 2012/13, Stephen Leacock |
I love that today is day #9 of our Marriage series.
The Part
Have you ever been fixated on one particular aspect of a person? Maybe you are in love with their hair, or voice, or smile, or maybe their dimples. As an artist and photographer I am constantly finding things I absolutely love about a person’s visual self. Granted my visual taste can be a bit eccentric. I am a huge fan of great eyebrows for example. If I see great eyebrows I will make sure to compliment the person they are attached to. I love fingernail and toenail polish done really well. I love freckles. And tattoos. And scars. And makeup that most people think is too much.
I also find myself attracted to the internal parts as well. To funny. And bawdy. And educated. And creative. And honest. And more.
The Whole
When I was younger I was like the guy above. I would translate my admiration for the person’s part, internal or external, into an admiration of the whole person. And that was a good thing in one way. I should embrace and see the whole person. They aren’t just one part. But it was bad in another way. My attraction to the one part made me oblivious to whether I liked or was compatible with the whole person. I had a bit of tunnel vision, in other words.
Maturity
That was ok in high school and college. That was my learning process. When I got married right after college I thought I had found a person whose whole being was right for me. Turns out she didn’t necessarily think I was the whole person she was wanting or expecting and after 20 years we got divorced. It was during the time I dated, between the divorce and my remarriage 6 years later, that I learned that no matter how attracted I was to one part, if I was not attracted or compatible with the whole person (or at least most of the person), I was going to be in big trouble. That is why I decided I wouldn’t become exclusive for at least 3 months of dating and why I would wait at least a year after starting to date someone to ask them to marry me. Turns out I asked linda after 2 years of dating and we married a year later. I felt like I had more confidence that my attraction had transcended one particular part of her and had come to know, love and embrace the whole of her.
Growth
Of course, as marriages go on new parts of people come up. They become new people, their ‘whole person’ changes. That’s ok, it’s another part of reality that we need to learn as we grow. We change, so do others. That is why marriage isn’t just about liking and loving the person as they once were. It’s about loving and committing to the person’s growth and change as well. That is where I feel Linda and I have had much greater success than in any of our past relationships over the years. I am happy we allow and include that in our relationship.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Stephen Leacock, 1869 – 1944, Canadian writer and humorist
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 16, 2013 | Italian Proverbs, Marriage - 2012/13 |
It would be a sin not to post Marriage #8 today.
The Man
This Italian Proverb brings up a LOT of issues. First, why is it not the opposite? Why isn’t there an Italian Proverb that says ‘If the husband sins, the wife is not innocent.’? I think it is safe to assume there isn’t a proverb like that because no one really believes it. People believe that if a man sins, (by the way, for purposes of our conversation here, sin equals adultery), he does so for his own reasons. If a man blames his wife he can pretty much assume he will be seen as an even more complete douche bag than if he has the affair and blames himself.
The Woman
So, why is the proverb about the wife? I think it taps into an assumption. The assumption is that women are better than men. They are more moral, more loyal, more faithful. So, the thinking might go that, because of this superiority, they will not easily fall into adultery just from being horny or egotistical. They won’t jump some guy just to prove they can. They have to have a better reason. And that reason is emotional. And if they have the emotional need to have sex with another man, the fault lies partly (if not completely) with the husband for not meeting her emotional needs.
Sexist or True?
So, the question is simple. In your personal experience, or in lives you have witnessed, is this proverb true? Or is it perhaps sexist to assume the woman is less responsible for her ‘sin’ than a man is? What do you think?
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is an Italian Proverb
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 15, 2013 | Illustrated Short Stories, Travel Napkins |
Gotta love some time to just relax and draw while on a road trip.
A Rainy Day at a Starbucks in Dallas, Texas
It is raining.
I suspect frizz is the worry for one woman and so she puts her hair in a bun. A woman’s face is barely showing, her hair covering almost all of it as she looks down at her phone. I think perhaps she compensates by showing a lot of cleavage. A woman in a green shirt doesn’t know I am drawing her as she reads People magazine. The DART glides by. The couple touch each other as they talk. I suspect they will break up soon.
One of them is my wife.
The End
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Drawing and story by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 10, 2013 | Brenda Davidson, Marriage - 2012/13 |
It’s good to put today’s drawing, #7 in the Marriage series, to bed.
What ‘Good in Bed’ Means to Me
My wife and I do one of our favorite things in bed. We do it every day, unless one of us is out of town or is getting up at 4:30 am to go run (guess who that is). We both get a LOT of pleasure from it and don’t want it to end. We do it almost the exact same way every single time. It usually takes the same amount of time. We usually both get up and go into the bathroom right afterwards.
What is it we do?
We cuddle.
There are other things we do in bed; watch TV, talk, read, play games on our phones, and some other stuff now and then. But our favorite thing is to cuddle every morning. I usually get up about an hour before Linda does. But I hear her call as her alarm goes off and I stop what I am doing and go back in for our cuddle. It’s the best.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Brenda Davidson ( I have no idea which Brenda Davidson. There are about a gazillion listed on the internet, none more famous than the other, so heck if I know.)
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