The Bargain
This gets right to the heart of the fantasy that drives so much historic gender inequality. Some men want women to embody a certain societal fantasy ideal. In the worst case they seduce the woman into living up to that ideal (on the surface at least) by offering them a bargain. If you meet their ideal standards they will not only idolize you but you will also get preferential treatment, physical protection, financial safety, social status and loyalty. Sounds like a bargain, right? Many women have made that bargain and have lived with it for their entire lives. Some may even have been satisfied with that life. But many more have lived under the bargain for a while, believing the fantasy ideal just as much as the man, only to discover the downside.
The Downside
The downside is that the man will not let you be his equal in the corridors of business, governance and public life in general. They will be critical as you age, as you lose shape, as you pay attention to our offspring more than you do to them, and as you try to gain some level of independent significance. Then the man will be dissatisfied and feel justified in removing elements of the bargain as you falter in your ideal status. And they will feel justified in searching out a new ideal to pursue.
Powerless to Powerful
And then you realize your idealization has come at the price of powerlessness. At least that is what that man wants you to believe. That is the fear he hopes keeps you in ‘your place’. But the truth is you are not powerless. The only thing hiding your power away is your fear. It is a fear that giving up the bargain will reduce you to powerlessness when actually you already are powerless. The truth is breaking free will liberate you to be powerful. This does not necessarily mean breaking free from a marriage, though it often does mean that. What it really means is breaking free from the fantasy and illusion that you have to rely on a sexist bargain to exist.
Mutual Benefit
This is not just a benefit to the woman to break free, but to the man as well. Of course, it doesn’t seem like that at first, but if the man let’s go of this sexist bargain he will gain something he hasn’t had, a true, equal partner in the world. A person bonded to him in love, not in fear. He will gain a partner who is free to pursue her full potential in whatever direction she wants. And when that happens, both parties to the old bargain win.
What do you think?
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Erica Jong, 1942 – not dead yet, American author
Obviously, this is a generalization. I’m still trying to figure out how so many people can have the political views they have – it’s the mystery of the times. I think of some generizations, but every individual is different – at least, to some degree.
So, I’ll discuss myself in this matter. Fortunately, I had – still have – a strong woman for a mother – strong in character. My dad was happy to let her have her ways – even if her ways fit in with her times which did not encourage women to “bring home the beacon”. She asserted herself in many other ways. So, I followed that model and have greatly benefitted by letting Annette be Antoinette. We have been together 35 years now – met 40 years ago.
I’m sure we nudge each other to some degree towards some ways of being. I wouldn’t call it idolization, but just things we wish for each other. Fortunately, we are both comfortable with each others preferences, tastes, and general living practices and principles. Although, we spend a lot of time as a couple, we give each other space to be ourselves or whatever we feel we need time for outside of our couplehood. Her career took preference over mine, because it merited that bet. We aren’t close to perfect, but it has worked very well for us.
I don’t think I ever had a preconceived idea of what I wanted in a life partner. Annette is not a typical Darien girl. She’s from Italian immigrants to Montreal. Before her (and during our on/off long distance era), I dated a variety of women: some Darien types – by that I mean sophisticated surbanites, one gal from Mexico, New York socialites, some California girls, a black girl from Watts. So, I guess I was open – no particular ideal, just woman I found bright and charming with good/similar values and taste. Perhaps, that’s a mental ideal – not a physical one – although, attraction was a must (as someone to date not just be friends). It’s just that there is no one ideal look that is most attractive to me. I live in, perhaps, the most ethnically/racially diverse city in the world and find some women of all skin tones very attractive.
Anyway, this is beginning to ramble and I don’t know where I’m going, so I’ll leave these observations as is and hope they add to the discussion.