I thought I was done, but I was not. Here’s #6 in the Wealth series
Time Immemorial
Long, long ago wise men and women in many different parts of the world discovered that obsessing with wealth often backfires. The person spends his or her days accumulating, all the while not realizing their death is right around the corner. Even the mightiest and wealthiest can be felled at any moment. Alexander the Great died after an illness of just a few weeks. He was 32 years old and had just recently finished conquering the known world up to that point. All that wealth and power didn’t help him against a microbe they now think was the Bird Flu, carried by ravens who were documented as having been acting strangely and dying all around his home in the days and weeks leading up to his death.
Money, Money, Money
So what does that mean? Aren’t we suppose to gather money? Isn’t it important for our well being, our retirement, our health? I never get the message that we aren’t suppose to have money and prepare. The message I have always received, from Christianity, other religions and secular sources of wisdom, is to be a good steward, always recognizing money, goods, health, jobs, everything, can be taken away in a heartbeat.
This does not make me depressed as it might. It makes me feel at peace because I know I can deal with whatever comes. It might not be easy, or comfortable or understandable. But I can get through it because I don’t place my being in the hands of money, I place it in the hands of the universe.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Script is from the quote, “It was told to a sage that a certain person had acquired great wealth. He said, “Has he also acquired the days in which to spend it?” Author is Solomon Ben Judah Ibn Gabirol, 1021-1069, Spanish poet
I was raised in a very wealthy community, Darien, Connecticut, during my Jr. High and High School years. There was a LOT of money around. One thing I noticed as I was growing up was having that money gave no immunity to family problems. Yesterday I mentioned that having great wealth can exacerbate problems and having been in that world for a while is how I know it’s true.
After those teenage years my family’s financial situation balanced out to a much more average middle class existence. I went off to college and was pretty much on my own. All the usual things a college age kid goes through, crappy apartments, ramen noodles, part time or full time jobs doing dishes or bussing tables, I did them. On top of that I got my degrees in Art, simply the BIGGEST money making degree one can get, right? uh huh.
Lowered Expectations, Higher Satisfactions
The result was getting married and raising a family with no where near the money my parents had. Luckily I didn’t obsess about wealth or having a lot of money. But I did have to learn that with my limited income and a growing family I had to be much more frugal with our resources than I initially thought. I learned a number of great lessons from having to make that adjustment.
Doing things your self instead of hiring someone else to do it is satisfying.
Giving away a portion of what you make (even when it’s not a lot) to causes and people you believe in and who need help is satisfying.
Living life simply without garish and ostentatious displays of wealth and ego is satisfying.
Knowing my family and I can make do no matter what is satisfying.
The Lake of Satisfaction
The truth is you don’t drown in money when you have a lot of it. You drown in alcohol or boredom or stress or greed or ego or promiscuity or any number of other things. And how that happens usually revolves around a desperation to keep ahold of ALL the money. That leads to an intense level of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
If you can open the gates of the dam and let go of that money that is overflowing (and more is overflowing than you probably realize) you will be better able to enjoy the lake of Satisfaction instead of drowning in it.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Muhammed Ibn Zafar Al – Siqilli, 1104 – 1172, Italian Political Theorist
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“Wealth is like water. They who do not open a dam to carry off its overflow drown in it.”
You will have to live with the fact that today is day $4 of our Wealth Series!
Are The Rich Different?
I don’t think they are. I think they just have more ways to get in trouble than the average Joe or Josephine. Where I might be able to splurge on a new TV I really shouldn’t buy. A wealthy person can splurge on a new mansion full of TVs or if REALLY wealthy, a whole TV station.
Dead Broke
In an interview recently, Hillary Clinton said that when they left the White House they were dead broke. The reason it turned into a gaffe was that the ‘Clinton’s ‘dead broke’ and the average American’s ‘dead broke’ is vastly different. They were still able to buy a huge house in a very tony area of the New York suburbs. They both had the ability to lecture for $200,000.00 dollars a pop. They both had the ability get paid to sit on corporate boards or start foundations that would pay them. They may have had a cash flow issue, even the biggest and brightest companies and individuals can have that happen, but they were not dead broke.
Balance
And that’s what is meant in this quote. It would be wretched to be wealthy but still have a middle class approach to using money but have to live among those who indulge in an ostentatious and garish use of money. Of course all wealthy people aren’t that way. Warren Buffett is one of the wealthiest men in the world and he still lives in the modest house he was born and raised in in Omaha, Nebraska. That is one of the main reasons he is about as popular of a wealthy person as you will ever find.
OK, I’ll Take the Chance
The last few ‘wealth’ posts I did last week got responses where the contributor said something like, “Yes, it could be a problem being wealthy, but I think I would take the chance.” Me too. I would be willing to try being super wealthy, running the wretched risk. But I would always want to remember that whatever I am not, good and bad, will only be increased with great wealth.
It’s a good reason to practice the good and put away the bad as often as possible….just in case the wealth comes in!
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Logan Pearsall Smith, 1865 – 1946, American-born British essayist and critic.
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“The wretchedness of being rich is that you have to live among rich people”
Yesterday I did a photo shoot in a park filled with gigantic rocks and steep, narrow trails. There were gnarled tree roots trailing all over the ground and the rocks, loose branches and dirt were everywhere, and the heat was well into the 90s. My friend and model, Brittany, was doing yoga poses for me in what was essentially a scouting trip for a future group photo shoot I will lead later this year.
I investigated the park beforehand and found it was a mecca for local rock climbers. As I read up on that I found something interesting. Each rock climb a person does seems to be called a ‘Problem’. And that makes sense to me. It’s a problem to be solved. How to get up and get down the rock.
Suffering for Art
We had a great time and got some fantastic shots. At the very end we had to ascend a pretty steep trail covered with roots. I had a two photo bags and attempted to make it up without putting them down. Brittany even asked if she should hold them while I went up. As I said no, I lost my balance and fell/slid back down the trail. I only went down maybe 10-15 feet so it was no big deal but somehow I hyperextended my left middle finger and got a small gash on my palm while trying to hold on to my bags and catch my balance. I then gave her the bags and tried again, successfully this time.
The finger felt pretty stiff and it didn’t want to bend all that much. But I knew it wasn’t broken so we finished up the shoot and went and had a nice lunch. I showed it to my wife when she got home last night. It was the illustration for my narrative about the shoot and the environment.
The Hard Working Muse
Brittany meanwhile escaped without injury. But she didn’t escape without plenty of ‘problems’. She did incredibly hard work hiking, climbing and posing in heat that was above 90º by the time we were done. She balanced on very high rocks. She crawled under low tree limbs through the dirt. She held intense poses on undulating tree roots halfway up rock faces. She planked over dry gullies while perched on two small flat rocks feet away from each other. All the while she was trying her best to look good, pose well, keep from slipping due to sweat being all over her, keep from laughing, keep from keeling over from dehydration (we had plenty of water, don’t worry. But it was REALLY hot!) . She figured out the solution to a multitude of problems. It was amazing to watch her work.
Here is one of the photos of Brittany to give you an idea of what it was like.
Parsva Bakasana – Side Crane Pose
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What Remains
Sometimes misfortune or ‘problem’ is what we really remember. Brittany and I will always have the photos to view years later, and that will be great. But the story we tell about the day will be filled with how difficult and harsh the environment was and how much fun we had finding the solutions to the multitude of problems we set for ourselves.
That is the essence of great storytelling after all, right?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Samuel Johnson, 1709 – 1784, English
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“Depend on it that if a man talks about his misfortunes there is something in them that is not disagreeable to him.”
Part of my Napkin Dad plan for 2014 and beyond is being a Creativity Coach. I have been an art and drawing instructor at the college level, have lectured locally and nationally on everything from Photography to ‘Coping with Change’, have been writing advice and insights on creativity on this blog for over 6 years and I have been hired a number of times to help people one on one to implement their ideas in fashion, social media, real estate and branding.
In one form or another, I’ve been a creativity coach most of my life. There is more information about this at the end of the story.
Marla
I met Marla for lunch recently at Cosmo Cafe in Brookside. We had met a number of years before when I had been doing a project called ‘In Public/In Private’ about reporters and anchors in the Tulsa area. At the time she was kind enough to share some of her poetry with me and I thought it was pretty good.
Creative Block
Fast forward a few years and recently I asked her how the poetry was going. She mentioned it was tough to find the time and I gave an encouraging word or two, hoping to help motivate her to write some more. We set a time to meet to talk about her writing and how she might be able to move forward with it.
I asked a number of questions about her creative process; how she goes about being creative, what works and what doesn’t, and that led us on to possible directions, experiments and exercises she could do to build momentum in her creative pursuits, both at work and on her own time.
Small Steps
As a running coach for the last 4 years I have learned the value of small steps. No one goes from couch to marathon. They go from couch to 5k. And that takes 12 weeks. And it’s hard. They can get to whatever distance they want but it happens in small increments.
The same is true of creativity development. If we are stuck, we often want a BIG PLAN to get unstuck. But the big plan, while maybe great for ultimate creative career goals, is not going to be effective in bringing out your creativity. Why? Well, big plans are pretty intimidating, they take a lot of time, and there’s the demon of high expectations looming over it all. It’s very easy to become paralyzed by the intensity of the process.
But small steps are doable. You don’t have to shout them to the world, you don’t have to get some ego validation for it because it took so much out of you. All you have to do it write that one line, draw that one drawing, sing or play that one song. The rest will take care of itself.
As part of our coaching collaboration, we plan to meet a number of times over the rest of the year. The purpose is to build on the momentum she has started, explore avenues for creativity in her work and her private life, and, most importantly, keep taking those small steps.
Drawing
As is the case often with reporters, she had to take a number of calls and texts during our lunch. I used the time to draw her.
Marla Working Her Phones
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Here she is after I had done the original line drawing.
Marla with Drawing
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Your Turn
If you need a jump start in some area of your creative life, I would love to help you. You might want honest feedback about something you have created in a safe, supportive environment. You might want to talk about where you can go with your creative output. Perhaps you have put your creativity on the shelf and don’t know how to take it down off the shelf and get it to work again.
Whatever it is, I can help you. contact me at marty@napkindad.com or 918-760-0581 and we can talk about the particulars.
My daughters are all long gone from the household. The eldest left for college in the East Coast in 2000. The youngest left for college in 2008. I remember the last one really well. It was traumatic for my wife more than for me, but it was emotional for all of us.
A Father’s Wisdom
I was reminded of those emotions yesterday when I read a fantastic essay on a father’s first child leaving for college. It was exquisitely written, full of memories and love, heartbreak and pride. The father thought the son was bearing it all very well until after an introductory session with all the students and parents. The son turned to the father, with wet eyes giving him away, and said, “None of the other kids look scared at all.” The father said what I think is some of the best advice anyone can ever get when you are overwhelmed with emotion, “Never compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.”
The Inside is Not Out
It’s so easy to look at the bright colors, big smiles, hearty laugh, nice clothes, high energy and perfect style that is on the outside and think that is a reflection of the inside. And yes, sometimes it is. But we humans are FILLED with emotions and feelings, fears and worries, that never make it to our outer surface. They are deep swimmers in the middle of the ocean. They don’t venture to the surface often, if at all, and thus are never seen by others.
But rest assured, they are there whether you see them or not. Don’t assume, don’t judge. Just be open to discovering who those people around you really are. You will find if you dive down just a bit, their deep swimmers might come up and be seen.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote and memoir by Rob Lowe, 1964 – not dead yet, American actor.
The drawing above is a metaphor for how some people will hurt and manipulate others in their pursuit of wealth. They are consumed with it and nothing will stop them. They will metaphorically murder someone who gets in their way.
No Metaphor
And at other times it is not a metaphor at all. People really do murder to get their hands on wealth. History is full of stories of that sort of lust that blinds the person to moral or ethical boundaries. Movies and books are filled with fictional and true exploits of those who pursue money at any expense.
Drive
What is it that drive a person to that point? Why does the husband or wife kill their spouse for the insurance money? Why does the dictator send his country’s young men to death in war to get to gold or oil or land? How do you control your desire for wealth? What keep you from becoming that person?
I wish I knew why it happens and how to stop it because it certainly is one of the most pernicious and destructive impulses humans have and we would be so much better off with that under some sort of control and balance on the planet.
One of the things you can be most confident of when listening to an older couple talk about their lives together is that there will eventually be a moment in the story telling when one of them says, “We had nothing and were broke almost all the time, but we had love and fun in our household.” It’s not a universal, and there are people who will also say those days were terrible. But many will look back fondly on having overcome the adversity of little money, a crappy apartment, a lousy first job, or any number of other things that can befall us.
When my first wife and I started our family we lived in a pretty crappy 90 year old rental home in downtown San Jose, California. There was 2 bedrooms, one bathroom, a pretty ugly backyard. We had mostly hand-me-down furniture and inexpensive or handmade clothing and other items around the house. The 3 girls all lived in the same room. I worked 3 jobs, my wife worked one on and off, and we barely made ends meet. But still it worked out pretty well, the kids were happy and we enjoyed our lives.
The Bad New Rich Days
We moved to Oklahoma in 1994 when I got a new job. The cost of living was SO LOW that we were able to buy a big 4 bedroom house for the same price we were paying rent. We weren’t wealthy by any means, but we certainly were prospering compared to back in San Jose. And with that came not more satisfaction, but more dissatisfaction. My wife reached her relationship breaking point with me within a few years of being in Tulsa and the marriage broke apart as a result.
There were other elements to the break up besides money, but my wife especially was more than a little uncomfortable with a bigger house in the suburbs and all that went with it. As a matter of fact, when we separated she bought a very small house much more like the one we had in San Jose than the bigger suburban house were were living in. This was partly due to finances of course, but it was also the type of house she had mentioned she wanted many times as we drove around the Tulsa area in the years before our split.
Question:
Why is it that many of us have such a hard time with prosperity? What is it that happens to make us more dissatisfied when logically everything should be pointing us to a greater level of satisfaction?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is mine and is an interpretation of a longer quote by Alan Gregg
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“Humans are great at surviving adversity, not so great at surviving prosperity”
It’s the start of a new Wealth Week (I did one in 2011 that these will be added to) and I have a question. We alway think wealth is filled with positives, but it can also be a test. Have you had great abundance of some sort come upon you quickly or unexpectedly? Maybe it was money, or maybe it was property or some other material thing or a relationship that gave you much more than you ever could have hoped for.
What was your response? Was it a trial? What did you learn from it?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Lew Wallace, 1827, 1905, American statesman and author of ‘Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ’
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“A human is never so on trial as in the moment of excessive good fortune”
It’s the end of Laughter. Well, my series on it at least.
The Best
Recently an online acquaintance of mine, Deana Silk, moved 100 miles away to Oklahoma City from Tulsa. She is friends with a number of my friends, so her departure was well documented in social media with photos of going away parties and lunches that I saw in my various feeds. She has also been a well-known local newscaster here in Tulsa for 10+ years so there were on-air remembrances of her time at the station where she worked as well.
There were tears in the pictures and tears on the set. But what was more in abundance than the tears were the smiles and laughs. I mean BIG SMILES AND BIG LAUGHS. Not only does Deana have a great smile and laugh but everyone around her did as well. I didn’t need to be at the parties to see how much fun they all had together. And the on-air remembrances, while mentioning her professional capabilities (which are substantial), were more focused on the fun they all had together on the set and on location.
The Good and the Bad
Watching that move from afar made me think how much happier someone is when they depart with smiles and laughs than when they don’t. I moved across the country with my family in 1994 and the departure from San Jose, California was filled with happy laughs and great remembrances. But I also have been in a job where I had to be walked out the door (as is common in corporate offices) on the day I was let go. There was no joyous laughter, just a lonely walk out the door, cut off from a proper ending. That sucks when that happens and I have seen it happen way too many times.
The Worst
But there is an even worse scenario, and that is when you are leaving and no one cares, perhaps because there were very few smiles or laughs. That would suck even more. How do you avoid something like that? Well, the key is in Deana’s on-air remembrances. Her time on the job was filled with that joy and laughter. She engaged and had fun with her co-workers all through the years, even as she met her professional responsibilities. In other words, it was an accumulation of love, not just a moment of it.
The Best Again
Just for fun, here is a clip of the going away party for the CEO of Net-A-Porter. Take a look and think how much he was loved and how much laughter and joy had to been given and received over the years. Oh, and be glad you aren’t the man or woman who follows in his footsteps!
I was already in the midst of doing a series on laughter when I heard of Robin William’s death. There was no reason to change course.
The Balance
As with many around the planet, I am not just surprised by the news of Robin William’s passing but am surprised by how emotional his death is for me. I see again and again over the past 24 hours people talking and posting and responding to the event by stating flatly their shock, then their sadness, then their remembrance of how he moved them in his various character portrayals.
As I was watching one of the morning programs giving their headlines over to his death in a way not usually reserved for celebrities I was almost brought to tears. But then there was a huge shock. The next story? About the emergency food and water drop in Iraq and the brutal, cruel, barbaric killing going on there. The one after that? The continuing rise in deaths from Ebola. After that? The riot and aftermath in Ferguson, Missouri over the death of an unarmed teen at the hands of a police officer.
Report after report of the most brutal events came, one after another. And then it hit me. There is such a frail balance between joy and sorrow in the world. When you hear and see about such terrible atrocities around the globe, you really rely on those people and events that give you joy to balance it out. Having Robin Williams depart is a big blow to that balance for me. The emotion is even greater because it’s as if all his joyful characters left as well. Luckily, that is not the case, they are on film to be seen for a long time. But the spark that created those characters is gone, and that is almost just as sad.
The Depth
While we love comedy and laughter, and it helps us balance out the pain in the world or in our own lives, it’s important to realize that laughter will never truly mask pain permanently. Pain will find a way out, either directly or indirectly. The more you attempt to go around pain, the farther and scarier your journey to healing actually becomes. It’s tough to face it directly and honestly we all find ways to avoid it if we can, but eventually we have to face it and the sooner we do, the stronger we will be.
From Ebony of Perth
I found the quote I used while reading a blogging friend’s heartfelt response to his death. It touched me because of how it connected William’s death to her own personal story of her father’s death. Here is what she wrote.
For Robin’s family, there may never be a silver lining evident. As someone who has lost my dad to suicide, I want people to know that even in dark times, there is light to be found.
I found out that my dad died the day after MJ passed and virtually suffered in silence as the world mourned a controversial celebrity. He had sent me a message I never replied to and have not been capable of reading since. Despite that, it does get better. We can all heal together.
Today there may be no blessings for Robin’s family. The majority of the world are far enough away from the loss, to be able to see that this can be a lesson on mental health and the fucked up stigma surrounding it.
The shiniest angels sometimes have the darkest demons. What goes up must come down. Ask for help and offer it whenever you feel is right. The answer to an unasked question is always no and ignorance is not bliss any more. Unless you felt good when you heard.
We have lost a warrior, we have not lost the war. May his memory rest in peace and his works remain in history forever.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote and quoted story by Ebony Arwen, 1992 – not dead yet, Australian writer and blogger
In spite of their popularity during my lifetime, I’ve never been a huge fan of many of the Impressionists. But there are a few that I have loved from the first time I saw their work; Degas, Manet, Caillebotte.Ranking in that top group is the only American and only one of two women (the other being Berthe Morisot) to break into the ranks of first generation Impressionists, Mary Cassatt. She is an artist I love.
Mary Cassatt
Today, she is best known for her domestic scenes of mother and child such as the two below.
Maternity, 1890
At the Window, 1889, Pastel on Paper
But, as is typical of most artists, what she was most famous for was not her style at the beginning of her career. She first painted images using a low intensity palette of color, with grays and browns predominating, as was the fashion in the Paris Salon. The subject matter was somewhat theatrical and staged, removed from elements of everyday life, much like a studio portrait photograph is now.
Toreador, 1873
Spanish Dancer Wearing Lace Mantilla, 1873, Oil on Canvas
Portrait of a Woman, 1872, Oil on Canvas
As refined and polished as these paintings are, you can see in the unfinished double portrait below that she had a very exciting and vibrant brush stroke underlying her work.
Sketch of Mrs. Curry and Sketch of Mr. Cassatt (upside down), 1871
Transformation
Between the early 1870s, when these paintings were created and exhibited at the official Salon in Paris and the late 1870s, Cassatt had an artistic transformation.The catalyst for this transformation was her interaction with a fellow artist, Edgar Degas.
Edgar Degas, 1865
Degas, 10 years older than Cassatt, first saw her work at her studio in 1877 and immediately invited her to be part of the ‘independents’ exhibition of artists known as ‘Impressionists’ (a name neither of them ever liked). However, before they had ever met, Cassatt had been enthralled by a number of pastel drawings of Degas she had seen in a storefront window. It was this first brush with his style that freed her to pursue a new direction in her own.
Mary by Edgar
Degas painted Cassatt at least 8 times. He used this one drawing of Cassatt as a basis for at least 3 other paintings and drawings.
‘Mary Cassatt at the Louvre’, by Edgar Degas, 1879, Pastel
Here’s one of them.
‘Mary Cassatt at the Louvre’, by Edgar Degas, 1885, Pastel and Etching
At the Opera
One of Cassatt’s most well known works is this one. Interesting to note the social commentary she’s added to the painting with the older gentleman in the background looking at the woman as she looks at the stage.
In the Loge, 1879, oil on canvas
She also depicted herself at the theater.
Self Portrait at the Theater, 1879, Oil on Canvas
This one is not designated a self-portrait as far as I can tell, but the face does look very similar to Cassatt so I think it’s a good bet it is of her.
Woman with a Pearl Necklace in a Loge, 1879, Oil on Canvas
The one below is not a self-portrait but is of interest because of her experimentation with metallic paint amidst the more traditional material.
At The Theater, 1878, Pastel and Gouache
The Experimentalist
Cassatt was a rigorous experimentalist with her art. She not only embraced a then radical painting style, but she also investigated many areas outside her realm of expertise. She often used the same image (as do many artists), transforming it by using different media.First is a quick sketch of a scene at the Opera. This could very likely have been done at the actual opera house.
The Loge, 1878, graphite on paper
She then returned to her studio and created an oil painting of the scene.
The Loge, 1878, Oil on Canvas
She then created two entirely new pieces using the printmaking techniques of Etching and Aquatint.
The Loge, 1878, Etching and Aquatint
The Loge, 1878, Etching and Aquatint
The Japanese
In 1890 an exhibition of Japanese prints came to Paris. When Cassatt saw the show she was immediately taken by the graceful simplicity of line and color.She started in on a series of prints influenced by this style. She embraced this style and recreated it with a modern French sensibility.
The Child’s Bath, 1893, Etching and Aquatint
Once again, you can see her experimenting. In this case she uses the same Intaglio plate, to print different versions of the same image.
The Child’s Bath, 1893, Etching and Aquatint
Under the Horse Chestnut Tree, 1898, Etching and Aquatint
Woman Bathing, 1890, Drypoint and Aquatint
The Fitting, 1891, Etching and Aquatint
The Coiffure, 1891, Etching and Aquatint
Later work
Mary Cassatt became a very famous and respected artist and collector of art. She was award the Legion d’honneur by France in 1904 for her contribution to the arts.She continued to paint well into the 20th century. Her style by that time was set and she did little further experimentation. Her subject matter from 1900 on was almost exclusively domestic scenes of mothers and children.
Young Mother Sewing, 1900
Reine Lefebre and Margot Before a Window, 1902, Oil on Canvas
She even had 2 prints in the famous 1913 Armory show in New York City. However, by 1914 she was blind and ceased to paint. She died in 1926. Ironically, her reputation in the US was not nearly as grand as it was in France. She was overshadowed by her brother, a railroad magnate, and had an unfortunate split with her sister-in-law over women’s suffrage. As a result her family boycotted an exhibition of her work in Philadelphia. This led her to donate her vast collection of her paintings still in her possession to museums and not her heirs.
Have you ever heard this quote from the Bible? “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” Eph 5:4
I went looking for the exact quote to make sure I got it right and found some interesting sites! There’s one that starts out with, ‘Laughter is not joy and humor is not from God’. It then goes on for a LONG time describing in details why jokes and joking and humor are bad and destructive. Ironically, it’s very funny.
There is also a site that asks the question, “Did Jesus ever laugh?” That made me laugh.
Good Humor
I don’t like hearing jokes that are hurtful and mean-spirited. That is why I avoid TV shows and comedians that use their humor in mean-spirited and hurtful ways. Not because it isn’t funny; sometimes mean things are funny, but because it hurts. And yes, I understand there is a fuzzy line between appropriate and inappropriate and the line is different for each person.
Food Poisoning
So, when am I responsible for my response? I liken it to eating something poisonous vs eating something rotten. I can eat something filled with poison but not know it. then I am dead or really sick. Bad luck for me. I can also eat something where there is something a little off about the taste or smell. I chalk it up to you being paranoid and eat it anyway. Then the food turns out to rotten and I end up with food poisoning. In that case, I am to blame for not heeding my better instincts and avoiding the food.
The same is true with humor. Sometimes I don’t realize the humor is hurting someone and I just laugh. Sometimes I understand it is humor between friends, meant in an affectionate way and no offense is taken. But other times I do know it is hurtful and I choose to listen and laugh at it anyway. That’s not a good thing in my book.
While I am not a big believer in the idea of heaven in the first place, if it does exist I hope it’s filled with a lot of fun and laughter just nothing mean and hurtful.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Martin Luther, 1483 – 1546, German monk, founder of the Lutheran Church and foremost Protestant of the reformation era.
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If you’re not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.
It’s cracking me up that today is day #2 of the Laughter Series!
The Great Dissolve
I have a lot of friends here in Tulsa and around the country who are conservative Republicans. I am not. Sometimes on Facebook or elsewhere we can get in some pretty intense debates about stuff.
But when we get together (online or in person) and something funny is said or happens, our political affiliation immediately disappears and we just laugh. That is a good thing.
I also have friends in other countries with widely differing understandings of the world. But when something is funny between us, it’s funny there in South Africa, Russia, Korea, Australia, Slovakia, Mexico, Canada, Indonesia, India, and Norway.
Wars aren’t started by people having fun and laughing in a positive way. Laughing is good.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Victor Borge, 1909 – 2000, Danish musician and comedian. He was a favorite of my parents and was one of the funniest people I ever saw or heard.
Laugh all you want, but today is day #1 of the Laughter series.
Men, I Tell Ya
I recently became more active in a Dad Blogger’s Facebook group. One thing I noticed was how much ribbing goes on there. It’s not that men aren’t asking or talking about serious questions, or that they aren’t opening up about sensitive things, they are. And there are plenty of answers and discussions that are equally serious, sensitive and helpful. Guys are surprisingly vulnerable there, mostly because they know they will be heard and not condemned as they might in another venue. But they also know that within all the sensitivity and helpfulness there is going to be some serious making fun of them. There will be some ‘what a wimp’ or ‘Man, your wife is one unlucky woman’ type statements. The men who put themselves out there and get those sorts of responses understand that within this group, cracking a joke, especially at their expense, is an essential part of the bonding and fun between everyone. It can go on and on and on for days.
The One Liner
BUT, right along side this ribbing are some truly sensitive, helpful, vulnerable and positive responses, from the same men who are doing the ribbing. This can happen while the group rallies to raise money for one of the guys with cancer. This happens when one of the guys is blindsided by a wife asking for a divorce. Truly terrible and heart rending situations that the men take seriously. But they also know a good one liner when they hear one and will often insert it because, well, how could you waste a perfectly good one liner just because a guy is getting a divorce, right? The truth is that guy getting a divorce, the one devastated and demolished? He understands that and, from what I have seen so far, truly appreciates the camaraderie and brotherhood exhibited by the joking. He knows the deep care that is there and that makes the joke (even a lame one) something that draws them closer, not farther, from each other.
Women Being Made Fun Of
This group pretty much backs up a belief I have. Men, in my experience, can take a joke better than most women. Men get ribbed more and understand in advance that it is not likely that the ribbing is serious. Even if it is serious, they know best way to respond is to laugh it off and allow others to laugh at your expense. Women, more sensitive in general (in my opinion), and less likely to have been around a world where making fun of someone is done with affection, are hurt by this sort of ribbing. They take it personally and feel unloved and uncared for when it happens.
Danger
Having said that, when someone does not take ribbing or being made fun of well, it will likely be a man who overreacts and does something seriously stupid and/or dangerous. A woman might get depressed about it all but a man can, and too often does, get angry and violent. Their ego and pride has been bruised, they want revenge, they want to get even. I am not saying women never have that reaction, just that it’s more likely that men will react that way. This is the downside of the male being made fun of.
This dilemma is illustrated by another napkin drawing I did a number of months ago. Click in the napkin to go to that blog post.
The Key
The key in my mind is learn that it’s ok to be made fun of, you will survive it. You will survive it even better if you take it with a grain of salt and let it go.
I refilled some markers yesterday and made a mess. I cleaned it up with a napkin. Just as back in 2012-2013 when I did my ‘Bodyless Ghirl Ghosts’ series using napkins I tested my markers on, I thought this time I would makes something of the mess. The result is map #1 of ‘The Napkin Islands’.
This overview map has the big islands, seas, oceans and some other elements named. When I focus in on one area I will start naming the smaller passages and water features.
Where is your island? What’s it’s name?
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Here is what it looked like before I started.
And this is what it looked like a little while later.
Are you wondering where all the volcanos came from in the final image? Like I mentioned, I refilled a number of markers. When I uncapped the red one to use it this morning it was so wet and full that it splattered all over the napkin. I just kept going and made volcanos!
I once heard a sermon on cassette tape (yes, THAT long ago). One part of that sermon really stuck with me over the years. It was titled, ‘Finding God’s Will’. I was not expecting much. I figured it was going to be the cliche answer I had heard before. But it wasn’t. The answer was to be selfish. Say WHAT? Being selfish? Isn’t that the exact opposite of doing God’s will? Since then I have come to see that the answer is true.
Here’s the idea. God (if you believe in God, if not, then genetics, universe, earth mother, whatever you want) gave you a set of desires. Things you like, things you enjoy, things you want to do. The traditional idea of God’s will visualizes you denying all these things to go do something sacrificial and ‘important’.
Simplicity
But the truth is God (or whatever) didn’t give you your desires and interests just to force you to deny them. They were given to you to use. They are what drives you forward. As simple as it sounds, God’s will is to do whatever you want to do. All that needs to be asked is are you doing something immoral or unethical while pursuing this activity you love. And how do you know if you are or not? Easy enough – Are you inflicting pain or suffering on another, either directly or indirectly? If not, then it’s God’s will.
Behave Yourself!
What does this have to do with the drawing above? The world wants you to behave. It wants you to fit in and do what you are told. Those who have power over you can often want to mold you into who they want you to be. They want you to do what they want you to do not what you want to do. And they might easily tell you that who you want to be is not ok. It’s not good enough, or Godly enough, or important enough. It’s too out there, it’s too frivolous, it’s too degrading, it’s too embarrassing.
Courage
But they don’t get to decide that for you, you get to decide it. Of course you have to have the courage to stand up and say ‘This is what I want to do.’ and do it. Some never get that courage and lead lives others have designed for them, often under the illusion that they are doing God’s will.
What do you think of this idea?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900, Irish author and playwright
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Selfishness is not living your life as you wish. It’s asking others to live their life as you wish.
Another day at Starbucks waiting for my car to be fixed.
Jade at Starbucks
My car door handle fell off last week. Very strange. One part actually broke, the other part just became dislodged and I couldn’t put it back in properly. I brought it to the dealer so they could put on the new part I had already ordered and reinstall the handle properly. While the did that I went to Starbucks to have a mocha and draw.
This woman was studying and I took advantage of her stillness to draw her while I had a cherry oat bar and drank my coffee. While I was in the middle of drawing it I posted the picture as part of my ‘Where Am I?’ series I do on social media.
Of course, someone guessed right away that it was Starbucks based on the color of the napkin. Someone else guessed Greece, which would have been nice. Another guessed ‘Night Trips’ which is a ‘Gentlemans Club’ in Tulsa, which would have been interesting.
Later the woman got up to leave and took the opportunity to show her the drawing. She was very excited to have been drawn and took a picture of it. I then took a photo of her holding up the drawing. I introduced myself, gave her my card. I found out her name is Jade.
Jade left and shortly thereafter she friended me on Instagram, posting the photo she took of the drawing. I in turn posted this photo. It turns out she is an artist and the drawing inspired her to start drawing during her cafe moments like she used to. That’s exciting and I hope to see the drawings soon!
She born in 1977 in rural west Texas. When she was born her lips were blue and her father exclaimed, “Well, HELLO Blue!” and the nickname stuck. Her real name was Trinity Amelia Forsyth. No one ever called her Trinity except for the youth pastor at her church growing up, and he was creepy and did bad things so she didn’t like it.
Chapter One
When Blue was 35 years old she became depressed. She wanted children but her husband’s sperm count was so low (as was his libido) that after 10 years of marriage she was still without children. Her husband didn’t believe in women working outside the home, because that would mean they would likely have a man in authority over her, and the bible said only the husband should be over the wife. She sold makeup and hair products out of her house and made enough money to afford cable TV.
Chapter Two
She had a ladies bible study she went to every Wednesday at 10am. They were reading through the entire old testament, focusing on the characteristics of an obedient woman. It had grown from just 5 ladies to now over 20. She had hoped after the last year’s curriculum of studying the heroic men of the scripture, they would do something more contemporary, maybe a study of how to deal with the stresses of modern life as a Christian. She was more depressed by this not happening than she at first realized.
Chapter Three
One day in the summer of 2013 Blue asked the bible study leader if they could talk after the study was over. She smiled at her and said of course. The leader was the Pastor’s wife. Her name was Millicent but everyone called her Milly. She had perfect skin and always smelled wonderful. Blue had known her for 10 years but had never had any deep conversations with her. She hadn’t had deep conversations with many people because it was very seldom her husband allowed her to be alone with others. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her he said, but that he didn’t trust others. He wanted to make sure no alien or strange ideas were given to her. She once had to go get her tires rotated and had a conversation with a man in the waiting room. She told her husband about the conversation and he got very angry at her, slapping her and telling her how dangerous that was. She was slapped and hit for many reasons over the years.
Chapter Four
While she waited to have the conversation, Milly escorted the rest of the ladies to the front door and said her goodbyes. They all looked at Blue as they went out with an expression of pity that was very familiar to her. She had seen it often over the past 10 years. Mostly at church, but also at the dollar store where she did a lot of her shopping and the hair salon.
Milly came back in the room and sat down in the straight back chair next to Blue. Milly had great posture, always sitting up straight and keeping her chest up. Blue once thought it was her way of showing off her figure without having to show any flesh but then she felt bad thinking Milly would be so shallow and vain like her and decided she was just trained right as a child.
Chapter Five
Blue asked Milly if she had ever been depressed. Milly looked at her through her colored contacts and said, “Yes Blue, I have been depressed. It was when I was 21 and I didn’t have a boyfriend since junior year in high school. I remember being so sad. But my daddy told me to pray for a husband even harder and it would happen. Sure enough it did and once Billy found me and took me as his bride I haven’t been depressed ever since. Of course, having 5 kids and leading all you ladies doesn’t give me any time to be depressed even if I wanted to be! Why do you ask Blue?”
Blue explained to her that she was afraid she would never have children. Milly responded confidently, “You will have children Blue. I just know it. First thing we need to do is pray for that, right now.” Milly led a very fast and adamant prayer pleading with God to give Blue a baby. She even asked that it happen that very night. She then said, “Blue, you need to go home and get your self ready so when your husband comes home he won’t be able to resist you. I bet you anything if you can do that, tonight you are going to make a baby!”
Chapter Six
In the strangest of ways that conversation was the turning point in Blue’s life. While Milly expected Blue to heed her bible study leader’s helpful guidance and go home to get the house clean, get herself showered and pretty for her husband, that is not what happened. What really happened was Blue found herself unexpectedly laughing inside at the absurdity of the whole idea. She knew her husband would never have sex with her, no matter what she did. She knew he hadn’t been able to get or sustain an erection for over 2 years, probably due to his excessive drinking and weight gain. He got much more excited about yelling at her and hitting her than he ever did having sex with her.
Chapter Seven
Instead of going straight home Blue did the one thing she had always been afraid to do growing up in west Texas. She was teased and laughed at for not learning how to do it. After the bible study she drove to the All-Texas Gun Range in the neighboring town and signed up for lessons.
She didn’t tell her husband, and she made sure to always to have all the clothes she wore to the gun range off and in the wash before he came home, just in case there was a gun powder smell on them. She also made sure to shower. She made sure to always go to the Piggly Wiggly supermarket and get some groceries when she went so he wouldn’t question her mileage on her car, which he always checked.
Epilogue
Six months later her husband died in hunting accident when he was accidentally shot by a hunter. The hunter and his friends swore they never saw him and couldn’t imagine how they hit him. But it was found out he did not have his orange vest on for some reason and with his camo outfit on could barely be seen. The hunter was exonerated of any wrong doing but insisted to anyone who would listen that he did not shoot him.
After his death, Blue moved to Louisiana to live and help with an elderly aunt. She started using her given name, Trinity, and got a job at a makeup counter in a department store. She was the number one saleswoman 3 years running. She adopted twins, a boy and a girl, and never got married again.
It’s happened again! I am a grandfather. My daughter, Chelsea, gave birth to my first grandson. Otis Martin Coleman Patzner was born 7/27/14 at 10:41pm in Santa Rosa, California. He was a healthy 8 lbs, 7 oz. This is just over a year after Rebekah gave birth to Vivian, my first granddaughter, so we are adding to the family at a spry pace and Linda and I couldn’t be happier!
And if you ask if I am happy they stuck my name right smack dab in the middle of his, Papa Marty says, Damn straight I am!
Both Chelsea and Otis’ father, Graham Patzner, are creative musicians, and both come from creative family lineage so I have no doubt Otis is going to follow that creative thread in some way. It might not be guitar, but it will be something!
It’s no secret, today is #4 of our ‘Enjoying Life’ series!
Five Dangerous Things I Did as a Teenager that I Enjoyed
Taking my small boat out alone after midnight for a rendezvous with 3 European women, 2 Swedish, 1 Finnish, who were anchored out on a boat in a nearby cove. My buddies and I had met them earlier that day while water skiing. Nobody really believed me when I told them what happened, but it did. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Hitchhiking from Connecticut to Ohio during my freshman year of college with my roommate. We promised the young couple who picked us up and who were eloping to Florida (or something like that) a joint or two if they took us all the way to the campus, which they did and we did. We were two days late and didn’t think it all that important to tell anyone where we were. Our friends and family weren’t happy about that but we had fun. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Streaking (running naked, a fad in the 70s) across my college campus in the snow in the middle of the night and getting stuck behind a grove of trees with 3 friends when a performance let out at the local theatre and the cars exited on the road we had to cross to get back to the dorm. We were stuck for about 10 minutes and it was COLD! Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Taking the air conditioner out of my girlfriend’s bedroom window from the outside so I could sneak in and having to run like hell when I almost got caught by her father. I guess I could trace my running career to that night if I really want to. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Driving to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for spring break with a friend. Our parents were out of town and we didn’t think it necessary to tell them we were going. We meant to go to Florida but the car broke down in South Carolina so we spent our break in a Burger King parking lot near the beach. Luckily, we knew some girls who were staying in Myrtle Beach so we hung out with them for most of the week. The car (an old Rambler my dad got for $200.00) was toast by the time we got home and had to be junked. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
What dangerous things did you do when you were a teenager?
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Drawing and remembrance by Marty Coleman
Quote by Frederich Nietzsche, 1844 – 1900, German writer and philosopher
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The secret of reaping the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously
Here is the drawing I decide on to go with the quote from yesterday.
Contest
Yesterday I posted this drawing with just the quote and asked people to give me their idea of an illustration for the quote. There were some pretty good ideas. Many talked about a mother or father showing love for a child, or for an elderly parent. Some talked about the idea of adoption. Another mentioned the ‘pay it forward’ idea, which I found particularly intriguing.
But in the end none of them seemed to deal with what I thought was the key to the quote, which is about morality. While I was reading and thinking about it I was struck with the very current and real American debate over same sex marriage. It was the perfect example to me of an image that illustrates both the joy/enjoyment element of the quote and also confronts the perception of morality this issue makes many struggle with.
Some Questions:
What do you think of my choice?
What do you think of the definition of ‘true morality’ the quote gives?
How does same sex marriage come into play with your definition of morality (whether it is the same or different than the quote’s definition)?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Nicolas Chamfort, 1741-1794, French Writer and Aphorist
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To enjoy and give enjoyment without injury to yourself or others is true morality
Here is the quote, now you tell me what should be happening in the drawing to illustrate the quote. GO. The best idea (in my opinion) will be the one I draw.
I will give you credit for giving me the idea and I might even draw YOU on a napkin to celebrate your contribution!
And as I promised, here is the last in the ‘Promises, Promises’ series!
Celebrity
What do many celebrities, whether local fame in a small town or international superstardom, have in common? They burn out and fall from the stars in a flaming display of self-destruction. Why is that? Often times it seems to be promising expectations they can’t live up to. It might be they actually aren’t as talented as everyone thought. It might be they have the talent but don’t put in the work to bring that talent to the level needed. Maybe their talent was only developed in one small area and once used up, there is no where to go.
Success
There are of course stories of wildly successful people who were pushed early on to become something. Think of Serena Williams in tennis, or Tiger Woods in golf. They both had parents who had a huge vision for them, and that vision came true. Both became superstars well beyond the expectations. And they both were touted as examples of how children with talent could be trained and molded successfully so they would be able to sustain themselves and prosper in their field
Failure
But no parent is perfect at child rearing. And now child is perfect either. So far it looks like Serena has navigated successfully through her fame and fortune. I hope that continues. But we all know that Tiger, while living up to athletic expectations, fell from orbit and self-destructed. He is to be admired for fighting back and not giving up. He still is golfing, still winning and still a force to be reckoned with. But the illusion of his exalted character and status in the world fell hard and has not recovered.
High Up
A big part of the force of the explosion and the media clamor over it was due to the height from which he fell. It wasn’t the height of a parent’s hopes for a young child. It wasn’t the height of a young phenom exploding onto the professional scene. It was the height of someone on the verge of being declared the best golfer in history. That is a long way to fall. It was sad to watch the wreck happen in real time. It was made even worse by knowing he brought it on himself.
Do you know someone, or perhaps even are that someone, who has lived that life? Not just in sports, but in any arena of endeavor. What are the lessons you have learned about this as a result?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Cyril Connelly, English author, 1903-1974
It is not an anomaly that Connelly is the author of this quote. He lived it. Here is a passage from the Wikipedia entry about him.
“Connolly followed this up (his novel ‘The Rock Pool’) with a book of non-fiction, Enemies of Promise (1938), the second half of which is autobiographical. In it he attempted to explain his failure to produce the literary masterpiece that he and others believed he should have been capable of writing.”
I used the title of his book as the title of this post, it was the obvious choice once I read that it was about his own promise issues.
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Those whom the gods would destroy, they first call promising
