Marriage Week in Review
Which one is your favorite? Click on the drawing to go to the original page and read the commentary.
Marriage #2 – Merits and Faults
Marriage #5 – Adore and Detest
After this drawing I am divorcing myself from Marriage Week.
Is this true in your experience? It is in mine. Tell us about your remarriage back story.
Drawing and question by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900, Irish writer
One year ago today at the NDD – Never Let a Computer Know You Are In A Hurry
Marriage #4 – No Guarantees
I am charged up that it’s day #4 of Marriage Week!
I know plenty of women who actually would do this if the battery would make some money and could talk once in a while!
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NO GUARANTEES
No matter how much effort you put into making your life and relationships stable (read: guarantee) , there are a million random possibilities that will change what you anticipate and expect to happen.
A friend of mine was quite diligent in college to make sure she chose a future husband who would make a lot of money and be stable; a good husband and a good father. She found him and expected him to be those things and he was for the first 15 years. Then he got a new job in a new town. He moved there before the rest of the family and by the time the family moved there months later he was a crack addict. WHAT you say? That is crazy. Yep, it was crazy. It was the single most unexpected thing she could have EVER expected to happen. What ensued were years of money problems, drug addiction, job changes, job losses, and eventually an end to her supposedly idyllic married life.
I remember her saying to me in anger and confusion, “I did everything right. I picked the best possible person. I planned out our life and I carried out the plan. I committed no sins, I had no moral failures, I gave him no reason to do what he did. He had it all and he told me he was happy with it. I did not deserve to have this happen to me.”
My response? “It’s not about what you deserve, it’s about what you get.” The word ‘deserve’ should be restricted to contracts: I will do this if you pay me that. I then do this thing and I then ‘deserve’ the agreed upon payment. Other than that situation I think the word deserve is grossly misused.
But, it’s important to note, the point isn’t that bad things will happen, the point is that the UNEXPECTED will happen.
THAT is what you must be good at dealing with, in relationships and in life. Are you?
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Erma Bombeck, 1927-1996, American humorist
One year ago today at the NDD – Technology #3 – It actually applies to today’s quote and drawing, go check it out!
Marriage #3 – Right and Wrong
I’m married to the idea that it’s napkin #3 of Marriage Week!
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Being right is something a lot of people like to be. My family instilled that in me at an early age. Arguing your point was a sign of intelligence and strength. What I wasn’t taught very well was how to be judicious about when to argue. I just figured it was what I was suppose to do. And there are some who I am sure still think I am like that. But the truth is I learned as I got older, that arguing to prove your point has it’s place, but that place is in marriage much less often than I initially thought.
What I realized is that sometime you need to let the universe show you and your spouse what or who is right, over time. Maybe it will be an article you read that makes you realize your wife was right. Maybe a friend’s problem will help you realize your husband was right. It is usually more convincing when comes from those outside avenues anyway.
So, give up trying to win arguments against each other. Instead try to solve problems together. You will be happier and right and wrong will sort itself out along the way.
Oh, and when you are eventually proven to be right what should you do? SHUT UP.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Marriage #2 – Merits and Faults
It’s day 2 of marriage week!
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Imagine if you did this before you got married?
Actually, you probably think you did, right? But many of the ‘faults’ you now see were likely not seen as faults when you were dating. That cute, endearing ditziness she had? It’s now a very annoying air-headedness that looks more like a fault than a merit. That sweet, self-deprecating Eeyore quality he had? It’s now an over-the-top pessimism and negativity and looks a lot more like a fault than a merit.
Even if you could evaluate your potential mate’s faults (as if he or she is showing them off to you while dating), you still would have a hard time making a proper decision. The reason is so many ‘faults’ haven’t shown up when you are courting. For example, ways of interacting with kids, in-laws, bosses, etc. Reactions to growing older, gaining and losing money, jobs, homes, status and health. Most of those circumstances aren’t experienced when you are young and in love.
So, given that you can’t really know much in advance, what do you do about these faults you see in your spouse? Is it possible to embrace them, ignore them, talk about them, resolve them? Can you, and should you, perceive these traits differently than you do? Do they have value you are not seeing? Do you have humor, love, compassion, understanding you can demostrate in reaction to them instead of annoyance or anger?
Who knows, a different understanding and response to their faults might help get rid of some of your own!
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Magdalena Samozwaniec, 1894-1972, Polish writer and satirist
Marriage #1 – Hot Water
It’s day one of Marriage Week! My daughter got married this month and it caused me to think about marriage quite a bit so I figured I would delve into it here for a while.
Have you ever seen those Cialis commercials, the ones that show a couple in two separate bathtubs outdoors, overlooking a river or valley? The spot is advertising a male arousal aid. Whenever I see it I always think how odd it is, not just that there are two tubs outdoors on on a hilltop, but that there are two bathtubs at all. Wouldn’t they use ONE indoor bathtub to show the two of them getting intimate?
They probably don’t show just one because they know the truth. Truth be told, for long married couples, a tub of steaming hot water is more likely to be a sleep aid than an arousal aid. They will just as likely end up wanting to take a nap together as have sex together.
It doesn’t necessarily say anything bad about a marriage for that to be true. It may not be as hot as it once was, but if the long married couple has worked at it, what the relationship lacks in constant heat and lust it more than makes up for in warm companionship and love.
Marriage Statistic of the Day – In Great Britain between 1619 and 1660 the median age at marriage for brides was 23 years, 7 months. For grooms the age was 28. Only one in one thousand married at thirteen or under.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Minnie Pearl, 1912-1996, American Comedienne
Sunday in Sunrise – Chapters 10 and 11
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapters Ten & Eleven
Epilogue
Chapter 10
Melissa had a very hard night. She did fall asleep eventually, but not until after many hours of crying and talking with Maria. It was finally quiet upstairs around 11. Mary and I cleaned up the kitchen then sat and talked about the situation.
Daria came home from her camping weekend around 11:30. She scavenged in the fridge while I explained what happened. She had taken 4 plastic containers, opened each one and taken one bite out of each thing before she said anything. “Is she going to stay with us?”
“I don’t know, but I am thinking we should at least offer to let her say until some permanent arrangements can be made” I said.
Daria put the food away and said, “That’s cool, as long as she isn’t really weird and doesn’t steal my stuff like Maria does.”
I promised her she was quite normal and that we would have another talk with Maria about her stuff being off limits.
Daria laughed, “Fat chance that will help. But it’s cool; I don’t mind another person around. It might keep Maria from bugging me so much.”
In spite of the sarcasm I could tell she was taking it in stride and wouldn’t freak out about it, at least not in the short term.
Daria was still hanging out with us around midnight when Melissa came quietly downstairs and asked if she could have some water. I introduced her to Daria. She looked at her and said, “Hi. You’re really pretty. I like your hair.”
Daria smiled and said, ‘I haven’t washed it all weekend but thanks.”
I got Melissa a cup of water and asked her how she was feeling.
She started to talk but only a bit of crying came out. We consoled her and told her things would work out. She stopped crying and looked at me. “People tell me that a bunch but bad things keep happening. Angus told me that.”
Mary spoke softly, “Well, Melissa. Bad things do happen, for sure. They happen and good things happen too. You are here safe tonight with friends and we will do the best we can to make sure something good happens tomorrow, ok?”
Melissa sniffled, “Ok, I guess that’s what we will hope for.” She drank her last sip of water and went back upstairs.
Daria went to bed and Mary went home shortly thereafter. I stayed up doing some painting. I painted a little watercolor sunrise just to occupy my hands while my mind raced. I had negotiated the terrain of my daughters’ adolescence in pretty good shape. It hadn’t been perfect, but I had enjoyed the first two as teenagers so far and expect I would enjoy it with Maria as well.
I wasn’t worried about if I could handle another kid in the house, I was worried about whether Maria and Daria could. Initially Maria would love having Melissa around, I knew that. But it was a big shift to bring in a new child. The family equilibrium was stable, but it was floating on a relatively calm ocean of hormones, not truly on solid ground.It was sunrise when I finally got a bit of sleep.
Chapter 11
I called Velma’s sister, Violet, as soon as I thought it reasonable, around 10 am. She said Velma had a dizzy spell when she got home and had been in bed ever since. She said that they were going to have to travel to Mississippi for the funeral since that is where Angus had been raised and where all his folk were buried. There was a good chance Velma would move back there in the not too distant future.
She asked, “Are you interested in taking her in?” I responded, “She can stay here for a few days. What about her brother in Alabama, can he take her in?”
Violet explained, “No, he is in the military and will be for another 2 years. He loves her but he isn’t in any position to take care of her. Her parents are both dead so she has no where to go but into foster care, at least until she gets adopted, which isn’t all that likely given she is already 10 years old.” It all sounded so harsh. “She can come back to say goodbye to Velma and get her stuff, but she won’t be able to live here anymore.” I made arrangements to drop by Velma’s with Melissa later in the day.
Mary, Melissa, Maria and I all went over. Velma was sitting at the kitchen counter when we got there. Melissa went over to Velma and hugged her. Velma started to cry. Melissa said, “I’m real sorry about Angus. I liked him a lot.” Velma pushed her back a bit and apologized, “I am really sorry too, Melissa. I am also really sorry that I won’t be able to take care of you anymore. I like you bunches. You are a great young girl, one of the best kids we have ever had live with us. But I have to deal with a lot of stuff now that Angus is gone and I am not feeling very good at all. We will get all your stuff and make sure you have a new place to live, ok?”
Melissa put her head down and just nodded. Just then there was a knock on the aluminum storm door. Violet answered it and in came a short woman with long black hair. She was made up with a lot of mascara and blush. She said hello to Velma, gave her condolences then turned her attention to Melissa. “Hi Melissa.” She said. “Sorry this didn’t work out for very long. “ She said. “Who is your friend?” she asked, looking at Maria.
“This is Maria. That’s her father. I spent the night there last night. They are really nice.” Melissa exclaimed.
“Can you go start to pack while I talk to Velma a little bit?” Jan asked.
When Melissa and Maria disappeared down the hall and she heard the door close the woman addressed Velma. “So, you are sure you can’t keep her at least for a while? I don’t have anywhere to put her right yet. There just ain’t enough people willing to take in a kid right now. She would likely have to go north up to the city to find a home for her and even that would be really short term I think. That family already has 5 other foster kids living with them.”
Violet spoke up quick. “Jan, this is Art, Maria’s dad. He was nice enough to let her spend the night at his house last night. He said he could put her up for a while until a permanent place could be found for her. Art, this is Jan. She is the case worker for Melissa.”Jan looked at me. “You got a wife there?”
“No.” I said. “She left about 7 years ago. I have raised my 3 daughters by myself since then. Maria is Melissa’s age, another who is 15 and another who is 19, off at college.”
Jan shook her head. “Wow, you should have a lot more gray hair if you raised 3 girls and 2 are teenagers.”
I laughed and said, “No, I just went bald instead.” Lifting up my cap to show my lack of hair on top.
She returned to the issue at hand, “Well, I have to check you out in the system and all that stuff but in an emergency I have some leeway. I have to come over and see where you live now though. My boss won’t like that you are a single dad.”
“I can vouch for him. He’s a great dad.” Mary spoke confidently. She looked at me and smiled.Jan responded quickly, “He may be a great dad, but my boss thinks all guys are perverts. She won’t like that there is no woman around. Who are you?”
Mary smiled at Jan, “I am his next door neighbor. I have lived next to him for 10 years now. I have seen him do all the stuff a mother and father would do and he does it really well. I am around a lot.”
I smiled at Mary. Jan looked hard at me again. “I’ll call the office and they’ll check you out. You cool with that? While they check we can go see your place.”
“Yep, no problem.” I said.
Jan didn’t spend much time at my house, or ask a lot of questions. She looked at the rooms, the kitchen, and the living room. She asked what I did for a living and I told her I was an artist. She looked at me funny and said, “You make enough money from that?”
I told her I did. I showed my studio to her, explained my commissions and contracts, and she seemed satisfied.
Her cell phone rang. “Hi Dot. Yea, I am over at his house now. It looks ok considering no woman lives here.” She explained. I looked at Mary. She was trying to keep from laughing.
Jan walked outside and closed the door. I could hear her talking but couldn’t hear what she was saying. She raised her voice a bit at one point. Finally she came back in and said, “She says you check out so far and Melissa can stay with you on an emergency basis for the week. What happens after that, who knows?”
We called Melissa and Maria downstairs. I sat down and brought the two of them close. “Melissa, if you want to, you can stay here for a while. Maria, would you mind having a roommate for a week? I know it doesn’t sound permanent but it’s the best we can do for now, ok?”
The looked at each other and out came a harmonized squeal that made everyone in the room smile and put their hands over their ears at the same time. Even Daria was smiling. They jumped around in circles laughing and whooping it up for a few minutes before stopping on a dime. Maria looked at me. “Can we go upstairs and rearrange our room?”
I looked around at all the smiling faces and said, “Go do your damage!” and off they ran.
Adolescence is Like Seasickness
As I mentioned yesterday my daughter, Chelsea, got married last week in Seattle. She went to high school with her husband, Michael, but they didn’t date. He was in the drama department with her and most of her friends. I didn’t know Michael back then, but I did hear his name now and then.
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| Michael |
As a matter of fact, her first boyfriend, Landon, was one of his best friends. I knew Landon to be a funny, goofy actor with a great heart. He had a fantastic comedic edge, always quick to say something really funny. He was a Groomsman.
Her best friend, Delindy, was a Bridesmaid. I knew her through our church, where she was a ‘PK’ (pastor’s kid). She was also funny and a bit sarcastic. She constantly had to live with the pressure of being the daughter of the Pastor.
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| Delindy and Landon |
My oldest daughter, Rebekah, was Maid of Honor. She had to suffer through a number of years of Chelsea wanting to do everything she did, copying her and making her crazy.
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| Rebekah |
My youngest daughter, Caitlin, was also a Bridesmaid. She came into my life at age 13 when I started dating her mother, Linda. She had to cope with 3 new, older step-sisters, a new husband for her mother, as well as the high school cheerleading world.
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| Caitlin |
And of course there is Chelsea, the Bride. She was the youngest daughter all the way through the end of high school. The pressure to follow two very smart and very creative sisters through the school system was intense at times. She was shy as she grew but found her voice little by little until in high school she was her own person.
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| Chelsea and me |
These were the people I drew my napkins for, among others. I saw these young people go through their adolescence and I remember this: None of them were mature. None of them knew what hit them. None of them figured it out easily.
Adolescence wasn’t always fun. There was great drama. There was great emotional confusion. There were great ups and down. To be sure, at least in my house, there was fantastic fun and joy and growth as well. But make no mistake, it WAS a rocky ship they were in at times.
And now? Now they are wonderful adults, every one of them. I love them so dearly when I see them coming into their own.
Landon still the same fun and quick witted person. But more importantly, he is a good husband and father of 2 now. I couldn’t be prouder of him.
Delindy just graduated from University of Oklahoma. But more importantly, she struggled mightily to decipher who she is in the world, and is succeeding at it. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Rebekah is a Ph.D. candidate in Neuroscience. She is a genius no doubt. But more importantly, she is an unbelievably wonderful enthusiast and curious pursuer of all things fun and creative. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Caitlin is now a Senior in college. She’s on the Dean’s list and is a hard worker. but more importantly, she has grown into being strong and confident in the social and academic world. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Chelsea learns and adapts like know one else. But more importantly, she has never stopped with her enthusiasm for love, music, travel and friendship. She is growing and learning by leaps and bounds. I couldn’t be prouder of her.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by me. It is a variation on one by Arthur Koestler.
Life Is More Manageable
My daughter, Chelsea, got married last week. Her then fiance, Michael Johnson, had a bachelor party of course. He didn’t want anything really trashy or compromising to happen so they devised a sort of scavenger hunt for the party. He was required to do certain fun, silly and interesting things by the end of the night. It kept them having fun, anticipating the next event and gave him a level of comfort about what might be coming up. Of course, as the father of the bride I wasn’t invited so I don’t know for SURE what happened but as far as I know it went off without a hitch and was a lot of fun.
In truth the scavenger hunt analogy for life isn’t that different than a surprise party. The difference is two-fold. One, there is some general idea in a scavenger hunt of what you are looking for. Two, in a scavenger hunt your attitude is positive and expectant.
With the scavenger hunt model you are expecting surprises but you are still surprised. You understand that in advance and embrace the unknown. In a surprise party you have no clue what is about to happen so you have no way of embracing that unknown in the first place, right?
How do you see life, more as a surprise party or more as a scavenger hunt? Or maybe some other analogy fits your way of thinking better?
Tell the Napkin Dad community about it!
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Jimmy Buffett, 1946-not dead yet, American singer/songwriter
One year ago today at The Napkin Dad Daily – The Value of What We Love
Imitation #1
When I was in high school, and when my kids were in high school 30 years after I was, there was always the issue of ‘being yourself’. In our ignorance we thought the other kids were all alike and we wanted to be different. We wanted to be different together though. That is the key, even within individuality there is a natural desire to not be TOO different from each other.
My father used to make fun of all us high school buddies because we talked about being individuals but all wore the same sort of winter jackets, had the same sort of hair cuts and all just happened to like the same sort of looks in girls. How individual were we really?
My father was a business man so he, of course, had a suit and tie uniform he wore to work. But he also had a great deal of individuality in his casual dress and the things he surrounded himself with. I appreciated that a lot as I got older, and it gave me the confidence to feel comfortable standing out or fitting in, depending on the circumstances.
What are your memories of trying to fit in or stand out? Did you imitate a lot or did you lead the way and others imitated you?
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
One year ago today at The Napkin Dad Daily – The Single Biggest Problem in Communication
The Napkin Dad