by Marty Coleman | Apr 1, 2010 | Ann Landers, Are You Drunk? - 2010, Family History |
I stopped drinking when I was 38 years old, in 1993. I did not have the luxury of ignorance as I went about drinking during the years prior to that. My mother and father were both very heavy drinkers. My mother had to be felled by a brain hemorrhage (I found her virtually unconscious on the stairs and took her to the hospital), endure 6 months in the hospital recovering THEN 3 months more in an alcohol rehab facility before she gained sobriety. She was sober for 15 years until she died in 1988.
My father, from a long line of fighting Irish who drank, was more functional than my mother was, but no less the drinker. He stopped drinking as well. He went back and forth for a while, but eventually quit. He did drink in his later years, but never at the same level as before. He is still alive and kicking at age 91.
Our family was torn apart by alcohol in a terrible way. The arguments, disruptions, fear, embarrassment, danger and anger were ever present. Luckily the years of sobriety on the part of my mother really did much to heal the family and make the bad times part of our history, instead of our present. My younger sister in particular was substantially better off to have her later years (9-18) at home be with sober parents.
After many years where I didn’t really need to face it because my drinking seemed to be more moderate than theirs, I finally came to a point where I could see myself going down that same path. I had a number of nasty and sad incidences of my own making that made me realize this. I quit cold turkey on May 29th, 1993. Through no effort of my own, and for which I am very grateful, the desire left me and I haven’t had or wanted a drink for the last 17 years. I did go to one AA meeting, stand up and say ‘Hello, my name is Marty and I am an alcoholic’. I didn’t go back, though I left the door open that I would if I felt the need.
I only ever missed one thing, and that was as a waiter I would often be privileged to open and pour wine brought in by a particular customer, sometimes even the winemaker himself. I missed the social and sensual fun of doing that and being allowed to have a taste myself, as a courtesy. But beyond that, I never felt it’s loss to my life.
I never thought I drank to drown my sorrow. I felt I drank to allow for opportunities to arise. When you are drinking there is this small voice that says ‘maybe something fun will happen while I am here, drinking.’ ‘Maybe a pretty woman will think I am witty and funny’. ‘Maybe a bunch of us will get into some really outrageous activity’. For the most part it was about keeping alive the hope of something exciting happening. At least that is how I have thought about it so far. There were all sorts of underlying reasons as well, I am sure.
What I found once I quit was that I was better off not pursuing those adventures since they almost never really came to pass, and when they did, they more often got me into trouble in the end, not into the fun I was seeking.
It also came down to this: Who do I want to be? Do I want to be remembered as a drunk? Do I want my contributions to my world to be stunted because I was addicted to something? Do I want to be disappoint and hurt those I love and who love me? The answers to all of them were ‘no’.
I can tell you that 17 years later I haven’t woken up one single morning feeling I have missed anything by not drinking, nor have I felt I would have been more help to anyone had I drank the night before. I know I have dealt with the events of my life (kids, marriage, divorce, moving, unemployment, deaths in the family, etc) much better without the drink!
What is your story in this area? How have you dealt with it?
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“People who drink to drown their sorrows should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.” – Ann Landers (Eppie Lederer), 1918-2002, American advice columnist
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 31, 2010 | Are You Drunk? - 2010, Richard Braunstein |
I stopped drinking in 1993, 17 years ago. I went to a bar last night, not something I do very often, as in virtually never. It’s not that I mind bars, or am tempted to drink. I just have very little reason to go to one.
Last night I had a good reason. My daughter invited me to be on her ‘Trivia Night’ team that this bar, the Sound Pony in Tulsa, hosts every week. It started at 10pm. That’s about the time we are watching the news and getting ready for bed. But I love trivia and she really wanted me to play because she thought we would win for sure if I was on the team. Ego stroking will make me do many things.
So, we got our team name ‘My Grandfather Was President of Encyclopedia Brittanica’ and set off to destroy the competition. I didn’t think much of the really loud, really drunk team next to us, led by 2 sisters who were feeling no pain. We had to switch answers to grade them, just like in elementary school and after 4 out of 5 rounds, we were tied with our boisterous new BFFs to our right. My reputation was at stake!
There is a physical challenge part each week, and last night it was, surprise, surprise…an easter egg hunt out back. My daughter and her friend did the hunt and came back with 8 eggs. Our sisterly competition came back with 7. After the music segment, which we tied again, the totals were counted and….VOILA, we won! By how much? By 1/2 a point…the value of one egg.
So, the moral of this story is that it’s harder to find eggs when you are really drunk so you shouldn’t drink. Well ok, that’s not the moral. But it’s probably true.
The real moral of the story is I am very glad I quit drinking 17 years ago and going to a bar makes me feel like I haven’t missed a thing. This blog was going to be about why I stopped drinking, but that is now for another day, maybe tomorrow.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.” – Richard Braunstein
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 20, 2010 | Series |
Hello everyone!
I need a favor. My niece, Jenna, was flattened by a PIRATE SHIP. It was traumatic so she decided to take a vacation. I need YOU to download and print Flat Jenna and take a photo of her with you, where you live.
Yes, I am talking about YOU ALL OVER THE WORLD and in the US. I know this blog goes to a lot of countries every day so come through for me! Send it to your friends so they can take pics too.
Once you take the photo I need you to send it to me a napkindad@martycoleman.com I need your name, city, country and where you are (home, zoo, kitchen, white house, etc) when you take the photo as well. Want to give more info about the photo and what flat jenna is doing in it? Cool! It will be fun. You can take more than one photo too!
It’s that simple. I need the photos by the end of this week, March 26th, ok?
If you like The Napkin Dad Daily, I hope you will do this for me and my niece!
Thanks,
Marty
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 12, 2010 | Series |
After a lot of entries I finally decided on a quote and commentary for last weeks challenge of being the Napkin Dad Daily’s first guest blogger. The winner is Amy Hanson of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma!
Time and again we’ve heard the saying ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’. I wonder how true that really is. I wonder if age is even an issue. We all have preconceived notions regarding age and ability. I have been guilty of believing the sentiment that teaching an old dog new tricks is futile. Recently though I have become aware that its more about how well we, as teachers, understand the lesson we are trying to impart.
Certainly we’ve all had teachers who just go through the motions of reading the words, and putting the entire responsibility of the lesson on the student. I think the greatest thing a teacher can do is to get to know the students and their learning styles. When we change our perceptions of how people ‘do learn’ vs ‘should learn’, how people ‘do understand’ vs ‘should understand’ we then become more aware of how to deliver the lesson.
For example, when a whole class does poorly the teacher is often quick to blame the students for a variety of reasons; laziness, lack of motivation, etc. when in truth it could be how the teacher conveyed the lesson. I actually had a teacher during my years in school who recognized this. After universally bad results from a test she announced a retake for the entire class, and issued an apology in the way the material was presented. This worked incredibly well. The teacher and students alike were pleased at the results. Looking back I realize it was no easy feat for her to do that and I’ve admired it ever since.
A new way of communicating the same old thing really speaks volumes to an old dog trying desperately to hear.
Quote and commentary by Amy Hanson of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. You can find her on Facebook.
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 10, 2010 | Aging - 2009, Marty Coleman |
Here is a REALLY important lesson to not only teach your children, but show your children.
‘Growing up’ means there is a stopping point. You reach 18, or 21, or marriage, or kids, and you are done. You are grown up. But is that really true? Is it wise to teach that? Is it accurate? Of course it isn’t accurate. To teach a child that they are going to reach some point in the future when they are done growing does them a great disservice. They not only will be frustrated when that ‘grown up’ time arrives and they aren’t grown up, or they will be under the illusion that they don’t need to grow anymore, they are where they are going to be and that is that.
Imagine having the exact same opinions, tastes, styles, interests, abilities, and outlook on life as you did when you were half the age you are now. Are they the same? If not, then you have grown. If they are the same, guess what, you are stuck back in some prior era and need to get back on the growth track!
Just as important as your own growth is the example you set for your children. They are witnessing your growth or lack thereof. You want them to learn how to be a real adult? Then they better see you continuing to grow as an adult. They need to see you continuing to be interested and alive in the world or what will they think? They will think…great, I have a dead adulthood to look forward to with nothing new or energizing happening to me.
Show them you are continuing to pursue your interests. You liked art as teen? Well, go to a museum, learn about it, get a sketchbook, draw. You always wanted to learn to play the guitar? Well, get one and learn it. Your kids will thank you for showing them the real way to grow!
Drawing, commentary AND quote © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 8, 2010 | Encyclopedia of Characters, Volcano |
Today we have a new addition to The Napkin Dad Encyclopedia, Introducing Volcano!
Volcano is dangerous and beautiful. Sometimes it is a she, sometimes a he. Volcano represents what can’t be held in any longer. What is inside you that is going to find it’s way out, no matter what. it is down the road, or maybe in your bed. It erupts continually most of your life, or is dormant until many years has passed. Volcano is never truly extinct, it is always capable of rumbling.
When you see Volcano on a napkin you are perhaps seeing what might happen if a direction doesn’t change. You might be witnessing a truth coming out, or a wrong that about to be finally righted.
Volcano is often misunderstood. It wants to be helpful but it only know how to spew and erupt. It would like to find smaller fissures to enable itself to come out more gracefully. But in the end, all it knows is that it has to come out, one way or another.
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 5, 2010 | Series |
Hello everyone,
Here is your chance to be the first ‘guest blogger’ on the The Napkin Dad!
Here is the idea, come up with a good quote for this drawing, either your own, or someone else’s and write a short commentary (2-3 paragraphs) about the quote.
Post the quote and commentary below or send both to me (napkindad@martycoleman.com) and I will chose from among the best. I will then write the quote in the thought bubble and repost it with the commentary within the week. You will get credit of course, with a link to your blog or whatever you have online. I will add in a short bio about you if you supply it.
Sound like fun? Well, what are you waiting for?
I got the idea from watching a video yesterday about an advertising guy who grew tired of his great ideas being shot down by committee. He decided to do something on his own, with his own money, just for fun and to be creative. Check out Mindful Mimi’s video of the story of what he did. It was an obvious ‘aha’ moment for me, the possibility for my napkins being immediate.
The other connection is my love of the cartoon caption page of The New Yorker. They publish a cartoon with no caption and ask the readers to submit their caption ideas. Then they publish their top three. It’s always fun to think up ideas and to see what others come up with.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 1, 2010 | Christianity - 2011-2013, Thornton Wilder |
Here is a little story about eavesdropping and the consequences it engendered.
My daughter loves to evaluate events she has been in, for example a choir show or cheerleading competition in high school. Afterwards we would sit around, maybe at a restaurant, and go over each and every routine we saw, telling her what we thought of them, good and bad. It’s a way for her to figure out her place in the world, to be reassured that she, and the group, did ok, maybe even great. She likes evaluating and critiquing, it helps her make sense of what she went through.
We were doing just that this past weekend after her performance in her College’s annual big singing and dancing extravaganza. Eighteen groups performed over 4 hours. Eight of them were to be chosen to move on and perform next fall at another big event. It is a very intense competition.
We were at Denny’s around midnight going over each group’s performance, giving our opinions of everything from the sets to the dancing, music choices, solo performers, etc. We were laughing about some of them, saying how impressed we were with others. Some were good, some great, some terrible, and we were saying so. We all had different opinions. I liked some that the others thought were terrible. It was interesting comparing notes.
While we were in the middle of this discussion a woman from the table next to us got up and came over to us. She looked angry and said in a pretty huffy manner, ‘Could you please stop talking about these performances. I have friends in that show and you are personally attacking them. I am very offended and I would like you to stop.’ She then went back to her table and sat down. She stared at us. I was facing her and stared back. She had a friend facing away from us who never talked or showed her face.
My ire was up a bit and I responded by saying ‘We will say whatever we want, wherever we want’. She responded ‘You are offensive to me, what you said was a personal attack on a friend of mine.’ Our daughter’s friend had her head on the table by then, our daughter was looking uncomfortable and my wife I knew was wondering where I was headed. I told the woman, ‘what we were doing was not a personal attack, but an honest critique of a performance, our comments were restricted to how they did on stage and we said nothing about them personally.’
She then said ‘You know, we are Christian in this place and you shouldn’t talk like that. You should just say ‘I liked this, I didn’t like that’ and move on.’ Anyone who knows me knows that if someone plays the ‘Christian’ card without knowing what they are talking about (in my opinion obviously) is going to get a response from me. I said ‘Being Christian does not mean you are not allowed to critique and evaluate performances’. It went on for a few more minutes and then we let it go. We continued our critique, albeit in lower voices.
The rest of the evening was taken up with discussing this woman’s comments, her intrusion into our conversation, her eavesdropping in the first place. We were in turn defensive, offended, understanding, compassionate, angry, self-righteous and in hysterics over it.
After we got home, my wife and I discussed our feelings about it. While she was proud of my measured response we also both felt that we perhaps could have said things differently to the woman. Her belligerence at the beginning led the way to my response but we wondered if I couldn’t have gone in a different direction with it.
We could have been more sympathetic to the possibility that the other woman in the booth had been in the show and was really hurt by our comments. We could have been less confrontational back to the woman. In the end I don’t feel bad about my response but I do want to always be able to evaluate honestly who I am and what I do, for my sake, for the sake of the people I interact with and for the sake of my daughters and the example I set for them.
What ideas do you have for how I could have responded, or how you would have?
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
“There’s nothing like eavesdropping to show you that the world outside your head is different from the world inside your head.” – Thornton Wilder, 1897-1975, American playwright
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