by Marty Coleman | Jun 11, 2014 | Marilyn Monroe, The Extrovert & Introvert - 2014 |
It’s day #3 of ‘The Extrovert and Introvert’ series!
Alone Together
I started out in college studying printmaking. Because you have to use big, heavy and expensive presses to print your work, and you have to use chemicals and inks that require special handling, you usually are in a group environment in a big studio. You do your own work but you are talking to others, maybe helping them print something or asking advice on how to get something right, as well as just idle chitchat that happens during long hours in the studio. It’s the perfect ‘alone together’ environment for an artist who is an extrovert.
Alone Alone
But early on I was so much of an extrovert, I wanted so much socializing, that I didn’t really spend an adequate amount of alone time doing my artwork. I believe my career as an artist actually suffered because of that. What I eventually learned is embodied in the quote, ‘A career is born in public, talent in private’. In my understanding now I believe you will not be successful creatively unless you spend immense amount of time alone simply practicing, training, learning, exploring and creating your work.
Model Alone
This is true of artists, actors, singers, writers, speakers, and more; anyone who has to be in the public at some point. Even professions you wouldn’t at first think about. In my capacity as an organizer for PHOTOG, the photography group I help lead here in Oklahoma, I often will need to find models for shoots. If the model is inexperienced one of the essential bits of advice I give is for them to practice posing in a mirror by themselves. The reason is so they can really know their own face and body, what it does, how they can make it do this or that.
Being alone, focused on practicing something over and over, is where talent will be born. We who are extroverts can learn something from introverts who already know this.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Marilyn Monroe, 1926 – 1962, American actress
Norma Jean Baker
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 10, 2014 | Family History, Marty Coleman, The Extrovert & Introvert - 2014 |
I hope you haven’t had your fill yet, because today is only day #2 of ‘The Extrovert and Introvert’ series.
Raised by Extroverts
I was raised by two extroverts. My mother was a loud laughing broad who likened herself to Lucille Ball, even if she did look more like Jackie O. My father was the smooth charmer who could work a room like no other. My sisters and I are pretty much the same. We aren’t overly self-conscious and we make friends easily. We certainly wouldn’t be called shy by any stretch of the imagination.
I Married an Introvert
So, when I married my first wife, Kathy, I really had no idea what shyness and introversion were all about. I didn’t understand being self-conscious. I simply had very little exposure to what it was and how it affected people. Kathy was pretty shy. As a matter of fact, she probably was the shyest person I had ever met when we first crossed paths in 1977 at UCSB. It wasn’t until 2 years later, in San Francisco, that we met again and started dating. We were married within the year and my journey of discovery started.
I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to what it was all about and as a result Kathy suffered quite a bit. I was not aware of what she was going through, and when I was, I more often than not blew her feelings off as not being valid. After all, in my mind, what was there to be shy or self-conscious about, right? It just seemed ridiculous to me. That obliviousness to her and how her mind worked, that judgment I had about it without really understanding it, were contributing factors in our divorce 20 years down the road.
I Married an Introvert, Again!
Fast forward a number of years and I marry Linda. Linda isn’t shy. She isn’t at my level of extroversion, but she is comfortable and easy going in social situations. But I learned something very important this time around. Just because someone is able to socialize, doesn’t mean it is easy. I found out that Linda has to work hard to socialize. She works a room and it is what it says it is, work. She is tired and exhausted after socializing. It wears her down. She needs down time after it. I respect that and we live a life that allows for that rejuvenation to take place as often as possible.
They Married an Extrovert
If it was and is hard for me dealing with being married to introverts, it was and is equally hard for them to be married to an extrovert. I make friends with baristas, waiters, people I happen to run next to in a strange town (yes, I mean actually running down a street and meeting another runner), and random people on the internet who live around the globe in Slovenia or Australia or Korea or who knows where. It isn’t a chore for me to make friends. I like it. It makes me happy. I am not tired after a long day of socializing, I am usually ready for more.
I sometimes will tell Linda a story about someone I met and something they are going through, and she will stop me and ask, “How exactly do you know them again?” My response will most likely be along the lines of, “I am not sure, I think I met them on Flickr, maybe back in 2006, or maybe I was in the lawn mower repair place. Oh wait, I think they were on that bus in Florida that time in 2009, remember?” She’ll look at me with that look that that says, ‘I am exhausted just listening to how you met this person, much less hearing the rest of this story.’
Who We Are
I think what both Kathy and Linda eventually learned was that this ease and love I have for socializing and making friends is not part of a secret agenda on my part, any more than their reticence to socialize was part of some agenda on their part. It’s simply what feeds me and what feeds them. None of us are the same, and neither are our offspring. We are on a social continuum, not in one camp or the other, like sparring political parties. That’s always good for me to remember.
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Quote, drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 9, 2014 | Frans Hiddema, The Extrovert & Introvert - 2014 |
I am not too shy to say today is day #1 of ‘The Extrovert and Introvert’
DIY Prison
I have had many friends over the years who have felt locked up. They feel paralyzed in life. They can’t move emotionally, socially, career-wise, or physically. They are imprisoned. Sometimes that imprisonment is imposed from the outside. It might be a societal thing, or a marriage, bodily illness/injury or family expectations. But often I find that the prison is made by the prisoner. The family judgment is minimal. Society is actually paying very little attention. The spouse is actually supportive and encouraging. They are healthy. The prison is not built by others. It’s built by themselves.
Best of Intentions
And the prison is custom built for only one prisoner, by someone who knows the prisoner best. And even at one point, had the prisoner’s best interests at heart. After all, when we are growing up, don’t we need defenses? Don’t we learn how to protect ourselves from danger? The bullying classmate, the judging mother, the condemning father, the harsh friend, the manipulative pastor, the scolding teacher. Haven’t we all had someone like that in our lives? We figured out ways to protect ourselves. We built a fortress to keep those people out. And it worked. We were protected, if we were lucky.
Bed and Breakfast
But we didn’t realize that a fortress is also a prison. As we grew older the need for the fortress lessened, but the fortress was still there. Fortresses don’t come down by themselves, do they? They have to be knocked down and destroyed, right? Or perhaps they don’t have to be. Perhaps they can be simply opened up to public viewing, like an ancient castle in Europe that is now a Bed and Breakfast.
Invitation to Your Brain
I once took part in an open studio tour. I had rented a large garage space as my studio in my next door neighbor’s lot behind my house in San Jose, California. I put up many pieces of art; drawings, photos, paintings, etc. for everyone to see. At one point I noticed a good friend of mine sitting quietly on the coach in the middle of the room, just staring at the work. I came over, sat down and asked him what he was thinking. He chuckled and said, “I was just saying to myself that sitting here looking at your art makes me feel like I am wandering around inside your brain.” That was a pretty cool compliment. Well, at least it was after he explained that what he found in my brain didn’t freak him out too much.
More Than One Tool
Maybe that is the key. Don’t expect to completely destroy fortresses you have built up for decades. Maybe have more than one tool. Have a wrecking ball to knock some parts down and a welcome mat to allow access to other parts.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Frans Hiddema, 1923-1997, Dutch Poet and Psychoanalyst.
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 6, 2014 | Illustrated Short Stories |
Prologue
They had their conversation in the shade.
Chapter One
She was talking about her pain. She told of her silly assumption that her best friend would overlook a very minor annoyance given the circumstances and how it hurt to realize no benefit of the doubt was given.
Chapter Two
Her best friend sat back, her heeled sandal dangling from her big toe, saying nothing for a long time. When she spoke, she defended herself and said she had been under pressure too. That it wasn’t her responsibility to know everything.
Chapter Three
She picked up her purse and held it in front of her chest as she explained that it wasn’t just her, but all the girls in the bridal party, who had messed up. “Why did I deserve to be treated so badly?”, she asked.
Chapter Four
Her best friend kept pulling her dress up under the table to scratch in the same locale high on her thigh. It was turning red. She would then pull the dress down again and smooth it out.
Chapter Five
She kept pressing her open hand hard against her chest, gesturing with the other, sometimes turning it into a fist and pressing it also against her chest. She was crying but determined to be discreet.
Chapter Six
Her best friend crumpled and uncrumpled a napkin, sucked on her iced drink and avoided eye contact for most of the conversation. She sighed repeatedly. She sat up straight at one point and her back had a deep lined impression from the back of the chair. She slouched back down within 20 seconds.
Chapter Seven
She kept her purse in front of her, leaning forward, wanting to leave. She wanted her best friend to understand before she left. But she was getting frustrated and realized it wasn’t going to happen. She finally said, “Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Thanks for coming. I will see you around.” and stood up to leave.
Chapter Eight
Her best friend didn’t get up but did say, “Ok, I will see you. Sorry.” and sucked on her drink as she walked away.
Epilogue
The best friend left a few minutes later and two women immediately grabbed the table. One had a string of pearls around her tan neck, the other had on large diamond earrings and a bag from Saks.
The End
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Drawing and Story by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 3, 2014 | I Draw in Church, Sketchbook History Tour |
As some of you know, I draw in church. I have oodles of sketchbooks full of drawings. Sometimes I start with real person, other times I make something up out of my head.
We usually sit about 3-6 rows back on the right side of the sanctuary and I have a pretty good view of the pianist playing in the orchestra or accompanying the choir.
She’s become my go-to model and I suppose I have drawn her at least 100 times over the years.
Years ago I showed her the drawings in a prior sketchbook. I thought she enjoyed them and was flattered.
My wife thought she was probably creeped out. It was probably something in between.
I just finished a sketchbook that took close to 2 years to fill. Since she is a recurring theme I thought I would show you those drawings.
I drew her from the balcony a few times. Linda was in the choir so I moved around the sanctuary, sitting wherever I wanted just for fun.
People who sit still for long periods of time in the same position are good models.
She is a wonderful starting point for my imagination, a muse. I thank her for that.
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Drawings by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 1, 2014 | Margaret Atwood, Violence Against Women - 2014 |
It’s #3 of my Violence Against Women series, sparked by the murders in Isla Vista and UCSB, my Alma Mater. Addition events in India with the rape and lynching of two teenage girls only increases my desire to keep this issue on the front burner.
Size Matters
No, I don’t mean THAT size. I mean the size of the anger, the size of the ego, the size of the insecurity (which of course could possibly be linked to THAT size, who knows). In most cases men feel a little embarrassed and maybe a little humiliated by a woman laughing at them. It might sting a little, and it might make them a little angry. But most men are not all men. And all it takes is one man whose anger is BIG and whose predilection to violence is BIG to create a violent situation.
Not All Men
Too often men will listen to a woman talk about an incidence of sexual violence and their response is will be, “Well, not all men are like that.” But what they don’t realize is that for a woman, they may know most men aren’t like that, but they have very little way of knowing which man is which. I heard a great analogy the other day to help a man understand what a woman is dealing with.
Yes, All Women
Imagine you are given a bowl of M & Ms and are told that you shouldn’t worry too much because they are mostly safe, but there are about 10% that are poisonous. Would you be inclined to grab a handful? I doubt it. Well, that is how many women, especially those who have had run-ins with poisonous men already in their lives, feel about men in general. It’s hard to know who is who in advance. And yes, all women have to deal with it.
The quote above is true: Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.
Hidden Men
The other thing us men who aren’t poisonous don’t realize is that we don’t see the poisonous men doing their damage, their seductions, their manipulations, their intimidations because they don’t do it around us. They do it when we aren’t around. What does that mean? It means we don’t default to saying, “Nah, that didn’t really happen.” or “eh, I am sure he didn’t mean anything by it.” It means we have to default to believing a woman when she tells us that it has happened. It means if a woman says WE are doing it, even if we don’t think we are, we stop and believe them. We don’t believe them because we are guilty of something (even though we might be). We believe them because the effect of what we said or did gave them that feeling. That is enough.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Margaret Atwood, 1939 – not dead yet, Canadian author
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by Marty Coleman | May 28, 2014 | Anonymous, Violence Against Women - 2014 |
This is part 2 of my series on Violence Against Women. It was sparked by the violent events at my Alma Mater, UC Santa Barbara, last week.
Pleasing
To my female friends and readers: do you try to please your husband or boyfriend on a regular basis? Are you able to? If you are and they appreciate it, great. I hope they are trying to please you in equal measure.
But what about when you can’t please them? What happens when nothing you do is good enough? What do you do when the man says you aren’t thin enough, pretty enough or a good enough homemaker, child raiser or money maker? Then what? What do you do when you aren’t good enough in bed, aren’t wild enough in public, aren’t sexy enough in your attitude? Then what? Are you hit? Abused? denigrated? assaulted? What do you do to stop it?
Avoiding
If you are like most women I have talked to who are in that situation, you will try everything to make them not be angry, not be violent, not be dissatisfied. And if they are never satisfied have you stopped trying to please? I imagine that is very scary because he has power. power to hurt, power to seek revenge, power to make your life even more miserable.
Divorce
People often cite divorce statistics saying 50% of marriage end in divorce. They use it as a way to condemn modern society. But I think there is another reason. A good reason. And it’s because women have started saying ‘No More’. I know it’s not the whole reason, but I do know it is a BIG reason. More and more women are no longer willing to be the punching bag, verbally or physically. They no longer have to just suffer through it, they can get out and they do. I think that is a good thing.
Here and Now
If you think I am just talking about this as an abstraction, I am not. I have a friend in the here and now who is seriously contemplating divorce for precisely this reason. Her husband will not support her efforts to be fit, to be strong, to have friends, to be even minimally independent. Does she want to have an affair and blow the family fortune? No, she just wants a life, that’s all. She is more than happy to tell him all about it, to introduce him to her various friends and activities. But he not only doesn’t support her, but actively tries to stop her. He denigrates her and threatens her with divorce again and again. He isn’t stabbing her with a real knife, but he is stabbing her with his words.
What Men Can Do
It’s not easy for me to always understand what women go through since I don’t live it directly. But the truth is many women deal with this all the time in one way or another.
What I try to do now that I didn’t do before is to listen and believe them. They aren’t lying to us and they aren’t making it up. They are facing it and would like to at least be respected enough to be heard and believed. It won’t harm us to listen and react with the love and respect we would want for ourselves.
You can see the entire series so far here.
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Anonymous
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by Marty Coleman | May 27, 2014 | Mignon McLaughlin, Violence Against Women - 2014 |
This isn’t going away and I am wanting to talk about it.
Isla Vista
To even be talking about this is disappointing. The world is filled with men who don’t believe women should use their mind to make up their own mind about things. To pursue relationships or not, to pursue careers or living arrangements or travel or money or style or design or art or a million other things.
If you have any doubt you need go no farther than the town of Isla Vista, next door to the UC Santa Barbara campus in California. I lived in Isla Vista while attending UCSB back in the 70s and the shooting there is particularly disturbing because of the familiarity with all the places they are mentioning as the shooter rampaged around the town.
A young man killed 6 people on a rampage against women. He killed two members of the Tri-Delt sorority standing nearby after failing to get into the Alpha Phi sorority he wanted to attack or the toll of women would have been much worse. He killed 4 men but he was not enraged about men, they were unfortunate to be where they were, not targeted because of their gender.
Veronika and Katie
But the two women were, not because of them as individuals but because of their gender. The women, Veronika Weiss and Katie Cooper, were targeted because the murderer felt he was unfairly rejected by women. It’s unclear if he ever attempted to actually date any women, all that is known now is he claimed to be a virgin and blamed women for his inability to have sex with them.
Rape Culture
He was involved online with a group that is virulently anti-women. They portray them all as sluts and whores who manipulate and deceive for their own advancement and pleasure. They are not to be trusted but to be manipulated themselves into having sex with these men. Why? Because the men deserve to have sex with them. Why do they deserve it? Because they are men and women are supposed to do what men want of them.
Under the Radar
This is under the radar in the US most of the time. You don’t hear about these groups and their attitudes directly. But you do hear about date rape often enough and where does that come from but the same mind set of deserving the sex.
On the Radar
It is not under the radar however in other countries. The newspaper just this morning had an article about a woman having been stoned to death in front of a courthouse in Pakistan by her father, brothers and fiance. Why? Because she married a man she loved instead of the man her family told her she must marry. In other words, she had her own mind and followed it. And the men in her family and in the society don’t want that to happen. They don’t want women with a mind of their own, just as the murderer in Isla Vista didn’t want women who would or could reject his advances if they wanted to. They, as the victim in Pakistan, were obligated to obey the man and not have the power to make their own decisions about the matter.
Avoidance
What do I think is the solution? Heck if I know the big answer. But I know one small answer. Never, EVER spend substantial time and effort on a man who does not respect your intelligence. If he doesn’t respect your mind, he doesn’t respect you. Period. And it will come out. And when it does, it won’t be pretty. Much better to stay away from the beginning.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Mignon McLaughlin, 1913-1983, American journalist and author
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by Marty Coleman | May 26, 2014 | Family History |
I’ve been absent from the blog for close to a week due to the death and burial of my father, James. F. ‘Skeets’ Coleman. I spent a lot of time preparing the slide show of his life and writing the eulogy, which I gave at his funeral. We then went to California for 4 days to attend the services, be with family and say our goodbyes.
Survivor
My father was a Marine in WWII. He flew dive bombers in 43-44 in the Pacific Theatre. He was shot down once. Luckily was able to land in the ocean and was picked up by the Australians. As with many, he didn’t tell a lot of stories about the war, but enough to know that it was a harsh life and that he lost valued comrades. He was proud of his service by not obsessed with it, nor his medals. It didn’t define his life or his contributions to society. It was just part of his history and he treated it as such. He got to live the rest of his life, until he finally passed at age 95.
James F. ‘Skeets’ Coleman
On Memorial Day it’s important to remember that when we lose a man or woman in war, it’s not just a soldier we lose, it’s an entire civilian life as well. Perhaps we can best serve and honor our military, dead and living, by doing our best to help those who survive to live the civilian life their comrades don’t get to live.
My Dad through the years (PDF)
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Here is the Eulogy I wrote and gave at his funeral
My kiss goodbye, January 2014
Eulogy
Our father knew a lot of people in many fields. And they knew him. Celebrities, astronauts, businessmen and women, aviation professionals as well as his neighbors and his friends. They have all been sending beautiful notes expressing their admiration for Skeets. They have spoken of his courage, bravery, charm, looks, intelligence, love of a good time, kindness, and personal thoughtfulness he exhibited throughout his life.
All these things are true, and myself, Nancy and Jackie know these things better than most. And as with any offspring, we had a complicated relationship with our dad. Some things you may have seen at a distance, we experienced close up. He had a bit of an Irish temper, for example. He could lecture his children like no one you’ve ever seen. We even had them numbered. I remember Nancy and I looking at each other more than a few times and saying under our breath, ‘oh oh, here comes lecture #496!” Jackie was young enough at that time that she usually was lucky to be sitting on the sidelines thinking, ‘Man, I am glad that’s not me he’s talking to!’ She got her fair share later though.
But what I want to talk about is not who he was, but who he wasn’t. This might seem odd at first, because isn’t who he was who we also are? Aren’t I going to tell you he was charming so that’s why I am so charming? We all know that so no reason to say it.
No, what I mean is this: Our dad was not mean. Nancy, Jackie and I are not mean either. We don’t think in terms of hurting people, or of revenge, or of hatred. We think in terms of kindness and forgiveness and helpfulness. And we have him to thank. I for one am very grateful for that gift of what he wasn’t.
Our dad was not prejudice. His children and grandchildren are not either. That is not as simple as it sounds. He was raised an Irish Catholic in the midwest. He lived in a world of separation, Irish from Italian, Jew from Christian, Catholic from protestant, black from white, gay from straight, men from women. And yet he never exhibited any of it to us. He removed it from his life, he abandoned it, he put it where it belonged and never brought it into our home or our hearts.
He was not dogmatic. He was raised Catholic, had a bit of a falling out with the church. He could rail against the church but the second anyone else took a swipe at it, he was all about defending it. He eventually returned to the church and was at peace there. But he didn’t really care about church dogma, (well, except the abandonment of the Latin Mass which he always said was the worst thing to ever happen to the church). What he cared about was acknowledging that every person is on his or her own search and it is a true sign of being religious to respect that and treat them with dignity, wherever they are in their journey.
I remember when I had my Jesus movement conversion in 1976. I came home full of enthusiasm for my new found faith and he didn’t blink an eye. He listened, he accepted and he responded with a very simple, ‘ Just remember, other people have their truths too’. and left it at that.
Our dad was not fearful. I don’t mean he never had fear, he was a fighter pilot in WWII, he was shot down, he flew the craziest airplane ever. Of course he had fear. But he was not filled with it. He did not spend his days worried about death or pain or suffering. He looked forward to trying new things, going new places, meeting new people.
When he was 49, he moved his family across the country to Connecticut to take a job in New York, in an industry, Publishing, he had never worked in, in a city he had never worked in. When he was in his 70s he spent 5 weeks traveling all around the world with an Saudi Sheik trying to sell him a BIG JET airplane.
When he was in his 50s he learned to snow ski. He even tried to keep up with me and my best friend, crazy 15 year olds screaming down the mountain with no fear. he had a bit more fear, or maybe more brains, than we did but he made it down not far behind us.
I coach runners and when I am talking to the older runners I tell that story to give them an example of this truth. You aren’t just being an example in the here and now for your family. You are creating a memory for them to look back on when they are your age now. It was that life lesson shown by his example that made me know, without even knowing it, that if my dad could learn to ski at 50+ then I could run a marathon at 50+. Our dad gave us that gift of not being fearful.
And finally, he was not perfect. But he had the best gift an imperfect person can have, and that was the ability and willingness to become better. Just one example will suffice here. His father died when he was just 11. He had no great example of how to be a good father. He was imperfect at it. But all three of his kids will tell you in a heartbeat that he got better at it, he worked at it, he eventually excelled at it.
And he was an unbelievable grandfather. As Pops to my kids and as Popo to Jackie’s he was everything you would want a grandfather to be. Thoughtful, kind, peaceful, attentive and fun. I am a new grandfather as of last year, and have another coming this year. You can bet I will have him in mind when I do my grandfather thing into the future. And that’s what it’s really all about in the end, right? That is the legacy that really matters. The Pogo was cool and worth remembering, his WWII exploits were legendary and important to us all.
But who he showed us we could be by who he was not is what really lasts for generations to come.
Marty Coleman – 5/21/14
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by Marty Coleman | May 19, 2014 | Anita Roddick, Launching a Business - 2014 |
It’s #6 in my ‘Launching a Business’ series, and that ain’t no small thing.
Small Things
Having been in the humble business of drawing on napkins for many years I know this simple fact. Big things can come from small things. As a matter of fact, there is no big thing that didn’t come from something small. Whether you start with the universe itself or human DNA, everything starts small.
- That first business loan from your parents
- That first little storefront you rent and take a picture of.
- The first dollar you make and frame to put on the wall of that little storefront.
The list of small firsts goes on and on when you launch a business. How far you go with it is not a function of how small you start since we all start small, in everything.
It’s a function of how far you want to go and how hard and smart you are willing to work to make it happen.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Anita Roddick, 1942 – not dead yet, Founder of the Body Shop
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