by Marty Coleman | Sep 30, 2009 | Harlan Miller |
30 years ago I married my first wife. She became my unwife 10 years ago. 3 years ago I married my current wife. The reason I mention this is because this quote is both true and not true.
In my first marriage it was probably less true than more. My wife at the time probably should have said more, not less. She hid her feelings and thoughts, either because she didn’t think they were worthy of being paid attention to, or she feared my response. There were other reasons as well, I am sure. I, on the other hand, probably should have said less. I should have listened more and less quickly turned to defending or arguing.
Now I am remarried for 3 years. I have had to relearn some of the same lessons by making the same mistakes, but overall our problems are more in keeping with this quote than not. It might make for a bit more contention at times, but it also makes for a more real marriage. ‘Real’ meaning we see what it is, it isn’t hidden behind a facade or a misleading set of statements. We know where repairs are needed and can work on them. We might ignore the need for the repairs, hoping they take care of themselves, but we eventually come to realize we need to do the repairing. You can’t do that if the actual problem is hidden since you would never know it needed repair in the first place.
The key is to not let those unsaid things stew and simmer and reach a boiling point with a tight lid on. You have to let some of the thoughts out, but you need to discern which ones should be left to die, which ones should be fed, which ones should be ignored. It isn’t an easy process, but in the end the quote is true. Say important things, say them with a loving and caring heart. Don’t say the mean-spirited and petty things, let those die.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day left unsaid.” – Harlan Miller
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 29, 2009 | Death - 2001-2011, Srully Blotnick |
We woke up this morning to a phone call telling us one of my wife’s employees had been killed in a car wreck. She has to go announce it to her division, make plans for how to respond as a company and as an individual to other individuals.
Sunday we were out furniture shopping when we met a saleswoman. We got into a conversation and learned her daughter had died in a car wreck just short of a year ago. She was just about to turn 15.
One of my recent friends on facebook (I went to high school with her sister and we connected via those FB connections) just recently came upon the 8th anniversary of her son’s death in a car wreck. Less than a month before she had to comfort an old friend whose son had just died in a car wreck.
What do they all have in common? We remain. The loved ones remain. The loved ones grieve. The loved ones suffer terrible loss. Where do we go with it? How do we carry that suitcase of grief? That heavy suitcase with no rollers, no convenient handles, a broken zipper so stuff keeps falling out on the street. That suitcase of grief that pops open at the most inconvenient times.
What do we do with that?
- We get stronger and get some good duct tape and keep carrying it.
- We empty it, put away the contents and put the suitcase back in the closet.
- We tear the suitcase apart and make a sculpture out of it that we place in our backyard and the birds come and sit on it in the sun.
- We give it all away to charity.
- We empty it and take it along our further journey, using it to collect wonderful and redemptive experiences to share with other loved ones and to honor the memory of the lost one.
- We do all those things.
Whatever we do, life still is yours to live. It has fresh peaches in it. It has Kilimanjaro to climb. It is worth living.
drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“What looks like a loss may be the very event which is responsible for producing the major achievement of your life,” – Srully Blotnick, 1941-2004, American author and Journalist
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 28, 2009 | Anonymous |
Then again, why not wear plaids and polka dots and guarantee you will meet someone or something completely fun and cool. I am all for clashing nightwear!
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 27, 2009 | Tacitus |
How odd that two qualities that are admired can lead to ruin. Why is that?
What do they do in excess that makes the giver fall?
Candor is a type of honesty. Too much of that and people rebel against it. People say they like honesty, but what they don’t say is they only like so much of it. Too much can give the people a feeling of getting too close, too familiar.
Generosity is a great thing, but too much of it can make the receiver suspicious, make the community suspicious. It can give the community a feeling of getting too close, too familiar.
Contempt arises, accusations ensue and a downfall begins. Is the giver to blame? Yes, in part. He or she may not have bad motives, may not be doing ‘bad’ things. But they aren’t being discerning, they aren’t being ‘proper’ in their display of both qualities. The results certainly aren’t what they expect, but they could have been expected.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Candor and Generosity, unless tempered by due moderation, lead to ruin.” – Tacitus, 56AD-117AD, Roman Senator and Historian
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 26, 2009 | Lord Falkland |
I love this quote. I can’t remember how many times I have come across someone making a premature decision. There is a compulsion at times to have something figured out before it is necessary. The result is incredible anxiety, bad decisions based on incomplete information without the benefit of unseen future events and defeatist attitude.
drawing © Marty Coleman
“When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.” – Lord Falkland, 1610-1643, British guy.
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 25, 2009 | John Churton Collins, Trust - 2009 |
I know. This is a creepy image. Ok, so it won’t be a fan favorite. But the drawing fits the idea.
The reason this man shouldn’t be trusted is because he has no discernment. Someone who only says good things about people has not shown they can discern when there is a dangerous, bad person to avoid. I am not talking about dissing someone. I am talking about having a realistic view. If someone looks, walks and talks like a crazed ax murderer, then it is not a bad thing to say so and avoid the person. You aren’t being mean because you are using your mind to keep yourself and others safe.
Could the guy possibly have a nice side? Yea, he could like broadway musicals and long walks on the beach, be nice to dogs and caterpillars and send money to his mom back home every month. But if that is ALL you see of the guy, then you are purposely avoiding reality. He is still a dangerous person and should be avoided.
Obviously, I am talking about extreme circumstances here. The more likely scenario is an everyday friend or relative whose judgment you can’t trust because you haven’t heard anything negative from him or her.
Think of all the American Idol contestants who have to be told by the judges that they aren’t any good at singing, even if their mothers said they were. Their mothers weren’t trustworthy as judges of their ability, they only said good things. They thought they were encouraging, but in fact they were disabling them, making them unable to discern where they were in their singing progress.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Never trust a man who speaks well of everybody.” – John Churton Collins, 1848-1908, British Essayist and Critic
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 24, 2009 | Alfred Adler, Trust - 2009 |
All talk, no action.
Does she walk the walk, or just talk the talk?
Where’s the beef?
The cliche sayings about people who don’t back up their words with deeds can go on and on. Why is that?
Because words are easy.
Because words can fool people.
Because words don’t cost anything to say.
Because words can persuade the speaker that they are actually taking action.
Because deeds can be secret.
Because deeds can be explained away.
Because deeds are hard.
Because deeds are dangerous.
Because deeds seems harmless.
I don’t know about you, but I know the deck is stacked in favor of words in my world. I have to be deliberate about my deeds; make decisions, choices, right, wrong, truth, lie, open, closed. Words – all I have to do is say them.
That is why I need to continually practice seeing the words and the deeds bound together like a hiker’s gear. It is a long journey and I need only bring the words along that are important to support the journey, the deed.
Thus endeth the sermon to myself.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not words. Trust movement.” – Alfred Adler, 1870-1937, Austrian Physician
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 23, 2009 | Encyclopedia of Characters |
The second entry in my encyclopedia of characters and stuff.
Mechanoman first came on the scene back in the 80’s. He starred in a prismacolor drawing as a cool dude in a juice bar. Cupid shoots a cute girl who mechanoman has been eyeing. Turns out the girl is Psyche. The ensuing romance was a Greek tragedy of epic proportions.
You can see that drawing here.
A Woman and Sculpture with Cupid and Psyche Meeting Mechanoman in the Juice Bar
You may note that he doesn’t look the same now. Well, he had to go into the witness protection program a while back and his looks were changed to protect him. That story is still highly classified, otherwise I would tell it to you.
Drawings © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 22, 2009 | George MacDonald, Trust - 2009 |
Day two of ‘Trust’ week here at the Napkin Dad Daily. I am basically preaching to myself this week. This isn’t because I am not a trusting person, I am. More than most probably. I assume the best of intentions, I assume people will do what they say they are going to do. It doesn’t always happen, but I would rather get burned once in a while and be a trusting person than always be safe but have to trust no one.
Why I do need to hear this stuff about trust is because I am always needing to work on being a more trustworthy person. I think I am better than some, not as good as others. But I am not as trustworthy as I would always like to be. It’s a process of doing the right thing, the good thing, the promised thing, again and again and again. It takes patience and discipline, knowing boundaries and constantly remembering what I have promised.
I suppose most of us struggle with it, at least I hope I am not alone with it, am I?
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” – George McDonald, 1824-1905, Scottish author and Christian minister.
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 21, 2009 | Anonymous, Trust - 2009 |
Have issues with trust and expectations? Maybe this is part of the reason.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead we trust people to be who we want them to be and when they are not, we cry.” – Anonymous.
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 20, 2009 | Samuel Butler |
When I come across people who have no doubt about something and combine that with a belief that ‘change’ is a sign of giving in, of weakness, I know I am in for a rough time in any conversation regarding opinions or beliefs.
Here is why. The person is not going to be listening to ideas for their own value but only as attacks to be repelled. They often will think that merely listening to an idea is tantamount to having to take it as their own. They don’t have the willingness to consider an idea because they don’t realize they can listen, evaluate and reject or accept.
Every idea is a threat because they do not actually have a well-defined strength of belief. The facade is so strong exactly because the inside is so vulnerable.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“An obstinate man does not hold opinions, they hold him.” – Samuel Butler, 1835-1902, British Author
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 19, 2009 | Elbert Hubbard |
Theology was, at the beginning, simple story telling. It was an explanation for why things were they way they were. It was handed down over centuries and it didn’t need to be very rigorous in its believability because the realm of what was known about the universe was very small at the time. It was their version of science, in a way.
But as time went on and people had more questions and were finding out more ‘truths’ theologians (as they were eventually titled) had to fill out the various stories to be more believable. But at the same time they had to stick with the story already told and somehow combine the new and the old.
The result was a pretty convoluted set of explanations for the how and why of the world that was separated from science as it was developing.
To test this idea clear your mind of any and all ideas of the universe and human origins and development. Now tell a brand new story that explains how we came to be and why we are here. Have it make sense in the here and now, consistent with what you now know about life. Would it be the same story you were taught as a child? Would you have the same organization of life, afterlife, material world, spirit realm? Would you have the same explanations for why things happen, good and bad? Maybe so, maybe not. But it is a good exercise to help us remember that we are listening to a story.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“The intent of theology is not to tell the truth, but to satisfy the questioner.” – Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 18, 2009 | Paul Valery |
The key is in the digestion. How does it become you? It becomes you by being eaten in your stomach by all sorts of nasty stuff that you don’t want to know about, mainly acids, enzymes and bacteria. Yum.
I had a conversation a while back with a friend who stated that no argument ever changed her mind. She went on to describe that she once was a conservative, fundamentalist christian; anti-homosexual, anti-feminist, anti-abortion, anti-everyone who didn’t believe what she believed.
She is no longer like that. She now believes that homosexuals are equal to anyone else and should have the exact same rights as everyone else. She believes that other religions have just as much ‘truth’ in them as does Christianity and she doesn’t see any need to try to change them. She has changed her own religion to Paganism. All the while she said that arguments don’t ever persuade her. And maybe that is true.
It made me think that maybe the argument is the meal on the plate before you eat it. The change in belief is after you have eaten and the arguments have had time to digest inside you and become part of you.
What do you think?
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“Nothing is more ‘original’ than to feed on others, as long as you digest. A Lion is made of sheep.” – Paul Valery 1871-1945, French guy
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 18, 2009 | Encyclopedia of Characters |
I am starting an encyclopedia of characters so you can get to know them better. Think if it as their ‘online personals’. I will do one a week for a while.
I am starting with Singing Snake since he is probably my oldest creation. I started drawing him way way back when Beka, my oldest, was in elementary school (late 80s). Her teacher had a pet boa that she let stay with a different family over the summer every year. We got to keep the snake (named Spot) one summer. I loved it.
Plus a snake had great connotations and meanings to everyone, always something to interpret when you have a snake in your art! Oh, and can there be an easier thing to draw?
Many decades later ‘Singing Snake’ is an old friend, filling my need for song and commentary and meaning and innuendo and feelings.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 16, 2009 | Robert Frost |
We sometimes are right to take a fence down. Fences of racism, sexism, fear, nationality, religion, etc. But other fences have dangerous things on the other side. Fences of safety, love, common sense, civility, and more. Those fences were built for reason. They were built to help, protect and nurture us individually and as a society.
If you want to see what happens when those fences aren’t secure, when they aren’t maintained, just look at three examples of the last week.
Joe Wilson spouting off at President Obama during his speech, Serena Williams having a tirade against a line judge in a tennis match, and Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift during her moment at the VMA awards.
All three were probably taught at some point about civility and manners. But all three forgot that they have to maintain that fence, and they thought they would get farther by breaking the rules rather than abiding by them. None of them were protesting evil, none were trying to right an injustice. They were all filled with self and ego, thinking they were better and more worthy than the one they attacked. They, and the media society they live within, haven’t maintained their fence and they have an open path to the field next door. It is a field of meanness, of crassness, of hurt and pomposity. It is a field of celebrity at all costs, fame over substance, money over love. That fence should be restored and not torn down.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” – Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American poet
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 15, 2009 | Anonymous |
It isn’t always easy to get a clear view of yourself and where you are in life. Most of the time when you look to others to help you out with that you get positive reinforcement; ‘you are doing well’, ‘you are making progress’, ‘you are going to be ok’ for example.
But sometimes it’s a relief to hear someone say something a bit more pointed, like the toe of a stiletto; ‘you are messing up’, ‘your direction sucks’, ‘you don’t know what the hell you are doing’, ‘what on earth were you thinking’, for example.
The knowledge you need to step forward isn’t always connected directly to the action of stepping forward. Sometimes you just stand there even though you know you need to move. The kick, maybe unexpected and maybe unwelcomed at the time, can be the catalyst to take that step.
So, go look for that person with the sharp toed high heel and stand in front of them, maybe something good will happen!
Drawing © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 14, 2009 | Henry Brooks Adams |
Or else you will end up in a cemetery with no one visiting. Forgiveness and tolerance are the key to love among friends.
So, what faults do those letters represent in your mind?
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“Every person should have a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends.” – Henry Brooks Adams, 1838-1918, American Writer
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 13, 2009 | Art, Karl Kraus |
In the end, you can find either in both. And both in either.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“Science is spectrum analysis: Art is photosynthesis.” – Karl Kraus
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 12, 2009 | Henry Link, Mary Chapin-Carpenter, Self |
It is frustrating to hear a person talk about their low self-esteem, their feelings of inferiority all the while knowing that the only way to move past it is the one way they are not willing to take.
They have to step out, they need to attempt, to try, to pursue, to leap, to jump, to dive, to fly, to run, to love, to create, to build, to play, to meet, to greet, to talk, to write, to kiss, to touch, to bless, to work, to go, to swim, to do.
They do not need to figure out why they have low self-esteem first, before they act. They need to act, and act again and again and again.
My favorite song is ‘Jubilee’ by Mary Chapin-Carpenter. My favorite part in the song goes like this:
And I can tell by the way you’re talking
That the past isn’t letting you go
But there’s only so long you can take it all on
And then the wrong’s gotta be on its own
And when you’re ready to leave it behind you
You’ll look back, and all that you’ll see
Is the wreckage and rust that you left in the dust
On your way to the jubilee
You leave it behind you by moving, by acting, by doing. Go.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“While one person hesitates because they feel inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.” – Henry C. Link, dates unknown, American author, wrote ‘Return To Religion’, 1937
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 11, 2009 | T. H. Huxley |
It is also the great redemption of science. It is sad to see a great idea vanquished, but progress is made that way. Just think of the other areas of life that could benefit from using of the scientific method.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“The great tragedy of science – the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.” – T. H. Huxley, 1825-1895, English Biologist
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 10, 2009 | Walter Bagehot |
I recently got into a conversation online under a posting by a friend of mine. She mentioned that God had been telling her husband that they should live a debt free life. My response was that it sounded more like common sense than God.
Their ensued a long conversation ranging from one who thinks God holds all the money and we are all rich if we just ask to those who thought it might not be wise to get rid of their mortgage, even if they could.
It made me think about how people make their decisions. Some need to have the blanket of God verbally draped over everything to give it validity, whether it is going to get a burger or buying a house. Others make their decisions based purely on feelings and needs and desires without regard to the wisdom of the choice. Many more are somewhere in between.
In the end though, common sense delivers. Don’t spend more than you make. Don’t invest in something that seems too good to be true. Don’t believe someone is neutral who has a vested interest, they aren’t. Understand basic principles of finance and money.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“The secret to prosperity in common life is to be common-place in principle.” – Walter Bagehot, 1826-1877, English businessman and journalist
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 9, 2009 | Henry Ward Beecher |
I like this quote, it makes sense. What is the use of being generous if we aren’t fair, if we aren’t just, in how we approach our generosity and our response to needs we see before us.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 8, 2009 | Elbert Hubbard |
That is how you know they are ‘sins’, not because there is a book or a prophet or a rule, but because it destroys you (and likely those around you as well).
It may not do it today, and it may not be a physical activity like drinking, but be on the look out for what destroys you. If you want to call it sin, that is fine. I don’t usually call it that, too much baggage, not enough reality to that word. But it also does have some punch to it and if that is what it takes, ok.
Whatever you call it, get rid of it.
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.” – Elbert Hubbard
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 6, 2009 | Voltaire |
What better topic than reason for me to draw a napkin that makes no sense!
“It is the triumph of reason to get on well with those who possess none.” – Voltaire
Drawing © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 5, 2009 | Stanislaus Lec |
A myth isn’t something that is not true. It could be a true story, just as gossip can, on occasion, be true.
The key with both myth and gossip is that it doesn’t matter if it is historically true or not. The story is not told out of a desire to impart history. It is told out of a desire to explain the moral universe.
That might seem like a giant claim for something as petty as gossip, but think about the motivation of the gossip teller. They are attempting to back up their version of right and wrong by illustrating it with a story about someone else doing bad. They don’t really care if the person really did the bad thing, the care that their idea of good and bad is known.
Myth is no different. A myth such as this one, the story of Icarus flying to close to the sun, is about him trying to be like the gods, being prideful and being filled with chutspah. It isn’t about if it really happened or not. Whether the ancient greek stories, the bible stories or others from the past, the ideas are what are important, not the historical veracity of the story.
Drawing by Marty Coleman
“When gossip grows old it becomes myth.” – Stanislaus Lec
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30 years ago I married my first wife. She became my unwife 10 years ago. 3 years ago I married my current wife. The reason I mention this is because this quote is both true and not true.
