by Marty Coleman | Sep 19, 2013 | Jerry Falwell, The Prostitute - 2013 |
I am married to the idea that it’s day #3 of ‘The Prostitute’ series
The Dichotomy
Knowing who said this quote is essential to understanding it. It was spoken by Jerry Falwell, the Fundamentalist preacher. I think he probably meant it jokingly, as a way of simply saying men should only have sex with their wives. But it brings up so many dichotomies of American culture in its Freudian underpinnings and it is so funny in imagining the scenarios that it’s just impossible to pass up as an literary object of contemplation.
The Good Husband and the Bad Wife
Men, it seems pretty simple – don’t have sex with a sex worker unless she also happens to be your wife. In that case, it’s a good thing. Of course, the fact that she is identified as a sex worker means she not only has sex outside of her marriage but she gets paid for it. Basically the man is moral since he is only having sex with his wife, but the wife is immoral as are all the other men who she is having sex with since they obviously aren’t married to her.
The Good Wife and The Bad Husband
A question – What if the wife is the primary bread winner due to the high income she gets from her sex work? Isn’t the husband just as morally guilty as the wife since he is condoning the prostitution because he knows they need her income?
How would you (or could you) deal with your wife (or husband) being a sex worker?
________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Jerry Falwell, Religion Worker, 1933 -2007
_______________
Trivia answer of the day
If this list is the answer, what is the question?
1. Janet Gaynor 1928 – Street Angel
2. Helen Hayes 1931 – The Sin of Madelon Claudet
3. Donna Reed 1953 – From Here to Eternity
4. Jo Van Fleet 1955 – East of Eden
5. Susan Hayward 1958 – I Want to Live!
6. Shirley Jones 1960 – Elmer Gantry
7. Elizabeth Taylor 1960 – Butterfield 8
8. Jane Fonda 1971 – Klute
9. Mira Sorvino 1995 – Mighty Aphrodite
10. Kim Basinger 1997 – L.A. Confidential
11. Charlize Theron 2003 – Monster
_______________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 17, 2013 | Brendan Behan, The Prostitute - 2013 |
I calculate that it’s day #2 of ‘The Prostitute’ series.
The Cost of Free
How much have your relationships cost you? We could go into the monetary side of things and calculate how much it all costs that way. Maybe a billion dollars? It seems that way at times, I am sure. But the far greater cost is the emotional cost. If you are a woman, right about now you should be asking, What? Men have emotions? Why didn’t they show them to me?”
The Ignorant Pirate
Yes, indeed men do have emotions. But it’s a lot like a treasure buried on the desert island with a shipwrecked pirate sitting on the beach. He doesn’t even know he has a treasure below him until some big storm roars in and washes away the beach, leaving the chest full of gold pieces exposed. Only then does the pirate realize it’s even there and start to figure out what to do with it. So it is with men and their emotions. Once they do realize they are there, they have to figure out which emotion is which (not nearly as easy as you might think), they aren’t sure how to give them out, who to give them too, and what sort of condition they should have for the giving, if any conditions at all.
The Cost of Complication
All this is very confusing and conflicting and draining for many men. It demands communication and thinking about feelings and what to do about them. It’s complicated, it’s painful, it’s messy. And usually the man has to be pretty competent at it before he sees much intimacy in a relationship. Men who aren’t very good at it, who struggle with it, don’t like the bargain because it doesn’t seem fair or make sense to them. They don’t get it and because they don’t get it it seems like it is costing him a lot. And that explanation doesn’t even touch on the matter of him trying to understand the woman’s emotions, which is even harder than understanding his own at times.
The Cost of Simplicity
So, what does the prostitute bring? She brings simplicity. She won’t ask for emotions he doesn’t have or know how to express or doesn’t want to listen to, and all he has to do is pay her money. In return she will satisfy at least part of his need. It might not be his long term need that is being fulfilled, but he might not really even know he HAS a long term need. What she does is fill a short term need. It’s uncomplicated. He does this simple thing, she in return does this other simple thing. Done.
Peter Pan, or The Cost of Growing Up
So, what’s wrong with this idea? It sounds like I am excusing men going to prostitutes. But I am not excusing it, I am explaining it (at least in part). The truth is, what I think is really at the heart of it all is men not facing growing up. It costs a lot to be mature and responsible and delve into emotions and feelings and hurts and hearts. Men going to prostitutes are wanting the escape to Never Never Land. They want the fun and joy and simplicity of their youth, only in the sexual arena of adult play instead of in the arena of child’s play.
The Benefits of Growing Up
Take a look at my napkin drawing. The right side, the side of the heart, is complicated. It’s got wind and clouds and sun and volcanos and textures and deep colors. The left side is simple, cartoonish. Men, do you really want to live in that simplistic world? Isn’t the world of depth actually more compelling, more invigorating, more arousing? Isn’t it actually where your senses and mind will most be stimulated, most challenged? Isn’t it where you will be most challenged as a true adult? Isn’t it where you will most likely be fulfilled? After all, it’s hard to be fulfilled living in a cartoon.
_______________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Brendan Behan, 1923 – 1964, Irish poet
______________
Prostitution Fact of the Day:
There is no evidence that Mary Magdalen of the New Testament was a prostitute. The unidentified woman who washes Jesus feet is not stated to be Mary anywhere in the Gospels. Evidence strongly points to her having been a leader of the disciples both before and after Jesus life. It was not until much later, when the Patriarchy of the Church established its male dominance as preeminent that Mary started being branded as a harlot.
Hugues Merle – Mary Magdalene in the Cave (1868)
_______________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 16, 2013 | The Prostitute - 2013 |
Here’s a topic I haven’t investigated before. This week I am exploring the idea of prostitution.
Poverty vs Sin
This quote makes sense to me. I can imagine it isn’t easy to decide to become a prostitute. Perhaps some might like it, but I doubt very many. I think the majority are likely to do it because, in their mind, it’s the only real option to avoiding poverty. Of course, with some it might be poverty brought on by drugs or other destructive ways to lose money, but I bet for some it’s just really the only viable option in their minds. I am not saying it is the only viable option, but that it seems that way to them.
I also don’t necessarily think the woman has to think of what she does as ‘sin’. She might think it’s perfectly fine to be in that profession, doesn’t feel morally guilty or wrong. But no matter what she thinks of the profession she is very unlikely to advertise that it is what she does or used to do.
The Retiree
You know what I wonder about? Where do retired prostitutes retire to? What job/career/life do they have afterwards? The first thing that comes to mind is the street walker and how she will likely get a low paying job in the service industry, maybe will go on welfare, maybe will marry an abusive husband, have kids, be addicted to drugs. All of those ideas are cliches. I actually have no idea what a street walker does after she no longer walks the street, do you? After all, do you think she puts it on her resume? Does she openly leave a trail back to that part of her life for others to find? I doubt it. So, how would we know? We wouldn’t.
What about a call girl? Someone higher in the strata of selling her body for money. Maybe she is a college girl earning money for school and after she is done with school she will get a job in her major, forget her life as a call girl and go on to be a middle class woman in America. No one would imagine that is her past based on who she is now, after all how would they know? She won’t be putting it on her resume either. so we don’t really know, right?
Condemnation
Why wouldn’t she tell the world what she used to do? Well, that’s obvious. The reaction would be swiftly condemning from almost all directions. Even if she did get a sympathetic and understanding ear from someone, that same someone is not likely to want to be close friends, associating him or herself with the retiree for all to see. The condemnation and negative consequences would be too severe if it came out. The threat of wider exposure of her ‘sin’ could also lead to possible blackmail, not a fun threat to have hanging over one’s head. The exposure of her former career could lead to men wanting to take advantage of her as a sexual object. It’s pretty clear to see she has a vested interest in keeping it secret.
Acceptance
But if we aren’t to judge but to love, then that includes people who have had professions we don’t like, approve of or understand, right? I doubt I will find out from a friend (or stranger) because of this post that they had been a prostitute in the past. But if I did find out, I would hope I would treat her exactly the same as I had before; with love, kindness, interest and concern about who she was, who she is, who she wants to be and how I can help her.
How would you react?
_________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Sydney Biddle Barrows, 1952 – not dead yet, former escort service owner, currently marketing consultant.
_________________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 13, 2013 | Illustrated Short Stories, Marty Coleman, Travel Napkins |
‘At First’ – A Short, Short Story
Was she the one being counseled or was she the counselor? I couldn’t tell at first.
Were the children hers, or the other woman’s, or maybe they belonged to the man, or all three. I couldn’t tell at first.
At first I thought she would sit still long enough for me to draw her.
At first she didn’t notice me.
Marty Coleman – 9/13/13
________________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 12, 2013 | Chaz Bono, Mr. Xperience Says - 2013 |
Don’t blame me, Mr. Xperience says today is #5.
Who Are You?
It’s good to have a strong identity, isn’t it. If you don’t, it’s easy to be swayed and pushed and bullied into being someone else, someone the other person wants or needs you to be. That someone else could be a bad person, i.e. “He just fell in with the wrong crowd, that’s why he stole all that stuff.”
Being Secure
It could be you are being pushed by someone who isn’t very secure. To increase that security they want others to be like them, and that makes sense because they become more secure when they see others imitating them. That is how some parents are. But the best parents are secure. They are wanting their kid to be a unique being, not a mini-mom or mini-dad. They don’t need that reinforcement of their identity to compensate for their lack of confidence. They are happy to see their son or daughter find their own way in life, career, relationships.
Celebrating the Unique
They have ideas of what might work for their kid, and they put that forth. But they don’t reject or condemn the child when they become someone different than they are. They celebrate their kid’s uniqueness. That is how they make sure they have happy and secure kids.
_______________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Chaz Bono, 1969 – not dead yet, American writer and musician
_______________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 11, 2013 | Mr. Xperience Says - 2013 |
Xperience tells me today is day #4.
Creativity
When it comes to creativity, stopping is the worst thing you can do. Yes, we can get stuck. But, unlike real physical stuckness, in most of our stuck situations we can change our situation, environment, focus, etc. We can leave something behind and come back to it. Hopefully the going away leads to seeing the problem in a new light. If you are a visual artist it can be seeing the cool colors – the greens,yellows and purples – of outdoors instead of the warm colors of your indoor space.
If you are a musician, maybe it’s listening to something you would never listen to, or something you haven’t heard in 20 years, or listening to the sounds of the world of the city instead of the suburbs. Something to mix up your understanding of sound.
Writers can write a story they know will terrible because they don’t know the subject at all. That should unstick them in a hurry.
Relationships
The most important area to realize this lesson is in relationships. Being ‘stuck’ in some aspect of a marriage or partnership is so common as to almost be the norm. Taking steps to change a relationship is scary. It’s easy to be stuck due to fear that unsticking things will get out of control, will change in unforeseen ways, will be painful. But taking action is still the best course of action in spite of the fear.
The question is what creative steps can you take to unstick yourself. Not unsticking the other person, since you don’t really have control over them, but yourself. How can you unstick you? That will most likely lead to the log jam breaking apart. Maybe not right away bit it will happen.
How have you unstuck yourself in the past either creatively or in relationships?
_________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Jeanette Winterson, 1959 – not dead yet, English writer
_________________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 10, 2013 | Mr. Xperience Says - 2013 |
Mr. Xperience sees this happen all the time, how about you?
The End – Husbands and Wives
You hear it often when a woman gets divorced. She lost herself in her husband’s identity, or maybe her kids’ identity. A few years later she doesn’t know who she is anymore. A divorce occurs and she goes on a quest to find herself. It can happen to men as well, though I don’t hear about it as often.
The Start – Friends and Family
But a person who allows themselves to get lost sometimes practiced getting lost a lot earlier in life. Maybe it was an outgoing, dynamic friend who took you under her wing. It seemed great at first but after a while you realize you had become just a shadow presence. Your real identity didn’t come out, just variations on the theme that was your friend’s identity.
Or maybe it was your very strong willed family. Maybe your mother pushed you to be just like her, and because you just never developed the idea from early on that your own interests and personality were worthy of existence, you became a mini-mom.
The Practice
So, how do you not end up lost in another person? You practice being your own person again and again and again. That means you might have to fight for your identity’s right to exist. A lot of people don’t want to fight, they don’t like confrontation. But the price of not standing up for who you are is losing yourself. Is that worth it?
Practicing being who you are with grace and confidence is not the same as doing so with an angry chip on your shoulder though. Communicating honestly, responding calmly, but continuing to do what it is you know you are meant to do, in spite of pressure, is the key.
__________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is anonymous
__________________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 9, 2013 | Don Marquis, Mr. Xperience Says - 2013 |
Last time Mr. Xperience gave you essential advice about sex. Today, he is guiding you in your child rearing. He just wants to help.
My mother told I did this many times on the changing table. She also said more than once she did not block it effectively. I probably should have apologized to her for that.
Moms, has this happened to you? Men, don’t wait to be told this story by your mother. Go apologize to her for peeing so rudely. And now that you have control of your limbs and bladder, lift the seat up before and put it down after.
_________________
This public service announcement provided by Mr. Xperience
Quote by Don Marquis, 1878-1937, American writer
_________________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 6, 2013 | Mr. Xperience Says - 2013, Yvonne Fulbright |
I am starting a new series today called ‘Mr. Xperience Says’. Some lessons and warnings we can hear again and again but it doesn’t take hold until Mr. Xperience tells it to us. They aren’t lesson I in particular learned via Mr. Xperience. Some I did learn that way, others I haven’t had to deal with but I know many close friends who have. Mr. Xperience is a busy man. Ms. Experience is too.
The Mistake
I have a number of friends who have done this, in spite of them being warned by friends and family that it was a bad idea. It wasn’t until Mr. Xperience told them that they really understood how bad an idea it was. It’s amazing how many people only pay attention to Mr. Xperience. It’s even MORE amazing to realize there are some people who never listen to Mr. Xperience and as a result make this and other mistakes again and again. Those people are hard to watch live life. It’s one thing to give advice, see it ignored but then see Mr. Xperience give the advice and it being learned. That is frustrating but at least you know the finally listened to the advice. But when they don’t even listen to Mr. Xperience, that is torture to watch.
My Xperience
I never had sex with my ex. Well, I did before she was my ex, but actually we slept in separate rooms for almost a year before she moved out so we weren’t having sex well before she was my ex, and that just logically continued afterwards. It’s not that we didn’t have the opportunity after she moved out since she had her own house, I had mine. But she wasn’t about to let that happen and I moved on relatively quickly as well.
Tucson
Many years later we spent 5 days alone together in Tucson, Arizona. We had gone there to talk to one of our daughters and try to persuade her into coming home with one of us. We did see her the first day but she got scared off by what turned out to be wrong tactics on our part and didn’t show up the next day for our expected conversation about things. We hung around for a number of days hoping she would show up, talking to her friends and landlord, but she never did. In the meanwhile we spent every day together, driving here and there, eating meals, waiting in this one cafe. We got along pretty well, with only one small tiff, and it was pretty much a version of some of the tiffs we had had during our marriage about child rearing. Not a huge fight or anything, just a difference of opinion.
Reassurance
We also stayed in the same hotel, about 3 doors down from each other. This scenario of course led to a bit of anxiety on my wife Linda’s part. She wasn’t really worried about anything happening between us, but at the same time, if something were ripe to happen, this situation was definitely letting it happen way to easily. So, she had some worries. Each night I called her and reassured her of the truth. The truth was, 1 – I loved her, not my ex. 2 – I didn’t want to have sex with my ex. 3 – she didn’t want to have sex with me, either. This made her feel better. I was very happy to have married a woman who trusted me in that situation.
My ex was (and still is) in a relationship herself. I wasn’t privy to her conversations with her boyfriend, obviously, but it would not surprise me if he had some of the same worries. I might be wrong, she could have spent years railing against me, talking about how much she loathed me, but I never got the impression she did. At the same time, she did divorce me and she never showed any interest in the possibility of getting back together in any way, sexual or otherwise. I don’t know her boyfriend’s personality though, besides him being a nice guy, so I don’t know what their mutual worries or thoughts were about it. Whatever the case, we both spent the days as caring co-parents to our daughter, not as ex-lovers yearning but denying ourselves sex with each other. I am glad of that.
____________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Yvonne K Fulbright (and many others)
____________________
Like this:
Like Loading...
by Marty Coleman | Sep 5, 2013 | Darien - 2013, Travel Napkins |
The Flight Home
I spent 9 days on the east coast, going to my HS reunion, visiting my sister, an artist friend and my daughter Rebekah and my first Grandbaby, Vivian. But alas, I eventually had to head back to Tulsa. I was excited to see Linda again, it had been a long trip, but I was very sad to say goodbye to Rebekah and Vin. I spent the hours on my flight home drawing.
The Executive
I got into a conversation with the woman across the aisle as we both sat down but I was on the window seat and when my row partner sat on the aisle, the conversation pretty much stopped. Later the woman on the aisle was trying to sleep and wasn’t having a very easy time of it so I traded places with her so she could lean her head against the interior of the plane. By that time the woman across the aisle, Catherine, was reading so I picked up my sketchbook and started to draw her. I captured her face first, then her hands as quickly as I could since I know they were the most likely part of her to change at any moment, which they did. She brought out her laptop and at that point I started drawing the background.
The entire cabin was dark and the light from her screen lit her face in a beautiful way. I wish I had taken a photo so I could remember the lighting pattern now. We started talking again after a while and I found out she was coming to Tulsa for just one day for work. She was an executive with a large software developer and had a series of meetings starting early the next morning. She was tired after a while and laid her head back to sleep.
This is the drawing before I painted and colored it.
____________________
The Flight Attendant
After my aisle mate started napping I noticed the flight attendant sitting in the jump seat straight ahead. She was in the dark, with one single overhead light above her, and some light from the galley on her left. She was looking right at me so I mouthed the words, ‘I am drawing you.’ and she responded with a smile and a thumbs up.
She sat still for almost the entire time I was drawing. There wasn’t anything going on in the cabin, almost everyone was asleep or at least had their eyes closed. She could have easily changed her arm position, crossed her legs differently or adjusted her clothing or hair, but she did none of that. She just sat still and looked straight ahead. Once in a while she would look at me and I would mouth the words for wherever I was at, ‘I am drawing your legs now.’ or “I finished your dress.” I knew she couldn’t hear me since I was actually making no audible sound, but it was obvious she knew what it was I was saying. She sat that way for probably 20-25 minutes, long enough for me to get a thorough line drawing done.
She had to explain her stillness to her fellow flight attendant at one point, and the other flight attendant came over to see how the drawing was progressing. She thought it looked pretty good and gave Jessica the thumbs up. That made her smile. It was very cool and otherworldly to do the drawing almost in complete darkness, almost like a special bond formed between us as a result. I showed her the line drawing after and she was very happy with it. She introduced herself as Jess and we exchanged contact info so I could get the finished drawing to her. Here is the line drawing before I painted and colored it.
And with that we landed, the lights came up and I was able to be greeted by my lovely wife at the airport. It was a wonderful journey meeting old friends, new family, and strangers who became friends.
I love traveling into the past and finding the present.
_____________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
_____________________
Like this:
Like Loading...
