I love that today is day #9 of our Marriage series.
The Part
Have you ever been fixated on one particular aspect of a person? Maybe you are in love with their hair, or voice, or smile, or maybe their dimples. As an artist and photographer I am constantly finding things I absolutely love about a person’s visual self. Granted my visual taste can be a bit eccentric. I am a huge fan of great eyebrows for example. If I see great eyebrows I will make sure to compliment the person they are attached to. I love fingernail and toenail polish done really well. I love freckles. And tattoos. And scars. And makeup that most people think is too much.
I also find myself attracted to the internal parts as well. To funny. And bawdy. And educated. And creative. And honest. And more.
The Whole
When I was younger I was like the guy above. I would translate my admiration for the person’s part, internal or external, into an admiration of the whole person. And that was a good thing in one way. I should embrace and see the whole person. They aren’t just one part. But it was bad in another way. My attraction to the one part made me oblivious to whether I liked or was compatible with the whole person. I had a bit of tunnel vision, in other words.
Maturity
That was ok in high school and college. That was my learning process. When I got married right after college I thought I had found a person whose whole being was right for me. Turns out she didn’t necessarily think I was the whole person she was wanting or expecting and after 20 years we got divorced. It was during the time I dated, between the divorce and my remarriage 6 years later, that I learned that no matter how attracted I was to one part, if I was not attracted or compatible with the whole person (or at least most of the person), I was going to be in big trouble. That is why I decided I wouldn’t become exclusive for at least 3 months of dating and why I would wait at least a year after starting to date someone to ask them to marry me. Turns out I asked linda after 2 years of dating and we married a year later. I felt like I had more confidence that my attraction had transcended one particular part of her and had come to know, love and embrace the whole of her.
Growth
Of course, as marriages go on new parts of people come up. They become new people, their ‘whole person’ changes. That’s ok, it’s another part of reality that we need to learn as we grow. We change, so do others. That is why marriage isn’t just about liking and loving the person as they once were. It’s about loving and committing to the person’s growth and change as well. That is where I feel Linda and I have had much greater success than in any of our past relationships over the years. I am happy we allow and include that in our relationship.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word:Marriage
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Stephen Leacock, 1869 – 1944, Canadian writer and humorist
This Italian Proverb brings up a LOT of issues. First, why is it not the opposite? Why isn’t there an Italian Proverb that says ‘If the husband sins, the wife is not innocent.’? I think it is safe to assume there isn’t a proverb like that because no one really believes it. People believe that if a man sins, (by the way, for purposes of our conversation here, sin equals adultery), he does so for his own reasons. If a man blames his wife he can pretty much assume he will be seen as an even more complete douche bag than if he has the affair and blames himself.
The Woman
So, why is the proverb about the wife? I think it taps into an assumption. The assumption is that women are better than men. They are more moral, more loyal, more faithful. So, the thinking might go that, because of this superiority, they will not easily fall into adultery just from being horny or egotistical. They won’t jump some guy just to prove they can. They have to have a better reason. And that reason is emotional. And if they have the emotional need to have sex with another man, the fault lies partly (if not completely) with the husband for not meeting her emotional needs.
Sexist or True?
So, the question is simple. In your personal experience, or in lives you have witnessed, is this proverb true? Or is it perhaps sexist to assume the woman is less responsible for her ‘sin’ than a man is? What do you think?
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word:Marriage
Gotta love some time to just relax and draw while on a road trip.
A Rainy Day at a Starbucks in Dallas, Texas
It is raining.
I suspect frizz is the worry for one woman and so she puts her hair in a bun. A woman’s face is barely showing, her hair covering almost all of it as she looks down at her phone. I think perhaps she compensates by showing a lot of cleavage. A woman in a green shirt doesn’t know I am drawing her as she reads People magazine. The DART glides by. The couple touch each other as they talk. I suspect they will break up soon.
It’s good to put today’s drawing, #7 in the Marriage series, to bed.
What ‘Good in Bed’ Means to Me
My wife and I do one of our favorite things in bed. We do it every day, unless one of us is out of town or is getting up at 4:30 am to go run (guess who that is). We both get a LOT of pleasure from it and don’t want it to end. We do it almost the exact same way every single time. It usually takes the same amount of time. We usually both get up and go into the bathroom right afterwards.
What is it we do?
We cuddle.
There are other things we do in bed; watch TV, talk, read, play games on our phones, and some other stuff now and then. But our favorite thing is to cuddle every morning. I usually get up about an hour before Linda does. But I hear her call as her alarm goes off and I stop what I am doing and go back in for our cuddle. It’s the best.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word:Marriage
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Brenda Davidson ( I have no idea which Brenda Davidson. There are about a gazillion listed on the internet, none more famous than the other, so heck if I know.)
I did a marriage series in 2012 but found some new quotes recently so I decided to add to it.
Faults? What Faults?
This can be taken as anti-wife. The wife as a nag, as a critic, as someone who is always wanting to change the man into her version of who he should be. The faults aren’t real, they are simply things she doesn’t like. Many husbands would say their wives fit this characterization. Without a change the husband is going to withdraw into depression, crack or divorce. They are not happy husbands.
Yes, Your Faults
This can be taken as anti-husband. The husband is an oblivious oaf who has not clue how rude, insensitive, lazy, sexist and unfeeling he is. The faults actually are real and they need to be addressed. Many wives would say their husbands fit this characterization. Without a change the wife is going to withdraw into depression, crack or divorce. They are not happy wives.
Fault Control
In my experience, more wives than husbands tend to think they are indispensable. That if they don’t do it, no one will, especially the husband, and the family will fall apart. If you are that wife, ask yourself this question. What if I died today? Will the world go on? Will your sons and daughters get dressed and go to school without your help or will they stay in their pajamas, unfed, all day long? The answer is, they will get to school. They may have a mismatched set of socks, but they will get to school. Life will suck for a while but there is a very good chance they will recover, your husband will recover, and they will survive. You are close to indispensable, but you are not. Your understanding of control should reflect that reality.
Fault Ego
But are the husbands not responsible in all this? Yes, they are responsible. I often go back and forth between doing what my wife wants me to do (and thinking I am doing it because of that) and doing what I want to do. And what do I find? I find that they really aren’t that far apart at all. So my wife asked me to change the kitty litter. Do I really think if she wasn’t around I wouldn’t ever change the kitty litter? If I am the stunted mental age of a 12 year old maybe. But I, and all other husbands, are not. We are adults. We are going to change the kitty litter. So, if she reminds me or I get to it first, who cares? She is not a nag when she is helping you do what you would do anyway. That person is called a partner.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word:Marriage
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It’s over a week late and is bizarre, but it’s the final entry in my Makeup series.
Experiment
On the first day of my ‘Makeup’ series I drew this line drawing. I was just letting the drawing lead the way, without a real idea of what I wanted to do. I titled it ‘Makeup is Brand’ because I had started to think about our presentation of self in the world and how, in marketing and PR parlance, Brand identity is basically defined as what people think of you or your company. But I didn’t really know where to go with it at the time and the line drawing, without color, didn’t connect enough to do anything with it. So I went about drawing the other 4 napkins of the Makeup Series and kept this one off to the side. After I was done and had moved on to the next series I decided I would just play with this image. Just experiment with color and pattern. This is the result.
In the meanwhile, what do you think about the idea of ‘Makeup is Brand’?
How many of us with children have watched a TV news report about a child abduction and not said or thought something along the lines of, “If someone ever did that to my child I would hunt him down and torture him to death.”? If so, this movie is for you. The center of the movie is a torture/revenge fantasy for all those who would like to take action in the face of evil but can’t. It’s angry, it’s violent and it’s hard to watch at times.
It’s hard to watch because of the violence, but for me it was equally hard to watch because we as viewers know it’s premature. But we also feel the panic of the parent, knowing they only have so many hours to find the children or it will probably be too late. We would not and could not choose to do what this parent has done, but we wish we could to some degree.
The laconic, world-weary detective in charge of the case, played by Jake Gyllanhall, thinks the main suspect is creepy and knows he was in the vicinity, but he also has no evidence to hold him and believes he is mentally not really capable of pulling off a kidnapping crime like this. The torturer, a rough-hewn blue collar family man played by Hugh Jackman, is convinced that the guy is the guilty party. After he is let go, he kidnaps him and tortures him to exact information about the whereabouts of his child. It doesn’t work as expected but he does come close to destroying his family and the family of the other abducted girl in the meanwhile.
The film is shot in somber tones of grey and brown in low, natural light. With the outdoor locations shot in either driving rain or heavy dark skies and indoor scenes shot in boring living rooms and abandoned buildings the mood is of unrelenting tension and anxiety. What isn’t shot in those conditions is shot at night with it’s accompanying feeling of being lost and unable to discern what is really there and what is the product of a paranoid, angry mind.
The reason behind the movie’s title is evident as the movie moves along. All the characters, not just the abducted girls, are prisoners (mind you, you don’t know if the abducted girls are alive or dead throughout the movie but the title does suggest it might be the case). The parents and siblings are prisoners of the waiting game and of guilt. The detective, covered in telling tattoos, likely has a gang background of some sort, maybe even was in prison himself at one point. Besides that he is a prisoner of a Captain who is not helping his investigation very much, prisoner of a fatalistic mentality, prisoner of having to go by the book. The suspect is a prisoner, his mother is a prisoner, and even innocent (or not so innocent) bystanders are prisoners as well.
Is it a successful movie? Yes it is. The plot is convoluted but believable. The possible directions the story could go are manifold. The script and characters are believable and compelling, playing off each other’s personalities in intense and unexpected ways.
The main deciding factors in whether you might want to see the movie or not are whether you:
Like intense portrayals of anger and personal violence (not guns, but fists and other close up type violence and torture)
Like police work procedurals with evidence and emotion based hunts for criminals.
If it’s not too much to ask, I hope you will take a little look at day #5 of Simplicity Week.
Relative Simplicity
Because simplicity has such a strong definition in people’s minds we tend to forget that it, like many other things, is relative. What is simple for one person is not for another. This is true of clothing and fashion, as I explored yesterday with ‘the little black dress’ idea. It’s also true of food, housing, emotions, science, art, intellectual pursuits, travel, sports and most any other human activity.
Missing Simplicity
Simplicity is missing when whatever you are doing, looking at or feeling is encumbered by distracting and indulgent elements. Simplicity is also missing when you have such a lack and want of substance that you can’t function. If you have too much you can’t see the tree in the forest. If you have too little you don’t have a forest and as a result you have no trees to see either.
Purity
It seems to me that, no matter where your idea of simplicity falls on that relative scale, it is primarily about purity. You can see the beauty if the expressiveness is pure. You can see the equation if the logic is pure. You can see the love when the intent is pure. You can see the culture if the authenticity is pure.
How complex is your simplicity?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is a variation of one by Joshua Reynolds, 1723-1792, English painter who used his skill and networking savvy to create reputations for his clients that set off the modern idea of celebrity.
It’s here in black and white; day #4 of Simplicity Week.
A Definition
In many people’s estimation, the most visually iconic example of “simplicity is the ultimate sophistication” is ‘The Little Black Dress’. If it is not simple, or at least appear simple to the eye, it will by definition not be a ‘Little Black Dress’. If it is too ornate, overdone, or fussy it might still be a black dress and it might still be little, but it will not be a ‘little black dress’. A little black dress is simple and in it’s simplicity it becomes sophisticated.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
The quintessential example is, once again, Audrey Hepburn. She starred in ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ in the 1960s and her LBD (Little Black Dress) style became the instant example of contemporary style and sophistication.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s poster – 1961
Audrey Hepburn – Little Black Dress
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It didn’t start with Holly Golightly though. The LBD started with Coco Chanel. Before her the ornate, overwrought dresses of the Victorian era still said ‘sophistication’ to the general population. She (and others) changed that by creating dresses that were simple in line and decoration.
Original Coco Chanel drawing – 1926
Coco Chanel
Icon
And from then until now it’s been the standard of simplicity AND sophistication in fashion and design.
Grace Kelly – 1954
Jackie Kennedy – 1960s
Sophia Loren – Marilyn Monroe – 1960s
Little Black Dress – 1970s
Little Black Dress – 1980s
Princess Diana – 1990s
Taylor Swift – 2013
What is your favorite example of simplicity being the ultimate sophistication? It doesn’t have to be in fashion, it can be in any field.
It’s a beautiful thing that today is day #3 of Simplicity week!
Function
I saw a quote from Einstein the other day. Now, I don’t necessarily believe he actually said it, since a gazillion quotes are said to be from him that aren’t, but it doesn’t really matter. The quote is this:
Possessions, outward success, publicity, luxury…to me these have always been contemptible. I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best for both the body and the mind.
I disagree with it for a few reasons. One is nothing is ever ‘best for everyone’.
Form
The second reason is illustrated by this interaction from the movie, ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ where a young woman is given a lesson in how her purely functional, non-luxurious sweater actually has its roots in choices made at the top end of fashion luxury. Take a look.
Form and Function
But I love the quote I chose because it allows for both form (beauty) and function (usefulness) to have it’s place in our lives and that if we focus on those two things, both equally valid, we can actually live a simple life.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by William Morris, 1834 – 1896, English writer, designer and artist. A founding participant in the ‘Arts and Crafts’ movement.
Some interesting links on his art, career and influence.
It’s the naked truth – today is day #2 of Simplicity Week
The Naked Traveller Nightmare
Have you ever had a travel nightmare where you are standing at a baggage claim naked waiting for your suitcase to arrive but it never does? It’s a variation on a school nightmare or speaking in public nightmare. I haven’t, but I have had waiter nightmares where I was waiting on people naked, and that was pretty embarrassing and fear inducing.
The Overdressed Traveller Nightmare
Why don’t we ever have overdressed nightmares? Can you imagine a person dreaming of being at a baggage claim with too much clothes on and too many bags? I can imagine it, but I can’t imagine them being filled with embarrassment or fear because of it. More likely they would be frustrated, tired and stressed rather than fearful or embarrassed.
Follow Through
Let’s imagine what would happen if these two people really did show up at the baggage claim like this. One naked with a small carry-on and no luggage, the other overdressed with too many bags. What would actually happen to them? The naked person would be in danger of cold, sunburn, cuts, scrapes, bruises, exposure to the elements, not to mention possible arrest, ridicule and/or unwanted sexual attention. He or she would be limited in where they could go, what they could do, and how they would move forward in life.
The overdressed person with too many bags would be in danger of also not being able to get where he or she is going, or having to pay a lot of money for others to help them get there. They would have to figure out what is appropriate to wear, where to store all the suitcases and the stuff in them. Choose what to change into depending on what event or activity they were going to. And of course cleaning all the clothes. They would worry about the clothes getting old, torn, wrinkled, out of fashion. They could worry about stuff being stolen or ruined. A lot to worry about.
Baggage of Life
Now, let’s abstract this idea out, using it as a metaphor for our emotional, psychological and historical baggage. We come in the world naked, it’s true. But we survive by putting on clothes. We survive emotionally and psychologically by putting on emotional and psychological clothes via life lessons. The question is how much do you continue to carry with you and how much do you leave aside as you go. One key to success is to practice giving up that which emotionally and psychologically weighs you down. The overdressed, overpacked traveler has not learned this lesson. Another key is to hold on to that which emotionally and psychologically is essential to your survival and protection within your world. The naked traveler with no luggage has not learned this lesson.
The path to a successful and happy adulthood is found in being a traveler between the two extremes.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Charles Warner, 1829-1900, American essayist. He is the actual author of the famous quote, “Everyone talks about the weather, but know one does anything about it.” It is commonly misattributed to Mark Twain, who was a friend of Warner’s and used this quote in a lecture.
I will eat my words if today isn’t day #4 of my Makeup Series.
“Makeup can only make you look pretty on the outside but it doesn’t help if you are ugly on the inside, unless you eat your makeup.”
Outside
I am a firm believer that our outsides matter. They matter because we are sensual creatures. By sensual I mean we have senses. We see, hear, touch, smell and taste the world around us, the outside of the world. We get our information, in large part, from those senses. Even the sense that might seem internal, hearing, is just as much about the outside of how a person’s voice sounds, as the actual words they say. For example, if they are said with a grating voice, the internal message of the words can be lost.
Inside
Let’s define ‘inside’ before we go on, shall we? By ‘inside’ I do not mean your liver or ovaries or lungs or spleen or testicles. I don’t mean your heart either. Not your pumping heart at least. I do mean your mind and the heart that resides in the middle of that. That mind and heart inside you matter more than your outside. It’s not all that matters, it is however, what matters most. It matters because outer beauty doesn’t comfort the afflicted. Inner beauty does that. Outer beauty does not feed the hungry. Inner beauty does that. Outer beauty doesn’t take care of an elderly parent, a sick child, a wounded soldier, a devastated town. Inner beauty does that. Outer beauty doesn’t show sympathy, kindness, patience, or forgiveness. It doesn’t love.
Your Inside Edge is Outside
Then what’s the use of outer beauty? Why pay attention to it? Think of it as the outer edge of your inside. It’s not separate from your interior, it’s just the part of your interior that is at the edge, the edge that connects you to other people. You care about your inside world of thought and meaning, then care about how those things move out into the world as well. It’s through your outside edge that it happens.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Audrey Hepburn, 1929-1993, Dutch born American actress.
During WWII, while living in The Netherlands, she changed her name to Edda van Heemstra to allay suspicion about her British roots (her father was British). The story goes that by the end of the war her and her family were reduced to eating tulip bulbs to survive.
She was known, and still is, as one of the most beautiful women in the history of film.
Audrey Hepburn – How To Steal A Million – 1966
And she knew how to use her makeup.
Audrey Hepburn Applying Lipstick Before Academy Awards Presentation – 1954
But she was much more average in outer beauty (as are most Hollywood celebs) than we often realize. She had circles under her eyes, and her other ‘imperfections’, as do we all.
Audrey Hepburn on Broadway in Gigi – 1951
But she was a total beauty because her outer beauty was the manifestation of her inner beauty, her mind and heart. That’s why she was just as beautiful in the photo below as she was in the photos above.
Audrey Hepburn, UNICEF ambassador in Ethiopia – 1988
I am coloring outside the lines in making today #3 of my Makeup series!
Lip Blind
When I was waiting tables in California back in the 80s and 90s I worked with a waitress who argued that lipstick should only go as far as the lip pigmentation, no farther. Unfortunately for her, her lip pigmentation discernibly changed before the edge of her lips. So she always had part of her lips with lipstick and the other part without. It was odd looking, to say the least. That was the one and only time I have ever seen that. More often, then and now, I have seen lipstick that goes well over the edge of the lips. If it’s just a bit over, to catch the light on the edge, that’s cool. But lipstick that is used to completely and drastically reshape the lips? That only works on TV, movies and beauty shoots where the photographer knows how to minimize the recognizability of that discrepancy. Otherwise people wonder why she didn’t wear her glasses when she put on her makeup, or why she thought it was a good idea to put her makeup on in the dark.
I am sold on the idea of making this day 2 of the Makeup series.
The Good
I once did an engagement photoshoot and part of the fun of it was going to the makeup counter before the official shoot with the woman and take photos of her getting her makeup done. I love taking photos of women putting on makeup so it was a real treat. She enjoyed the pampering process and looked like a million bucks afterwards. It didn’t transform her into someone else, it enhanced who she was into another realm for the day.
Here’s a photo from that shoot:
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The Bad
Yesterday I got a comment from an old friend on my FB page in response to my Makeup #1 drawing. It illustrates a different response to the makeup counter.
“When I was in my 20’s I went to Bloomingdales for a free makeover Sounds like fun, right? I enjoyed being pampered, but when all was said and done and they handed me the mirror, I freaked! Felt I looked like a clown and not myself. I literally ran home hoping I wouldn’t see a soul I knew.
She probably felt she looked like this:
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The Ugly
As much as I love makeup on women, there is one type I don’t like at all. That’s zombie makeup. Why? Because rotting flesh is gross, that’s why. I don’t like looking at it. I don’t watch any zombie movies or TV shows for that reason.
Who wants to look at this, anyway?
Nevermind, i don’t want to post it, it’s gross.
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The Hopeful
So, what is the makeup counter all about? The quote is right, it’s about hope. It’s a physical hope that one will be deemed attractive. Maybe by men, maybe by fans, maybe by yourself. It’s the emotional hope that you are worthy. Worthy of love, of affection, of lust, of passion, of attention. It’s the psychological hope that you look older, or younger, or wealthier, or sexier, or more intelligent, or more employable.
And finally, it’s a spiritual hope. Say what? Makeup has a spiritual component? Really? I say yes. It goes way back through history, the fables that prove time and time again that beauty equals goodness. Is it true in real life? I don’t think it is. But it sure is prevalent and subconsciously persistent in almost every culture , even among those who consciously don’t buy into the myth.
After all, you want to look like Cinderella,
Cinderella by Carlos via Flickr
and not her ugly step-sisters, right?
Why is that? Because they are ugly? No, because they are bad. And bad and ugly are intertwined. Be beautiful and you are not just beautiful, you are good as well. Isn’t that how the story goes?
Of course that’s a lie. But lie or not, it still remains a powerful force when looking in the mirror at the cosmetics counter.
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Drawing, photos (unless otherwise marked) and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Charles Revson, 1906-1975, American businessman – founder of Revlon Cosmetics
I am passionate about today being day #1 of my Makeup Series.
I Love Makeup
No, not on me, on women. It’s always been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. It’s decorating, emoting, expressing, playing, lying, pretending, truth-telling, covering, protecting, opining and exposing and since that’s pretty much what art is all about for me, I consider it art. Add to it that it’s being done on the canvas of a living, breathing, thinking person and it’s pretty cool.
I Love Passion
I also love people who are passionate about something. Whether it’s saving the world, being fit, learning or putting on a great party or anything else, I appreciate and respect passion. So, which do I love more?
I love passion more. And guess what? I am pretty sure most people feel the same way.
Can’t Buy Me…
So, I guess the quote above is saying you can’t buy passion at the cosmetic counter, right? You can’t just paint it on, it has to be inside you. And I think that is true – to a point. I do however also feel that how you present yourself to yourself and the world can move you towards passion. It can’t create it in you, but it can set the stage to maybe let it come out easier. Just as being in a conducive environment can bring out your passion, so can being in the right clothes, or putting on the right makeup.
Does makeup help you be more passionate? How so?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Yves Saint-Laurent, 1936 – 2008, French fashion designer
I swear to God it’s day #4 of ‘The Prostitute’ series.
Good Spirit, Bad Flesh
The drawing illustrates the idea that once upon a time religion walled off sensuality and sexuality to such a degree that the wall turned into an entire building that houses the prostitute. The spirit and flesh – one is good and one is bad. Indulging the flesh for procreation is allowed, but indulging the flesh for pleasure is of the devil.
Good Spirit, Good Flesh
But not long before religion did that, it built a different type of building to house prostitutes. In the ancient Middle East, Greece and Rome there were temples where sacred prostitutes had sex with believers and it was seen as divine and good.
A few questions:
How did it come to pass that religion built both types of buildings?
How does religion still contribute to prostitution’s existence, or does it?
Let your Napkin Kin know your thoughts on it.
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Question to yesterday’s answer:
Name the 10 actresses (and the movie they were in) who have won an Oscar for portraying a prostitute.
Today’s Trivia
One of the worlds first poem, ‘Gilgamesh’ (Babylon , 2,000 BCE) contains the first written account of prostitution. Gilgamesh gets a temple prostitute to seduce his rival, weakening him enough so that Gilgamesh is able to beat him in trial of strength. There is no death though. After the fight Gilgamesh and his rival, Enkidu, become best friends.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote By William Blake, 1757 – 1827, English Poet and Artist
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Prisons are built with stones of law, and brothels with bricks of religion
I am married to the idea that it’s day #3 of ‘The Prostitute’ series
The Dichotomy
Knowing who said this quote is essential to understanding it. It was spoken by Jerry Falwell, the Fundamentalist preacher. I think he probably meant it jokingly, as a way of simply saying men should only have sex with their wives. But it brings up so many dichotomies of American culture in its Freudian underpinnings and it is so funny in imagining the scenarios that it’s just impossible to pass up as an literary object of contemplation.
The Good Husband and the Bad Wife
Men, it seems pretty simple – don’t have sex with a sex worker unless she also happens to be your wife. In that case, it’s a good thing. Of course, the fact that she is identified as a sex worker means she not only has sex outside of her marriage but she gets paid for it. Basically the man is moral since he is only having sex with his wife, but the wife is immoral as are all the other men who she is having sex with since they obviously aren’t married to her.
The Good Wife and The Bad Husband
A question – What if the wife is the primary bread winner due to the high income she gets from her sex work? Isn’t the husband just as morally guilty as the wife since he is condoning the prostitution because he knows they need her income?
How would you (or could you) deal with your wife (or husband) being a sex worker?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Jerry Falwell, Religion Worker, 1933 -2007
I calculate that it’s day #2 of ‘The Prostitute’ series.
The Cost of Free
How much have your relationships cost you? We could go into the monetary side of things and calculate how much it all costs that way. Maybe a billion dollars? It seems that way at times, I am sure. But the far greater cost is the emotional cost. If you are a woman, right about now you should be asking, What? Men have emotions? Why didn’t they show them to me?”
The Ignorant Pirate
Yes, indeed men do have emotions. But it’s a lot like a treasure buried on the desert island with a shipwrecked pirate sitting on the beach. He doesn’t even know he has a treasure below him until some big storm roars in and washes away the beach, leaving the chest full of gold pieces exposed. Only then does the pirate realize it’s even there and start to figure out what to do with it. So it is with men and their emotions. Once they do realize they are there, they have to figure out which emotion is which (not nearly as easy as you might think), they aren’t sure how to give them out, who to give them too, and what sort of condition they should have for the giving, if any conditions at all.
The Cost of Complication
All this is very confusing and conflicting and draining for many men. It demands communication and thinking about feelings and what to do about them. It’s complicated, it’s painful, it’s messy. And usually the man has to be pretty competent at it before he sees much intimacy in a relationship. Men who aren’t very good at it, who struggle with it, don’t like the bargain because it doesn’t seem fair or make sense to them. They don’t get it and because they don’t get it it seems like it is costing him a lot. And that explanation doesn’t even touch on the matter of him trying to understand the woman’s emotions, which is even harder than understanding his own at times.
The Cost of Simplicity
So, what does the prostitute bring? She brings simplicity. She won’t ask for emotions he doesn’t have or know how to express or doesn’t want to listen to, and all he has to do is pay her money. In return she will satisfy at least part of his need. It might not be his long term need that is being fulfilled, but he might not really even know he HAS a long term need. What she does is fill a short term need. It’s uncomplicated. He does this simple thing, she in return does this other simple thing. Done.
Peter Pan, or The Cost of Growing Up
So, what’s wrong with this idea? It sounds like I am excusing men going to prostitutes. But I am not excusing it, I am explaining it (at least in part). The truth is, what I think is really at the heart of it all is men not facing growing up. It costs a lot to be mature and responsible and delve into emotions and feelings and hurts and hearts. Men going to prostitutes are wanting the escape to Never Never Land. They want the fun and joy and simplicity of their youth, only in the sexual arena of adult play instead of in the arena of child’s play.
The Benefits of Growing Up
Take a look at my napkin drawing. The right side, the side of the heart, is complicated. It’s got wind and clouds and sun and volcanos and textures and deep colors. The left side is simple, cartoonish. Men, do you really want to live in that simplistic world? Isn’t the world of depth actually more compelling, more invigorating, more arousing? Isn’t it actually where your senses and mind will most be stimulated, most challenged? Isn’t it where you will be most challenged as a true adult? Isn’t it where you will most likely be fulfilled? After all, it’s hard to be fulfilled living in a cartoon.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Brendan Behan, 1923 – 1964, Irish poet
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Prostitution Fact of the Day:
There is no evidence that Mary Magdalen of the New Testament was a prostitute. The unidentified woman who washes Jesus feet is not stated to be Mary anywhere in the Gospels. Evidence strongly points to her having been a leader of the disciples both before and after Jesus life. It was not until much later, when the Patriarchy of the Church established its male dominance as preeminent that Mary started being branded as a harlot.
Here’s a topic I haven’t investigated before. This week I am exploring the idea of prostitution.
Poverty vs Sin
This quote makes sense to me. I can imagine it isn’t easy to decide to become a prostitute. Perhaps some might like it, but I doubt very many. I think the majority are likely to do it because, in their mind, it’s the only real option to avoiding poverty. Of course, with some it might be poverty brought on by drugs or other destructive ways to lose money, but I bet for some it’s just really the only viable option in their minds. I am not saying it is the only viable option, but that it seems that way to them.
I also don’t necessarily think the woman has to think of what she does as ‘sin’. She might think it’s perfectly fine to be in that profession, doesn’t feel morally guilty or wrong. But no matter what she thinks of the profession she is very unlikely to advertise that it is what she does or used to do.
The Retiree
You know what I wonder about? Where do retired prostitutes retire to? What job/career/life do they have afterwards? The first thing that comes to mind is the street walker and how she will likely get a low paying job in the service industry, maybe will go on welfare, maybe will marry an abusive husband, have kids, be addicted to drugs. All of those ideas are cliches. I actually have no idea what a street walker does after she no longer walks the street, do you? After all, do you think she puts it on her resume? Does she openly leave a trail back to that part of her life for others to find? I doubt it. So, how would we know? We wouldn’t.
What about a call girl? Someone higher in the strata of selling her body for money. Maybe she is a college girl earning money for school and after she is done with school she will get a job in her major, forget her life as a call girl and go on to be a middle class woman in America. No one would imagine that is her past based on who she is now, after all how would they know? She won’t be putting it on her resume either. so we don’t really know, right?
Condemnation
Why wouldn’t she tell the world what she used to do? Well, that’s obvious. The reaction would be swiftly condemning from almost all directions. Even if she did get a sympathetic and understanding ear from someone, that same someone is not likely to want to be close friends, associating him or herself with the retiree for all to see. The condemnation and negative consequences would be too severe if it came out. The threat of wider exposure of her ‘sin’ could also lead to possible blackmail, not a fun threat to have hanging over one’s head. The exposure of her former career could lead to men wanting to take advantage of her as a sexual object. It’s pretty clear to see she has a vested interest in keeping it secret.
Acceptance
But if we aren’t to judge but to love, then that includes people who have had professions we don’t like, approve of or understand, right? I doubt I will find out from a friend (or stranger) because of this post that they had been a prostitute in the past. But if I did find out, I would hope I would treat her exactly the same as I had before; with love, kindness, interest and concern about who she was, who she is, who she wants to be and how I can help her.
How would you react?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Sydney Biddle Barrows, 1952 – not dead yet, former escort service owner, currently marketing consultant.
It’s good to have a strong identity, isn’t it. If you don’t, it’s easy to be swayed and pushed and bullied into being someone else, someone the other person wants or needs you to be. That someone else could be a bad person, i.e. “He just fell in with the wrong crowd, that’s why he stole all that stuff.”
Being Secure
It could be you are being pushed by someone who isn’t very secure. To increase that security they want others to be like them, and that makes sense because they become more secure when they see others imitating them. That is how some parents are. But the best parents are secure. They are wanting their kid to be a unique being, not a mini-mom or mini-dad. They don’t need that reinforcement of their identity to compensate for their lack of confidence. They are happy to see their son or daughter find their own way in life, career, relationships.
Celebrating the Unique
They have ideas of what might work for their kid, and they put that forth. But they don’t reject or condemn the child when they become someone different than they are. They celebrate their kid’s uniqueness. That is how they make sure they have happy and secure kids.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Chaz Bono, 1969 – not dead yet, American writer and musician
When it comes to creativity, stopping is the worst thing you can do. Yes, we can get stuck. But, unlike real physical stuckness, in most of our stuck situations we can change our situation, environment, focus, etc. We can leave something behind and come back to it. Hopefully the going away leads to seeing the problem in a new light. If you are a visual artist it can be seeing the cool colors – the greens,yellows and purples – of outdoors instead of the warm colors of your indoor space.
If you are a musician, maybe it’s listening to something you would never listen to, or something you haven’t heard in 20 years, or listening to the sounds of the world of the city instead of the suburbs. Something to mix up your understanding of sound.
Writers can write a story they know will terrible because they don’t know the subject at all. That should unstick them in a hurry.
Relationships
The most important area to realize this lesson is in relationships. Being ‘stuck’ in some aspect of a marriage or partnership is so common as to almost be the norm. Taking steps to change a relationship is scary. It’s easy to be stuck due to fear that unsticking things will get out of control, will change in unforeseen ways, will be painful. But taking action is still the best course of action in spite of the fear.
The question is what creative steps can you take to unstick yourself. Not unsticking the other person, since you don’t really have control over them, but yourself. How can you unstick you? That will most likely lead to the log jam breaking apart. Maybe not right away bit it will happen.
How have you unstuck yourself in the past either creatively or in relationships?
Mr. Xperience sees this happen all the time, how about you?
The End – Husbands and Wives
You hear it often when a woman gets divorced. She lost herself in her husband’s identity, or maybe her kids’ identity. A few years later she doesn’t know who she is anymore. A divorce occurs and she goes on a quest to find herself. It can happen to men as well, though I don’t hear about it as often.
The Start – Friends and Family
But a person who allows themselves to get lost sometimes practiced getting lost a lot earlier in life. Maybe it was an outgoing, dynamic friend who took you under her wing. It seemed great at first but after a while you realize you had become just a shadow presence. Your real identity didn’t come out, just variations on the theme that was your friend’s identity.
Or maybe it was your very strong willed family. Maybe your mother pushed you to be just like her, and because you just never developed the idea from early on that your own interests and personality were worthy of existence, you became a mini-mom.
The Practice
So, how do you not end up lost in another person? You practice being your own person again and again and again. That means you might have to fight for your identity’s right to exist. A lot of people don’t want to fight, they don’t like confrontation. But the price of not standing up for who you are is losing yourself. Is that worth it?
Practicing being who you are with grace and confidence is not the same as doing so with an angry chip on your shoulder though. Communicating honestly, responding calmly, but continuing to do what it is you know you are meant to do, in spite of pressure, is the key.
Last time Mr. Xperience gave you essential advice about sex. Today, he is guiding you in your child rearing. He just wants to help.
My mother told I did this many times on the changing table. She also said more than once she did not block it effectively. I probably should have apologized to her for that.
Moms, has this happened to you? Men, don’t wait to be told this story by your mother. Go apologize to her for peeing so rudely. And now that you have control of your limbs and bladder, lift the seat up before and put it down after.
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This public service announcement provided by Mr. Xperience
