I am starting a new series today called ‘Mr. Xperience Says’. Some lessons and warnings we can hear again and again but it doesn’t take hold until Mr. Xperience tells it to us. They aren’t lesson I in particular learned via Mr. Xperience. Some I did learn that way, others I haven’t had to deal with but I know many close friends who have. Mr. Xperience is a busy man. Ms. Experience is too.
The Mistake
I have a number of friends who have done this, in spite of them being warned by friends and family that it was a bad idea. It wasn’t until Mr. Xperience told them that they really understood how bad an idea it was. It’s amazing how many people only pay attention to Mr. Xperience. It’s even MORE amazing to realize there are some people who never listen to Mr. Xperience and as a result make this and other mistakes again and again. Those people are hard to watch live life. It’s one thing to give advice, see it ignored but then see Mr. Xperience give the advice and it being learned. That is frustrating but at least you know the finally listened to the advice. But when they don’t even listen to Mr. Xperience, that is torture to watch.
My Xperience
I never had sex with my ex. Well, I did before she was my ex, but actually we slept in separate rooms for almost a year before she moved out so we weren’t having sex well before she was my ex, and that just logically continued afterwards. It’s not that we didn’t have the opportunity after she moved out since she had her own house, I had mine. But she wasn’t about to let that happen and I moved on relatively quickly as well.
Tucson
Many years later we spent 5 days alone together in Tucson, Arizona. We had gone there to talk to one of our daughters and try to persuade her into coming home with one of us. We did see her the first day but she got scared off by what turned out to be wrong tactics on our part and didn’t show up the next day for our expected conversation about things. We hung around for a number of days hoping she would show up, talking to her friends and landlord, but she never did. In the meanwhile we spent every day together, driving here and there, eating meals, waiting in this one cafe. We got along pretty well, with only one small tiff, and it was pretty much a version of some of the tiffs we had had during our marriage about child rearing. Not a huge fight or anything, just a difference of opinion.
Reassurance
We also stayed in the same hotel, about 3 doors down from each other. This scenario of course led to a bit of anxiety on my wife Linda’s part. She wasn’t really worried about anything happening between us, but at the same time, if something were ripe to happen, this situation was definitely letting it happen way to easily. So, she had some worries. Each night I called her and reassured her of the truth. The truth was, 1 – I loved her, not my ex. 2 – I didn’t want to have sex with my ex. 3 – she didn’t want to have sex with me, either. This made her feel better. I was very happy to have married a woman who trusted me in that situation.
My ex was (and still is) in a relationship herself. I wasn’t privy to her conversations with her boyfriend, obviously, but it would not surprise me if he had some of the same worries. I might be wrong, she could have spent years railing against me, talking about how much she loathed me, but I never got the impression she did. At the same time, she did divorce me and she never showed any interest in the possibility of getting back together in any way, sexual or otherwise. I don’t know her boyfriend’s personality though, besides him being a nice guy, so I don’t know what their mutual worries or thoughts were about it. Whatever the case, we both spent the days as caring co-parents to our daughter, not as ex-lovers yearning but denying ourselves sex with each other. I am glad of that.
I spent 9 days on the east coast, going to my HS reunion, visiting my sister, an artist friend and my daughter Rebekah and my first Grandbaby, Vivian. But alas, I eventually had to head back to Tulsa. I was excited to see Linda again, it had been a long trip, but I was very sad to say goodbye to Rebekah and Vin. I spent the hours on my flight home drawing.
The Executive
I got into a conversation with the woman across the aisle as we both sat down but I was on the window seat and when my row partner sat on the aisle, the conversation pretty much stopped. Later the woman on the aisle was trying to sleep and wasn’t having a very easy time of it so I traded places with her so she could lean her head against the interior of the plane. By that time the woman across the aisle, Catherine, was reading so I picked up my sketchbook and started to draw her. I captured her face first, then her hands as quickly as I could since I know they were the most likely part of her to change at any moment, which they did. She brought out her laptop and at that point I started drawing the background.
The entire cabin was dark and the light from her screen lit her face in a beautiful way. I wish I had taken a photo so I could remember the lighting pattern now. We started talking again after a while and I found out she was coming to Tulsa for just one day for work. She was an executive with a large software developer and had a series of meetings starting early the next morning. She was tired after a while and laid her head back to sleep.
This is the drawing before I painted and colored it.
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The Flight Attendant
After my aisle mate started napping I noticed the flight attendant sitting in the jump seat straight ahead. She was in the dark, with one single overhead light above her, and some light from the galley on her left. She was looking right at me so I mouthed the words, ‘I am drawing you.’ and she responded with a smile and a thumbs up.
She sat still for almost the entire time I was drawing. There wasn’t anything going on in the cabin, almost everyone was asleep or at least had their eyes closed. She could have easily changed her arm position, crossed her legs differently or adjusted her clothing or hair, but she did none of that. She just sat still and looked straight ahead. Once in a while she would look at me and I would mouth the words for wherever I was at, ‘I am drawing your legs now.’ or “I finished your dress.” I knew she couldn’t hear me since I was actually making no audible sound, but it was obvious she knew what it was I was saying. She sat that way for probably 20-25 minutes, long enough for me to get a thorough line drawing done.
She had to explain her stillness to her fellow flight attendant at one point, and the other flight attendant came over to see how the drawing was progressing. She thought it looked pretty good and gave Jessica the thumbs up. That made her smile. It was very cool and otherworldly to do the drawing almost in complete darkness, almost like a special bond formed between us as a result. I showed her the line drawing after and she was very happy with it. She introduced herself as Jess and we exchanged contact info so I could get the finished drawing to her. Here is the line drawing before I painted and colored it.
And with that we landed, the lights came up and I was able to be greeted by my lovely wife at the airport. It was a wonderful journey meeting old friends, new family, and strangers who became friends.
I love traveling into the past and finding the present.
From awe-inspiring cathedrals of redwoods to baggage-laden scars of human life, no single thing has driven me in more ways than the idea of beauty.
Greek
In Classical Greece (500-323 BC) the word for beauty was Kallos. Later, when Koine Greek (during the Hellenistic period) was spoken, the word was Hōraios, deriving from hōra, meaning hour. The idea of beauty was intertwined with the idea of being at the right moment, the right hour for your particular beauty. Being what you were not, a young man trying to look older, or a older woman trying to look younger, was not beautiful because they were denying their ‘hour’.
That is a lesson about beauty that we still hold on to today. Someone who tries to hard to be young again, with bad plastic surgery or skirts too short, is not usually seen as beautiful. Instead they are seen as perhaps a bit desperate to regain their ‘hour’.
Latin
Bellus was the word in Ancient Rome. Obviously, it’s where the romance languages got ‘Bella’ and other similar words meaning beautiful. In ancient Rome it referred to human beauty, mostly with children and women. As a matter of fact it could be seen as derogatory to men, labeling them effeminate by use of that term.
Words like ‘Bellisima’ (very beautiful) , names like ‘Belle’, and descriptions such as ‘Bella Donna’ (Beautiful lady) all attest to the roots of ‘beauty’ and ‘belle’ being the same.
By the way, Bella Donna also is the name of a poisonous plant, the Deadly Nightshade. So, why is it also ‘beautiful lady’? Because women would put drops distilled from the juice of the plant in their eyes to help dilate them, making them more beautiful according to the style of the era. Also poisoning them to some degree. But then as now, people will suffer to be beautiful, won’t they.
English
Here is how Latin’s Bellus became English’s Beauty; Bellus became Bellitat (Vulgar Latin) became Beltet (Old French) became Bealte (Middle English) became Beaute (Old French replacing Middle English) became Beauty.
It now is used to describe for more than just the appearance of a woman. Most anything and everything can be described as beautiful now. But, at least for me, it still retains a certain element from it’s original definition. The word ‘fine’ kept popping up in the old definitions, and I think that is still true. A person, place or thing that I describe as beautiful will have an element of ‘fine’, ‘exquisite’, ‘elegant’, ‘exalted’, class’ within it’s look. If it doesn’t have some element of those things then I am much more likely to use the words pretty, cute, gorgeous, instead of beauty or beautiful. And of course a person, place or thing can be all those things, including beautiful, at differing times.
This will be spot on for some people, and not for others. I planned it that way.
Sheesh, another drawing of naked people, what’s up with you Marty!? Well, I like naked people. Some of my best friends are naked at least once a day. But beyond that, nakedness is a visual metaphor of our stripped down, exposed self and the cathartic transformation that occurs when we allow it to happen.
That may be something that happens physically, like it did to Megan, a Photographer friend of mine in Massachusetts, who recently decided to go without makeup now for a number of months. She was petrified by the idea but she did it. She stripped herself clean of the mask and went out into the world not knowing what to expect.
This is what she wrote upon posting this photograph:
Before and after. Realized yesterday I have now been through my first whole season with out make up. What a difference it has made not only in the health of my skin but in my happiness as well. I love waking up each morning and facing the world just as I am, never realized how much I was hiding until I took this mask off. I now will wear it every once in a while to go out but other than that I don’t miss it at all and in fact for such a seemingly little thing it really has made a big impact on my life. I feel free from it and look forward to the next three seasons with an all natural face.
There are a lot of things Megan can’t change about herself. Genetically she is pretty much set and short of plastic surgery she isn’t going to change her natural face much. In other words, she has her spots. But she still could do a lot. In the simple act of not wearing makeup she took away some color, and added texture. She took away strong line and exchanged it for more subtle transformations of tone. In other words, she changed the color of her spots.
Reading her statement, it’s about much more than a physical transformation. It’s about a psychological and emotional transformation. She says she is happier. Happiness is not physical, right? It’s about attitude and emotion. She also said she realized she was hiding much. Was she hiding some hideous deformation on her face with the makeup? No, she was hiding something psychologically deeper. While the transformation was physical on the surface, that mask of makeup represented something much deeper and it was facing those deeper issues that was transformative far more than just going without foundation for a day.
Deeper Planning
Just to clarify, the napkin scene above is not related to Megan. She is just an example from among my friends about a physical transformation and she had a recent illustration I thought captured it well.
The Napkin shows a pretty horrendous family scene. It’s fraught with sexual tension, distress and possible abuse. It’s not hard to make the assumption that the family has highly dysfunctional relationships throughout. Who knows what terrible things have happened to make everyone run away in pain. We know all the children are running out into the world with spots. Spots that came from that home, that set of parents. Spots that hurt, spots that scar, spots that fester.
So, how do we go about transforming in these situations? With courage and a deliberate decision to do it.
For example, I have a family spot called alcoholism. The only way I found to deal with it in my own life was to stop drinking. I turned the scotch colored spot to water colored spot (whatever color that is.) I had to choose to change the color of that spot long ago or lose what mattered to me. The spot is still there, but it is pale now compared to the color I initially inherited.
What about you? Perhaps your spot includes a gravy colored spot called eating. Well, you aren’t going to stop eating. But you can transform the color of that spot to green for more vegetables and less gravy. Perhaps your spot is the green spot of envy. What color could that spot be turned into?
What about other spots you would like to transform? Whatever spots you choose, they won’t fade or change colors on their own You have to decide you want to change them, and yourself. You can do it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I wished something would happen. Is that wish a plan? No, it’s a wish. A plan would be setting up automatic transfer from some ‘wish’ account to my own wish account. It would be directly linked to my brain thoughts, would know when I wish something and pay me my dollar. That is a plan.
Planning
What is the difference between wishing and planning? Not much. Planning is just sort of organized wishing. You wish to paint a painting for your mother’s birthday. If you organize that into what to buy or find to paint with, where you are going to paint. and when you will make time to paint, then you have organized the wish, simple as that. It’s still a wish, but you have put legs to it.
Dream, Image and Deed
Long ago I did a series of art pieces called ‘Dream, Image and Deed’. It sort of clarified for me what it took to make something happen. I had to dream (or wish), I had to imagine it clearly by making an image of it (or writing it down, same idea) and then I had to do the deed. The drawing above illustrates that idea.
The key to turning a wish into a plan is to not get caught up in the big picture. You may wish for an around the world trip, but you aren’t actually putting that in action. All you are really doing is the first step, which might be to figure out the stops you would like to make. That is a wish and it’s a plan. You keep doing the next little step, until you can’t do any more steps. If it ends before your trip, then you adjust the dream to be only half way around the world and back, or whatever it takes for you to continue to take steps.
The saying when you are being taken advantage of without you really knowing it is, ‘You’re being played.’ It means someone is manipulating you to achieve an end of their own. They make it seem like it is in your best interest, maybe even that it was your idea. But unbeknownst to you, the real goal doesn’t take you into consideration. You will be left behind when you are no longer needed. You might even be damaged or hurt. That’s being played.
Being Planned
If you don’t know what you want in life, if you don’t make some effort to go in that direction, you are going to find yourself being a chess piece in someone else’s plan for their own life.
An example: The daughter who is ‘forced’ by her parents to get a law degree when what she sort of liked was art. But she didn’t know herself very well, didn’t think her ideas of what she wanted to do were valid or useful (because her parents said so) and so she bowed to the pressure and got her law degree. She grew old resenting her brother for having the courage to withstand the parental pressure and become a salesman instead of the doctor they wanted him to be. She blamed her parents, her school, America, capitalism, and her gender. But she never realized the real reason was she didn’t know herself, didn’t trust herself enough to say, ‘this is who I am and this is what I want to be.’ She was afraid, and maybe lazy. She was afraid of not living luxuriously. She was worried about putting out so much effort to achieve her dream. She was tired just thinking about it. And so she ended up living the life her parents wanted her to live, for their reasons, not hers. She was a bitter and angry woman later in life, never knowing it was her decisions that made her like that, no one else.
Naked to the World
Why are the people in this drawing naked? Because others can see through us. They can see when we are being who we want to be, who we plan to be. And they can see us when we are hollow shells, waiting to be filled by someone else’s idea of a life. I would rather be courageous and say ‘This is my plan.” and be seen in all my planned glory than to be a coward and live someone else’s ideas and life and STILL be seen naked to the world. Because, if I am seen naked as me, then the criticisms and compliments are things I can actually listen to. I can evaluate them knowing they are at least based on something real.
If I am a lie, then criticisms and compliments aren’t ever about me. I am not connected to them, I can’t be helped or encouraged by them. It’s as if they are talking to or about someone else. And they are.
What is your plan for your life?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is an American Proverb
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SXSW
Don’t forget, I am in need of votes at the 2014 SXSW PanelPicker site. I have a workshop proposal called ‘The Compelling Image in the Age of Social Media’ that I would love to present in Austin next March. Part of the decision making process (30%) is having SXSW members vote for the proposals they would like to attend. You do have to register, but it’s painless and if you are involved in Social Media and interactive online world in any capacity the conference would be worth finding more about.
Please vote here —–> SXSW PanelPicker and then amplify the proposal across your social media world if you are able!
I went to visit my daughter Caitlin this weekend. She lives in Dallas and attends Watermark Church. I went to the early service with her then decided to hang out out in the big spacious lounge/lobby area for about 2 hours (instead of trying to find a coffee shop nearby) while she helped lead a 7th grade girls group. I spent my time drawing.
The Deep Conversation
The Conversation
The first drawing was in my sketchbook. I was in the outdoor patio area and noticed three people having a pretty intense conversation. It seemed like they might be there a while so I thought I might be able to get a good drawing out of it.
The woman on the right was the object of the conversation. It was obvious the other two were discussing some issues with her. What about, I didn’t know. While I drew, her 2 young children, one a barely walking toddler and the other perhaps a 3 year old, were getting curious about me and my drawing. The baby came over and offered me a cheese cracker. I took it and thanked her. She took an interest in my back pack so I showed her the snap clasp that held the flap closed. She watched with delight as I snapped it open and closed.
Soon the 3 year old came over and wanted to try his hand at the clasp. He handed me a sponge dinosaur so he would be hands free. He quickly took the dinosaur back, ripped his head off, then gave it back to me. The young boy snapped the clasp again and again while the little girl looked on, either at me, the clasp or her crackers.
The trio in conversation looked over to be sure the kids were ok, and I reassured them they weren’t bothering me. Meanwhile another child, perhaps 6 years old, started hovering. I could tell what she was doing so I turned and told her it was ok for her to watch me draw. She liked that and stood a respectful distance and watched. After I finished the line drawing I showed it to the little hovering girl and she quietly said she thought it was good. I appreciated that.
By that time the conversation was winding down. The woman on the right came over to retrieve her toddler and I showed her the drawing. She liked it quite a bit and I gave her my card so she could email me and get a copy of it.
I hope whatever life events she is going through, that she got help and support from the other two. I got the feeling she was dealing with whatever it is pretty well. I wish her the very best.
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Jamie and Jill
I had another hour to wait at that point so I went inside to get out of the heat, and perhaps find some other people to draw. There are TV screens in the big lounge area showing the service and a number of people were sitting and watching. I knew that probably gave me at least 45 minutes of drawing time so I settled in and started drawing 2 woman sitting at a tall table.
This time I decided to use a napkin I had with my coffee.
The church has a very wide array of styles among those in attendance. T-shirts, jeans, shorts, sandals, and tank tops were in abundance. These two women were were dressed classier than most, combining high heels and casual tops together really well. I was lucky in that they sat still for almost the entire time, with only the changing of which leg crossed which messing me up a bit.
I showed the drawing when I was done and the sermon was over. They were a bit wary of me, just some random guy drawing them. But I gave them my card anyway, just in case they want to see the final drawing. They expressed enthusiasm once they saw the card and said they were looking forward to sharing it among their friends. They are Jamie and Jill.
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The Lobby
Then church let out, the middle school kids got out, the elementary school kids were picked up and it was a zoo.
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I love drawing people and getting to know them as I do. There is something about the slow, methodical visual investigation of line, color, shading, activity, expression, that allows me access to who they are in a way photography doesn’t. I love photography, but I like drawing as well.
I planned this post for yesterday, which it is – if you read this tomorrow.
Dreaming your Plans
Are you allowing yourself a dream? I don’t mean the ‘I ate a cookie and it turned into a pink tutu in my stomach and flew out my butt and became a butterfly and talked to me about the African Lowland Gorilla needing cookies more than I do’ dream. I don’t mean that kind.
I mean the real life dreams. Do you allow yourself those dreams? Or do you think you don’t deserve one? Maybe you had your dream shot down and don’t want to dream again? Maybe you have been told so many times dreaming is for losers, just go and do your work and shut up about stupid dreams. Or maybe you fill your mind with other people’s dreams instead of your own. Remember, without a dream, very likely you won’t ever have a plan for anything. It all starts with a dream, so allow it.
Planning your Dreams
Are you planning your dreams? I don’t mean the ‘I dreamt I had a sock around my wrist and there was a baby alligator coming out of it with a bobblehead doll of my 3rd grade teacher in it’s teeth who was singing an oratorio in a Donald Duck voice while wearing a mankini’. I don’t mean that kind.
I mean the real life dreams. Are you planning those?
Do you dream of downsizing and having less ‘stuff’? Are you planning on how you will actually get rid of that stuff?
Do you dream of being a size 8 again? Are you planning on how to make that dream happen?
Do you dream of making new friends who are more like you than the stuffy people you know at work or church or the country club? Have you joined that nudist rock climbing group yet? Have you auditioned for the community theatre yet? Have you taken that bow hunting class yet?
Do you dream of contributing to your home town somehow? Have you looked into that school mentoring program you heard about last year? Have you called the hospice society who helped out your uncle in his last days?
What are your dreams for becoming who you want to be? What is your plan to make that happen? Do you think you will become it without a plan, without a dream? You won’t you know.
If you can dream it, you can plan it. If you can plan it, you can make it happen.
I am starting a new series – The Napkin Dad Profiles. There won’t be a timetable for it. I will post them when I have the material, hopefully once a month. It will be someone I admire and think has lived an interesting life. Some will be well-known I suppose, others won’t be. But whether you have heard or seen them before or not, I think you will find them worth getting to know.
Michelle Linn
I drew this during a lunch I had with Michelle at Laffa, the awesome Medi-Eastern restaurant in Tulsa’s Brady district. We had just come from seeing the ‘Oh, Tulsa! Biennial’ at Living Arts, in which I had two photo-collages, one of which was of her. I created a variation of the photo-collage (below) in the background of this napkin drawing.
Michelle has been in Tulsa a number of years, anchoring the Fox23 Daybreak News show, having most recently having come from a morning news position in Columbia, Missouri. She replaced a very popular anchor here in Tulsa, which is always hard to do, but has succeeded in winning over the audience with a natural mix of curiosity and joy about Tulsa and Oklahoma.
We had a great lunch, catching up since the last time we spent time together, back when I did the photoshoot for the collage.
The Morning Anchor – Visual Poem #8
Open Mind, Open Heart
As you can see, Michelle was up for anything in the shoot, trusting me no matter what I asked. What I asked included having her contort her face in all sorts of ways, having her lay down on the grass outside the museum and let me stand over her photographing her up and down, letting me take photos of her feet with one shoe on and one shoe off, (see below) and most amazing of all for a news anchor used to wearing TV lights style makeup, letting me photograph her with no makeup on at all.
This willingness to put herself in my hands creatively told me she is open minded and creative herself. Which I learned is true when we sat down to eat. She didn’t bat an eye at trying food she had never tried before. She didn’t bat an eye at sharing her dish and trying mine. In the gallery she looked at many different art pieces beside her own. She liked some more than others, some pieces she understood easily, other’s not so easily. But it was her wonder that was apparent, not her judgment. It’s probably one of the main reasons she is such a good reporter and anchor, especially for a morning show, since it requires a genuine openness and curiosity about people, places and things.
Michelle, no makeup
Half and Half
So, here was the creative & fun part of Michelle coming out. She modeled a bit with no makeup on while I took a series of photos for my photo collage ideas. As you can imagine, I take a LOT more photos than I end up using in my collages, so it took a while for me to be satisfied I had enough ‘before makeup’ pics. She then went into the ladies room to put on her makeup for the second half of the shoot. I was just hanging out looking at art work when she came out quicker than I thought and said, ‘Hey, I thought this might be fun. I only put makeup on half my face so you could take some of me half and half.’ How cool was that?! And so I did.
Michelle, half and half
The Individual
Her personal life is sort of like this. She is a hard working anchor on a local TV station AND a mother of 4 young children. She has a marriage that works really well, helping her juggle it all. Her husband, Bud, is a SAHD (Stay At Home Dad), doing all things domestic. It’s an unconventional lifestyle in the midwest/southern area of the country and isn’t always understood by family and friends. But it works great for them, and that’s what counts. No matter the initial opinion, they tend to win people over by the happiness and love in their relationship and how well their children are blossoming within the family structure they have created.
When we were done with that set she went back in and put makeup on the other side. Just the fact that she could do that so well was pretty amazing.
Michelle, with makeup
Portrait
When I ask a person to collaborate on one of my art/photo projects I try to spend some time creating classic portraits that they can use for whatever purposes they have in exchange for their contribution. Perhaps it is a head shot for a resume and CV, or maybe something for a husband or wife. In Michelle’s case, she already had head shots done by her station so this was done just for her personal use, however she saw fit. It ended up as her Facebook profile pic. I am very proud of that.
She’d rather be in the sun
The Sun Worshipper
One thing to know about Michelle is how much she loves the sun. One of the reasons she loves the morning shift on TV is that she is off in the afternoon, ready to hit the pool with her 4 little kids all summer long. There was a time during this summer when the news cycle went crazy and she had to work really long hours away from Tulsa. She was ok with it because it’s her job, but when it looked like it might continue on throughout the entire summer she started to hyperventilate a bit! She really wanted that summertime time before the kids had to go back to school! She got the balance back just in time and a true crisis was averted.
And finally, Michelle is always the epitome of professionalism, but that doesn’t means she doesn’t know how to be in individual in her style. She likes her color!
You can see Michelle at work by tuning into Fox23 (channel 5) Daybreak 6am and 10am.
Reunions are all about visiting the past while in the present. One of my most anticipated moments of the weekend was not about seeing my old friends. It was about seeing my old town. Yes, I was going to be driving around and seeing it. But what really excited me was to do a long run around it. I am training for a marathon and knew I would need at least a 10 mile run that weekend. So why not spend some time in advance planning out a route that would take me by some of the spots I wanted to see, even some spots I had never seen before. I planned it to start from my hotel using the Dailymile.com site where I record my runs. If I planned it right I would go by some spots I had never seen and some familiar places and get back to the hotel in time to greet my BFF from back in the day, who was coming down from Rhode Island on Sunday morning for the last day of the reunion.
At 7:15 I was out the door and ready to run. Beautiful morning air, the sun just up over the trees and I was happy.
One of the best things about running in a new place is not what you expect to see, but the joy in seeing the unexpected. My first ‘I have to stop and take a picture’ moment was a flock of wild turkeys meandering around a riding ring. I wanted to sneak up further on them to get a better shot but time and the road called me on.
I turned the corner from the turkeys and immediately found this 1850s tombstone in an even older graveyard. One thing that sets New England apart from much of the more westerly parts of the US is how OLD it is. Yes, we have graves this old in Oklahoma and California, but we don’t have little neighborhood cemeteries that are about 3 house lots wide (if that) being such an integral part of the present as you find here.
And then there is this scene. Can you ask for a more picturesque example of a Connecticut waterway? This is Five Mile River and somewhere along it (I don’t remember where) we had our boat docked for a number of summers. I ran along this little lane, stopping beside two local folk who were walking their dog (and also taking pictures). We talked for a few moments as we took some shots, me telling them of my fond memories for the area and being at the reunion. Then they waved me adieu and off I went.
But not before stopping quickly to take a shot of one of the beautiful homes looking out on the scene I showed you above.
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Julie
When I stopped to take the shots above I noticed a woman running up upon me. I started running as she passed and we struck up a conversation. If you know me, there is nothing I love more than meeting new people in unexpected ways and connecting to them. I love meeting people in airports, resorts, restaurants, stores, and on the road. It doesn’t matter where. The odder the place and circumstances, the better.
And so it was with this woman, who I found out was named Julie. As we ran side by side we told each other our running history. She had run in the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco a few years back with her sister. I asked her if she was in training for another race. She chuckled and said her reason for running now did not have such an exalted goal attached to it, “I am a stay-at-home mom of one & a half year old twins. I run to escape!” I understand what she meant.
We ended up running together for 4 miles. She knew the area and so I basically forgot my map route and just let her lead the way as we talked. I told her why I was in Darien for the weekend and she told me she had also gone to the High School, having graduated in 1999. That meant she was just a year older than my oldest daughter, Rebekah, whom I was going to be visiting a few days hence. Rebekah had just given birth to my first grandchild so Julie and her were in almost the exact same place in life. Knowing she had gone to DHS in the late 90s I asked her if my friend, Bruce Hall (see part 1) had been her principal at the time. He had been and she was happy to hear he was doing well. She didn’t know his mother Helene, but she enjoyed hearing me tell her about what a great woman she is.
I, of course, wanted to take her picture as a memento of our serendipitous run together. She wasn’t too hot on the idea due to her being in her ‘I just woke up and ran out the door’ look. But I loved that look, she was energized and alive and beautiful in the best sort of way, and she granted me permission to take the pic.
Funny coda to my Julie story. A few days after I returned I got an email from Bruce saying he had taken his dogs for a walk and had run into an old student of his out for a walk with her twins. She greeted him and told him about having a run with some guy who happened to know him. A small world indeed.
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Church and Girls
My parents didn’t go to church but my best friend Jim’s family did. I started going to the local Congregational Church with them in about 1969 or so. I wasn’t religious (I’m still not) but I love ideas and conversation and church is always a good place for both. Of course at my age then (about 14-15) I loved girls more than ideas or conversation. And Jim and I discovered two girls at the church that we liked a LOT!
Meridith became Jim’s girlfriend and Frances became mine. They were from the other Jr. High, Mather, and thus were ‘exotic’. We were cool to have girlfriends from the other school. We also incurred the wrath of some of the boys from that school, but we didn’t care. Anyway, the boys who hated us then became great friends in High School.
And Meridith and Frances? Well, Jim and Meridith dated quite a while, well into High School. Frances and I didn’t last all that long as BF/GF but we remained great friends throughout High School and beyond. They both turned out to be wonderful woman whom Jim and I are still connected to in the best of ways, as dear, dear friends.
Meridith, now and then
Meridith didn’t make the reunion, but I visited her in Seattle in 2011 and got this shot of her.
Frances, now and then
Frances was at the reunion and I got this shot of her at the Sunday picnic
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Home
The last stop on my running tour was my old home. I had already driven by it but I took a bit of time to really look at it this time. They had changed some things, it has an odd stucco siding on it, something that looks great on a Spanish or California style house, but looks very odd on a simple New England style box.
As much as the house was interesting to see, bringing back memories of sneaking out late at night (or as Frances told me at the reunion, the time Meridith and her snuck out and drove over in their pajamas to hang out with us), it really was the entire street that brought back the sweetest memories. Memories of walking our beautiful Samoyed dog named Vodka (we had alcohol troubles in our family, can you tell?) down the street and back. Memories of the woman who lived behind us and the cat she ran over that I tried to save as it bit my finger in a jaw death grip before it passed away.
Memories of various cars in the driveway, including a Volkswagon Campmobile with a fold down bed. Parents, it might not be the wisest idea to give your teenage son access to such a car. I’m just sayin’…
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Jim
I made my way back to the hotel, figuring I would be back right about the time Jim arrived from Rhode Island. And sure enough, as I ran up to the hotel entrance, Jim was walking up at the same time. He had even passed me on the main drag and figured it was me finishing my run.
Jim and I met when his mother forced him out of his house one afternoon, telling him, ‘Go meet the new kid down the street and don’t come back expecting dinner until you do.’ He walked down Shady Acres Lane and did. We were best of friends from then on. It was a great relationship. His family and home were a refuge for me during some trying family times. His parents were accepting and loving and seemed happy to have me around, even as I tried their patience with some of the mishaps I brought with me.
I am not sure what my house and family offered him, but I did have an older sister who, along with her bevy of best friends, were the hottest girls of the class 2 years before us. For a teenage boy, that’s a pretty good reason to hang around a friend’s house.
We went on spring break road trips together to Florida (during high school no less), spent summer vacations together now and then in Montauk, Long Island and Fire Island off of Long Island. We went on winter skiing adventures to Vermont, me learning nothing about proper skiing form and hitting trees left and right, him learning to avoid the trees with a bit more technique and by watching me. We, along with his older brother Michael, learned to fly airplanes together, yes real airplanes. We were members of the Sky Life Flying Club starting at age 13 and learned to fly little Cessna 150s and 172s. We took Transcendental Meditation together, smoked pot together, learned to drink together. We learned about girls together.
In 1979 we got married within 2 weeks of each other, both attending each other’s wedding. Within short order we had 3 kids each, not too far apart. I am the first to have a grandbaby but I suspect he will have one relatively soon and catch up with me.
It’s great to have an awesome friend like Jim throughout the years.
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You can read and see more of my trip to the East Coast here:
I am trying to land a speaking gig at the 2014 SXSW Interactive Conference. I am in their ‘PanelPicker’ process. Meaning I proposed a photography workshop and now people vote on it. There are THOUSANDS of proposals so I need to rally my Napkin Kin to vote for me. So, would you be able to vote for my photography proposal for SXSW? Here is the link.
You do have to register so that sucks but it’s painless at least. If you aren’t comfortable registering, perhaps you can amplify the link on your social media channels. That would be very cool, either way. THANK YOU!
I am starting a 12 week fitness challenge with my wife and daughter today. Caitlin actually started it last week but I couldn’t get my act together that soon after my trip back east so I am starting a week after her.
Time vs Excuses
Having delayed it a week it was easy to start to think of reasons not to do it this week either. I have this run schedule. I have this weekend trip. I have this lack of groceries. I have this confusion about the program. Maybe I need more time.
But I don’t need more time, I need less excuses. I needed to measure myself. I needed to have pictures taken. I had to figure my goals. I had to read up on nutrition. I had to figure out what I have, and what I need, to make it happen. I needed to join the gym. All things that are not part of my daily napkin dad life and sort of a hassle.
But doing these things is a commitment. I am telling myself that I am implementing a plan by taking these steps. Without these concrete steps, it’s just a ‘one day’ plan.
What is your plan?
Does it have a date attached to it? If not, it’s a ‘one day’ plan.
Does it have real concrete steps to take? If not, it’s a ‘one day’ plan.
Are you accountable to anyone? Have you told anyone of your goal? If not, it’s a ‘one day’ plan.
And a ‘one day’ plan is no plan at all.
Let’s hear one step in your plan. What is it?
Speaking of a PLAN
WHO WANTS TO VOTE FOR ME? I am wanting to share some cool stuff with the peeps at SXSW next March. I have proposed a 2 1/2 hour workshop on photography, an extended version of the presentation I gave at Social Media Tulsa earlier this year. If you liked that presentation, or if you just want to see me go to Austin and do something cool, vote for this proposal, ok? THANKS!
The quote was found in a book (The Book of Positive Quotations’) given to me by one of the runners I coach. She came up to me with the book as a gift and said, “I found you online. I didn’t realize you were so infamous!” I thought that was the coolest thing. I like being infamous almost as much as being famous. The fact that I am actually neither is immaterial in my mind! hahaha
Linda and I saw a really good movie last night, ‘The Way Way Back‘. It’s a coming of age story about Duncan (Liam James), the awkward teenage son of Pam (Toni Collette – one of my favorite actors), on vacation with her and her new and insufferable boyfriend (Steve Carell) at his summer home. Great characters abound, including Allison Janney as Betty, the boozy, cleavage showing neighbor, her sensitive teenage daughter Susanna (AnnaSophia Robb), Sam Rockwell as Owen, a very likable cutup from the local water park, and Maya Rudolph as his put upon co-worker, Caitlin.
Duncan is the most awkward teen you can imagine. He doesn’t know how to talk to anyone, much less girls. He doesn’t know how to express his disdain for the boyfriend and his pouty daughter. He doesn’t know how to tell his mother she is more of an adolescent teen than he is. He’s pretty much disgusted with the world and himself and lets it show.
He meets Owen playing Pacman at a pizza parlor and later meets him again at the Water Whizz park (where he shows up in button down shirt and jeans, completely out of place). The park becomes his secret refuge from the dysfunctional beach house and his first real foray into being a confident, happy teenager.
It has some predictable elements of a coming of age story, but not to enough of a degree to ruin it. The characters and the sweetness of the 2 teenage leads carry the movie and make it worth seeing. Since the cinematography isn’t spectacular or unique, it’s the kind of movie you can rent or watch on Netflix instead of in the theatre, if you are so inclined.
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On a related note
With 10 minutes left in the movie, an entire entourage of at least 12 people, all grown adults, and seemingly family related to each other, came into the theatre, stopped IN FRONT OF THE MOVIE, and started to talk about where they wanted to sit. They were big and loud and slow and sat all over the theatre, plopping down right next to complete strangers in the darkened theatre, all the while talking to those still standing up, telling them where else they could sit. With about 2 minutes left in the movie a usher came in and told them they had to leave, which they did, AS THE MOVIE REACHED ITS CLIMAX! To say it was distracting is an understatement.
We came out at the end of the movie and complained to a cop (yes, a cop) who was in the walkway. The whole crew of people were sitting on benches waiting to go in and they gave us the stink eye as we walked by. It was so absurd to think not one, not two, but at least a dozen full grown adults, could all think it ok to walk in and do that. Teens? I would be pissed but understand they are idiots who don’t know better, YET. But adults? One old enough to have a CANE? I mean, really. come on.
Anyway, AMC was kind enough to give us passes for another show, and we appreciated that. It still floors me though.
Friday night, Aug 2nd, 2013, Linda and I went to the opening of ‘Oh, Tulsa!’ Biennial, a group exhibition featuring work that both celebrates and critiques the city of Tulsa. I had 2 pieces included in it. The first is a photo of me in front of my collage of Tulsa’s KJRH Channel 2 new reporter and anchor, Marla Carter. The second is of Michelle Linn from Fox23, also in Tulsa. These are a part of an ongoing series I have been doing since 2009 called ‘IN Public/Private’ of reporters and anchors I meet in my media travels.
The Tulsa Evening Anchor – Visual Poem #8
Marla and Michelle both were extraordinarily willing to follow my vision for the shoots. They came with NO makeup on (not the usual situation for a TV personality) and let me photograph them that way. They then both put on their makeup as if there were getting ready for the TV lights. Michelle actually came out of the Philbrook Museum bathroom with half her face made up and half still natural just because she thought it looked cool. My kind of model! We did a whole series of shots like that that were great fun.
The Tulsa Morning Anchor – Visual Poem #6
I ended up submitting these two collages for the show since they focused on the personality of Tulsa via those who report about Tulsa to the rest of us.
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The Red Eye to the Past
I wanted to attend the opening but my High School reunion was starting that same night, 1,500 miles away in Darien, Connecticut. I spent my teenage years there, after being raised on the beaches of Southern California. It was a culture shock to say the least, but I adjusted (and they adjusted to me) and I had a fantastic Jr. High and High School experience in that town.
I choose to go to the first hour of the exhibition opening, catch a late flight to Denver then take the red eye flight to NYC, rent a car, get some shut eye, then be there for the majority of the weekend festivities. It was going to mean a likely all nighter, but you only live once so why not.
So, with about 3 (maybe) hours sleep, I did this first thing in the morning. I got a couple hits, scored a couple runs, ran down and slid all over the outfield trying to catch fly balls. The softball game was a fun way to break the ice and play instead of having to immediately go into ‘This is who I am now, who are you?’ mode in conversations.
I had on my Texas Rangers hat. Caitlin, my Texas girl, would be proud that I was representing!
Actually that was after a tour of the new high school. It was a new school, not resembling anything close to our old school, except that it was on the same land, so while it was fun to walk around and shoot the breeze with people, it didn’t really bring back memories as it would have if it was the old school. Still, it was nice seeing our town was continuing to grow and move forward.
The Younger Woman
After the game I knew I needed to get in a nap before the big soiree later that night. But before I did I had a few people I needed to see. First I stopped by the house of a dear friend from High School, Julie Kudenholdt. She was a few years behind me. We dated briefly my senior year but alas, as usual, we lost touch over the decades. But Facebook brought a lot of old friends back together, and she was one of them.
It turns out her beautiful home backs up onto the woods behind our first house in Darien. You can even see our house through the woods during the winter. Julie and her husband Steve were incredibly gracious when I visited, especially considering they had a pool party happening for their daughter, Julie’s mother was just leaving after celebrating her birthday, and Julie’s sister was visiting as well. But no matter; they welcomed me, fed me and we had a great time talking about then and now. Julie is reviving a dormant acting career, being featured in a number of indie projects in NYC. It was great to meet her family and see how she had still retained that beautiful sense of joy, wonder and curiosity about others that I had admired 40 years earlier.
One of the best aspects of the visit was not how the older adults welcomed me, but how the plethora of 21 year olds in bathing suits did. Their daughters and friends were confident, gracious, well-mannered and polished. They spoke well and looked me in the eye. It was a nice reminder of one of the best aspects of my upbringing in that town. We learned how to be confident and act like adults among adults. I appreciate it a great deal now that I look back on it years later.
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The Artist
I then went to visit one of our family’s dearest friends. We moved to Darien in the first place because this family lived here. My mother had met Helene Hall in a grocery store in Hagarstown, Maryland back in the 1950s. They had become friends due to their humor and sass, which they both had in abundance. Helene was an artist and a former show girl in NYC. My mother was a debutante from a wealthy family who nevertheless made merciless fun of the pretentions of that world. But she was refined in her appreciation of art and connected to Helene from then on.
When our family was going to make the move to the east coast, my mother naturally wanted to live near Helene, who had moved to Darien with her husband Floyd and son Bruce, and so we did as well.
Helene was instrumental in my art education and inclination. Starting at age 13 she was always encouraging me in practical ways to create and understand art. One of her most enduring lessons came when she took me into New York City to the Museum of Modern Art. We were there to see a Picasso sculpture exhibition. But they were made out of cardboard, and paper, and junk. They were not made out of what sculpture was suppose to be made out of. And, as one often hears from people who don’t understand art, I said to her, “I could do that!” while looking at one of these supposedly easy to create pieces. She stopped me right then and said, “Ok, then do it. I challenge you to get whatever material you want, and make a sculpture. Then explain to me why you made it and what it’s all about.” I accepted the challenge, went home, bought some material, mostly thick gauge metal wire and proceeded to start making a sculpture. I would show her.
But I didn’t show her. She showed me. I never did finish the piece. It hung around in our basement work bench until I finally threw it away, just a bunch of junk taking up space. It was that practical lesson that taught me in real life what she had told me at the museum in response to my ignorant dismissal of Picasso’s work. She said, “What matters isn’t IF you can make it. What matters is if you DO make it.” And I realized then that art derives from an idea, from a passion, from an understanding of something and from a desire to understand something even deeper. it isn’t primarily about material or technique. It’s primarily driven by the idea. I have never forgotten that and I always try to keep the idea, no matter who fractured it is, close to the essence of my images.
Helene Hall and her son, Bruce Hall
Helene Hall and Me
Here is Helene today, 96 years old, nearing the end but still filled with life and love. I made sure I told her how important she had been to my art life. Her son, Bruce, laughed when I did and said, “You know what’s funny? My best friend says almost the exact same thing to Helene each and every time he comes to visit.” Helene knew how to inspire and push art out into the world in her own work and in her friendships with others. I am trying to emulate that same spirit in my life and art as well.
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You can read and see more of my trip to the East Coast here:
While I was on the east coast last week I took time to visit a woman I have been wanting to meet in person for quite a long time. I told you about her in my ‘Artists I love’ series. She is Nina Levy, a fantastic sculptor and a fellow napkin draw-er on-er. I had planned to visit her last year when I spoke at the 2012 NY Blog World Conference but wasn’t able to find the time.
I drove to Nina’s from my sister’s house on Long Island on my way down to Virginia. It was the first time I had driven in NYC in decades. It was a breeze. I shouldn’t have been doing this while driving but I couldn’t help myself.
Nina lives in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn with her husband, who is a professional fine wood craftsman, and their 2 sons.
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The Napkin Mom
As I came in the gate I saw Nina’s famous cargo bike by which she transports her sons all over NYC.
They are getting bigger now and going over the bridges to Manhattan from Brooklyn isn’t as easy as it once was. Here is a napkin drawing she did of her doing that exact thing in the middle of winter.
Once inside we hung out in her loft home and talked ‘napkins’. We use the same markers for the most part and compared notes on those and paper types other than napkins. We both were in agreement that while most people don’t like the idea of how absorbent napkin paper is for markers, we are very used to it and we actually find typical paper harder to work on.
As you can tell, Nina has a beautiful and expressive face. It was great to meet her in person just to enjoy that animated aspect of her personality.
In addition to the usual superhero drawings she does for her sons, she also does portraits of them.
Here is a napkin drawing her her Ansel, her youngest.
And here is a portrait of Archer, her oldest.
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Nina’s Studio
After we were done talking napkins, we went downstairs to her sculpture studio. I feel a strong connection to Nina in part because she has a split art personality, just like I do. She does her napkins and she does her sculpture, just as I do my napkins and my photo-collages.
Her most recent piece is this mother and child. Note the HUGE heads in the background and hanging from the ceiling. She quite often works large in a variety of materials. Each one is painstakingly molded and painted. It takes months and months to do a piece like you see here.
I love this photo of her and her piece and it inspired me to make my napkin drawing later that night.
Mother and Child
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More Nina
She has lately been doing small 3D studies of figures and creatures, one a day is her goal. They are in part an extension of the napkin work she does for her sons (mostly super heroes they happen to like) and part small scale experimentation in figurative work related to her larger work.
Nina and Ansel
Here are a few more shots of Nina’s studio and her work.
Heads
I love this sculpture of a woman with ‘man hands’. I almost captured Nina in the background in the same position. I also like the hanging figure in the background quite a bit.
One of my bucket list items is to one day have a two person exhibition with Nina of our napkins. I will let you know if it comes to fruition!
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If you would like to see more of her Napkin work you can do so at my first blog post about her
We went on an outing to debut Vivian to Rebekah’s colleagues. She is a Ph.D. candidate in neuroscience at George Mason University so we were visiting her lab.
First we went out for lunch (a big deal with a 3 week old) and all went fine as she slept through the meal in the cozy little wrap.
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This is Vivian and Beka being inspired by ancient Greeks and Romans.
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This is what Rebekah does. She studies the brain. Her poster on the right is some simplistic study titled, ‘Regional differences in intrinsic excitability and dendritic morphology of medium spiny neurons during stages of habit learning’. Such a slacker.
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Here is the lab’s ‘stimulation station’. A LOT of coffee, tea and snacks propel the world of neuroscience!
Stimulation Station
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Before getting down to business Beka gets a baby gift from her colleague, Sarah. Beka was at the lab in part to hand off some experiments and projects to Sarah, who is in the same program but with a year or so more to go. They are all VERY committed to their studies, it’s great to see my daughter be such a strong and dedicated woman in the world of science.
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And finally Beka gets down to work. With Vivian taking a nap on the desktop. I think the direct connection to the neuroscience desktop will make the neurons in her brain grow fast and furious, don’t you?
Beka and Baby Head
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You can read and see more of my trip to the East Coast here:
The drawing is of someone with a soul of destructive fire. But the quote could also be, and probably is, more about the introvert who has a good fire in their soul but never lets it out. Either way you have to do something with your soul. You have to express it, tame it, discipline it, let it free. Leaving it trapped inside might be the thing that actually does make it destructive.
You know what your fire is, let it out for others to enjoy and be warmed by.
I am going to my 40th High School Reunion this weekend in Darien, Connecticut. Most of us are past the age of trying to impress everyone with how much we have accomplished. It’s not like the 10th where we want to have already graduated from college and grad school. It’s not like the 20th where we want to show we have a family, a career, etc. It’s not like the 30th where we want to show we are aging well and have a nice home. It’s the 40th, when most of us aren’t still climbing a corporate ladder, we are just making sure we can climb any ladder. When we are likely fussing over grandkids, not kids. When we are as likely to be helping our adult kids deal with a divorce as getting a divorce ourselves. When we are wanting to give away things more than gather things.
The Friends
The number one thing I am expecting to hear over the weekend are these words, “You haven’t changed a bit!” Of course, it’s not going to be true. Then again it will be true. My best friend will still be a joking goofball, but also an open-minded, insightful and caring friend, as he was when I first met him at age 12. My 9th grade girlfriend will still be flirty and fun. She will also be confident, witty, soft-hearted and happy, just as she was when I met her at age 14. Many others will be who they were, only older. I expect some will have changed quite a bit. Someone who was a driven corporate type will have chucked it all to be a late blooming hippy chick. Another who was a nerd will have become a suave, debonaire man of the world.
Who We Are
But what I hope most of all is, no matter who a person was or who they became, that they wake up and go into the reunion content in knowing who they are now. Confident that who they are is ok. That we, all their companions of so long ago, would not be coming to this reunion if we didn’t want to know them for who they really are. We don’t need to hide, we don’t need to pretend to be someone we are not. We are among people who love us, who are looking forward to seeing us and hugging us and celebrating life-long friendships with us. No judgment, no whispering gossip, just kind and good thoughts for our friends. It might not have been who we were in High School, but it’s who we are now, and that’s what counts, right?
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Me circa 1973, Senior Year of High School
See, this proves I haven’t changed at all, uh huh!
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Cormac McCarthy, 1933 – not dead yet, Pulitzer Prize winning American author
All I remember is today is #3 of my ‘Your ID Please!’ series.
That Moment
It’s bound to happen if you live long enough in the same town. That moment when someone who contributed negatively to a difficult moment in your past appears before you. That happened to me a few months ago. I was in the middle of speaking when it happened. It threw me off my game for a few seconds, then I waved and kept on with my speech. While I was finishing the speech I was also deciding how I was going to respond to seeing this person. I made my choice quickly and with confidence. I knew exactly what I was going to do.
The Next Moment
When I was done, this person came over to ask a question. We greeted and I did what I had chosen to do (and indeed had already started to do in my mind and heart). I loved the person. That is all I did.
Love Lets In
They asked some questions about the topic, expressed some concerns about their ability to participate in our group activities and I responded with encouragement and confidence that they could. I asked questions about their experience in this area and they responded with a very profound and moving story of their life, with events, issues and challenges that would fell many a strong person. But this person had battled back over many years and was now ready to take on this next challenge.
Remembering The Future
I briefly wondered what they were thinking about as they talked to me. If they were remembering. But I didn’t linger on that. I lingered instead on the future. I saw this person’s success. I saw this person’s victory over their challenges. I saw this person’s need for my help and I saw me being happy helping. I was happy to have love in my heart.
When you have hate in your past, remember the future instead.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman
Quote by Robert Pinsky, 1940 – Not Dead Yet, American Poet
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By the way, if you share my blog posts somewhere, I always love finding out where they went, if you have the time to tell me. Thanks.
It’s common to hear someone say, ‘You just need to be yourself.’ Our maybe you have heard someone say, ‘I lost my identity in my marriage.’ Perhaps someone has said to you, ‘I don’t know who I am anymore.’ The answer to all these dilemmas is often thought to be a turning inward, getting away from other influences, to ‘find yourself.’
Inward and Outward
But how is that really possible? What is actually going to happen when you turn inward? Are you going to find self-satisfaction in your spleen, liberation in your liver? No, you are actually going to think back. Think back to things you used to do, attitudes and beliefs you used to have. You are also going to think back to the desires you used to have about what you want to be in the future. Maybe you have dreamt of being fit and muscular like you were when you were 25. Maybe you dreamt of learning to play piano when you were 15 and never did and now the idea has come back. Maybe you have always wanted to be an artist since you were a little kid. Maybe you want to be the loving, kind person you were when you lived with your grandfather that year when you were 10.
People, Places and Things
In each of those cases there are people, images, ideas, places, you have within those dreams. They are the concrete things you identify with (even if subconsciously) when you think of these ideals and hopes. They are connected to something outside yourself.
Perhaps the piano is connected to hearing your older sister play beautiful Christmas songs every winter. Maybe the fitness is connected to the happiness, health and the pride you had in how your body looked and felt at age 25. Possibly the art is connected to your love of beautiful museums your mother took you to on vacations. And there is no doubt the love and kindness is connected to how greatly you admired your grandfather as he lived out his days.
Becoming You in the World
Our identity is not truly, completely from within. It is when we identify with the world around us, when we reach out into the world and say ‘I want to aspire to that’ that we can see our identity start to form. When we pursue those things and make them our own; practicing, refining, believing, sharing, that is when it becomes us. And that is when we, and others, can identify our identity.
Who do you want to be and where did that come from?
I identify with the fact that today is the first in the ‘Identity’ series.
Prints are still available. $25.00
If you are tense, take a look and see if this might not be the problem.
Of course, to know this you have to admit what part of you is the part other people want you to be and what part is the part you want to be. That takes honest self-evaluation. Then of course the hard part come in. You have to admit it to the world and take action on it.
Have you been able to do this? How did you do it?
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Drawing by Marty Coleman
Quote is a Chinese Proverb
I found it online at the Facebook page of a friend, Kimberley Clayton Blaine. She is a wise woman, someone who is constantly growing and learning. She is one of those people you are glad is in the world. You can find her at her website/blog The Go-To Mom. She’s worth following.
Last night I had a few crackers before going to bed. Our cat, Mayru, was sitting on my lap and for some strange reason she was very insistent on wanting a cracker. This is not usual. But tonight she was crazy about it. I gave her a small piece and she actually ate it. Then she turned around on my lap and meowed plaintively, wanting another piece. I gave her another and she bit it, dropped it and jumped off my lap, walking away, never to return.
Now, I don’t think she contemplates will power and resisting temptation much. So, what happened? Well, what she does is go with her desire. She wanted the cracker, didn’t resist that desire and got the cracker. Then didn’t have the desire, no longer wanted it and walked away. The key wasn’t that she wanted it and pushed it away in spite of wanting it, it was that she just no longer wanted it.
I’m No Help at All
I sometimes am told that people are impressed with my ability to give things up. It seems I can give something up and stick with it. They might think I am good at avoiding temptation, that I have great will power, that I am disciplined. But the honest truth is that I can give it up not because I am good at resisting temptation, but because the temptation goes away. I am actually not good at resisting temptation, I am better at getting rid of temptation.
Saying I ‘get rid of temptation’ makes it sound like I actually do it. But the truth is, and one of the reasons I am not all that great at advising others in their attempts to get rid of bad habits, is they just go away. I usually don’t do anything to get rid of them beyond having the simple desire for them to go away. That’s it. Sometimes it takes years (one habit took 45 years for the temptation to go away). Sometimes it takes an instant. I don’t really know why, though I wish I did.
The Key, No Matter What
What I do know is that even when they just go away and I didn’t do much to make it happen but to wish for it, I still need to make a choice not to go looking for that lost temptation to see if it’s still hanging around out there. It’s like an ex-lover you are over but that you sometimes still pine for. If you go searching to see ‘how they are doing’ you are looking to see if the temptation is hanging around. And that temptation that is lost is suddenly found again. That is not a good thing. Let it stay lost, it can’t add up to much without you.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Mae West, 1893-1980, American Actress and Playwright.
I didn’t change my mind, today is still going to be Resistance #2.
What’s Behind the Fear?
I like this quote a lot. It focuses one’s attention on what we really fear when it comes to change. We fear WE are going to have to change. Think about any change you fear and see if you don’t find that, at its essence, it isn’t a fear that it will lead you to have to change.
Isn’t that why we often don’t like new styles in hair, clothing, accessories? Aren’t we afraid, when you get right down to it, that we will have to change and wear that style ourselves? That is when the judgment seems to be necessary right? As a method to keep the change at bay, away from us and the resulting change that we would have to suffer through.
What do you think of this idea?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Peter M Senge, 1947 – not dead yet, American Organizational Development expert.
Do not resist the fact that it’s day #1 of a new series on Resistance.
Stealing From Susan
Last year I won a writing contest put on by Susan Steinbrecher. I won a weekend at the Gaylord Texan outside of Dallas and we went over the 4th of July weekend, 2012. It was a great time and I was able to meet Susan during the weekend, which was a great honor. She recently launched a new website dedicated to promoting her abilities as a speaker and I went to check it out. There were video samples of her speaking and this quote was the very first thing that she spoke about. I stole it from her because I liked it so much.
What Not To Resist
Susan was referring to the futility of resisting change in the business world. In particular she was talking about the technology, communication, globalization and more 21st century elements to modern business. She said people can try to resist, but that resistance won’t change anything. The future is going to come, whether you resist it or not. The future persists. Indeed, it is the most persistent element of life. Some things are bad to resist.
What To Resist
However, there are areas of life where it is good to resist. When you see racism or sexism or bigotry or corruption, it’s good to resist. When you feel yourself sliding into mediocrity, it’s good to resist. When you are tempted to blame, gossip or hate, it’s good to resist. These things also persist. But unlike the future they can actually fade, becoming lest persistent. And your resistance to them is one of the actions needed to help them fade away. Some things are good to resist.
What Do you Resist?
What is it you try to resist? Are you effective or not? Explain.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Susan Steinbrecher, American business leadership consultant and speaker.
