The drawing is of someone with a soul of destructive fire. But the quote could also be, and probably is, more about the introvert who has a good fire in their soul but never lets it out. Either way you have to do something with your soul. You have to express it, tame it, discipline it, let it free. Leaving it trapped inside might be the thing that actually does make it destructive.
You know what your fire is, let it out for others to enjoy and be warmed by.
I am going to my 40th High School Reunion this weekend in Darien, Connecticut. Most of us are past the age of trying to impress everyone with how much we have accomplished. It’s not like the 10th where we want to have already graduated from college and grad school. It’s not like the 20th where we want to show we have a family, a career, etc. It’s not like the 30th where we want to show we are aging well and have a nice home. It’s the 40th, when most of us aren’t still climbing a corporate ladder, we are just making sure we can climb any ladder. When we are likely fussing over grandkids, not kids. When we are as likely to be helping our adult kids deal with a divorce as getting a divorce ourselves. When we are wanting to give away things more than gather things.
The Friends
The number one thing I am expecting to hear over the weekend are these words, “You haven’t changed a bit!” Of course, it’s not going to be true. Then again it will be true. My best friend will still be a joking goofball, but also an open-minded, insightful and caring friend, as he was when I first met him at age 12. My 9th grade girlfriend will still be flirty and fun. She will also be confident, witty, soft-hearted and happy, just as she was when I met her at age 14. Many others will be who they were, only older. I expect some will have changed quite a bit. Someone who was a driven corporate type will have chucked it all to be a late blooming hippy chick. Another who was a nerd will have become a suave, debonaire man of the world.
Who We Are
But what I hope most of all is, no matter who a person was or who they became, that they wake up and go into the reunion content in knowing who they are now. Confident that who they are is ok. That we, all their companions of so long ago, would not be coming to this reunion if we didn’t want to know them for who they really are. We don’t need to hide, we don’t need to pretend to be someone we are not. We are among people who love us, who are looking forward to seeing us and hugging us and celebrating life-long friendships with us. No judgment, no whispering gossip, just kind and good thoughts for our friends. It might not have been who we were in High School, but it’s who we are now, and that’s what counts, right?
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Me circa 1973, Senior Year of High School
See, this proves I haven’t changed at all, uh huh!
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Cormac McCarthy, 1933 – not dead yet, Pulitzer Prize winning American author
All I remember is today is #3 of my ‘Your ID Please!’ series.
That Moment
It’s bound to happen if you live long enough in the same town. That moment when someone who contributed negatively to a difficult moment in your past appears before you. That happened to me a few months ago. I was in the middle of speaking when it happened. It threw me off my game for a few seconds, then I waved and kept on with my speech. While I was finishing the speech I was also deciding how I was going to respond to seeing this person. I made my choice quickly and with confidence. I knew exactly what I was going to do.
The Next Moment
When I was done, this person came over to ask a question. We greeted and I did what I had chosen to do (and indeed had already started to do in my mind and heart). I loved the person. That is all I did.
Love Lets In
They asked some questions about the topic, expressed some concerns about their ability to participate in our group activities and I responded with encouragement and confidence that they could. I asked questions about their experience in this area and they responded with a very profound and moving story of their life, with events, issues and challenges that would fell many a strong person. But this person had battled back over many years and was now ready to take on this next challenge.
Remembering The Future
I briefly wondered what they were thinking about as they talked to me. If they were remembering. But I didn’t linger on that. I lingered instead on the future. I saw this person’s success. I saw this person’s victory over their challenges. I saw this person’s need for my help and I saw me being happy helping. I was happy to have love in my heart.
When you have hate in your past, remember the future instead.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman
Quote by Robert Pinsky, 1940 – Not Dead Yet, American Poet
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By the way, if you share my blog posts somewhere, I always love finding out where they went, if you have the time to tell me. Thanks.
It’s common to hear someone say, ‘You just need to be yourself.’ Our maybe you have heard someone say, ‘I lost my identity in my marriage.’ Perhaps someone has said to you, ‘I don’t know who I am anymore.’ The answer to all these dilemmas is often thought to be a turning inward, getting away from other influences, to ‘find yourself.’
Inward and Outward
But how is that really possible? What is actually going to happen when you turn inward? Are you going to find self-satisfaction in your spleen, liberation in your liver? No, you are actually going to think back. Think back to things you used to do, attitudes and beliefs you used to have. You are also going to think back to the desires you used to have about what you want to be in the future. Maybe you have dreamt of being fit and muscular like you were when you were 25. Maybe you dreamt of learning to play piano when you were 15 and never did and now the idea has come back. Maybe you have always wanted to be an artist since you were a little kid. Maybe you want to be the loving, kind person you were when you lived with your grandfather that year when you were 10.
People, Places and Things
In each of those cases there are people, images, ideas, places, you have within those dreams. They are the concrete things you identify with (even if subconsciously) when you think of these ideals and hopes. They are connected to something outside yourself.
Perhaps the piano is connected to hearing your older sister play beautiful Christmas songs every winter. Maybe the fitness is connected to the happiness, health and the pride you had in how your body looked and felt at age 25. Possibly the art is connected to your love of beautiful museums your mother took you to on vacations. And there is no doubt the love and kindness is connected to how greatly you admired your grandfather as he lived out his days.
Becoming You in the World
Our identity is not truly, completely from within. It is when we identify with the world around us, when we reach out into the world and say ‘I want to aspire to that’ that we can see our identity start to form. When we pursue those things and make them our own; practicing, refining, believing, sharing, that is when it becomes us. And that is when we, and others, can identify our identity.
Who do you want to be and where did that come from?
I identify with the fact that today is the first in the ‘Identity’ series.
Prints are still available. $25.00
If you are tense, take a look and see if this might not be the problem.
Of course, to know this you have to admit what part of you is the part other people want you to be and what part is the part you want to be. That takes honest self-evaluation. Then of course the hard part come in. You have to admit it to the world and take action on it.
Have you been able to do this? How did you do it?
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Drawing by Marty Coleman
Quote is a Chinese Proverb
I found it online at the Facebook page of a friend, Kimberley Clayton Blaine. She is a wise woman, someone who is constantly growing and learning. She is one of those people you are glad is in the world. You can find her at her website/blog The Go-To Mom. She’s worth following.
Last night I had a few crackers before going to bed. Our cat, Mayru, was sitting on my lap and for some strange reason she was very insistent on wanting a cracker. This is not usual. But tonight she was crazy about it. I gave her a small piece and she actually ate it. Then she turned around on my lap and meowed plaintively, wanting another piece. I gave her another and she bit it, dropped it and jumped off my lap, walking away, never to return.
Now, I don’t think she contemplates will power and resisting temptation much. So, what happened? Well, what she does is go with her desire. She wanted the cracker, didn’t resist that desire and got the cracker. Then didn’t have the desire, no longer wanted it and walked away. The key wasn’t that she wanted it and pushed it away in spite of wanting it, it was that she just no longer wanted it.
I’m No Help at All
I sometimes am told that people are impressed with my ability to give things up. It seems I can give something up and stick with it. They might think I am good at avoiding temptation, that I have great will power, that I am disciplined. But the honest truth is that I can give it up not because I am good at resisting temptation, but because the temptation goes away. I am actually not good at resisting temptation, I am better at getting rid of temptation.
Saying I ‘get rid of temptation’ makes it sound like I actually do it. But the truth is, and one of the reasons I am not all that great at advising others in their attempts to get rid of bad habits, is they just go away. I usually don’t do anything to get rid of them beyond having the simple desire for them to go away. That’s it. Sometimes it takes years (one habit took 45 years for the temptation to go away). Sometimes it takes an instant. I don’t really know why, though I wish I did.
The Key, No Matter What
What I do know is that even when they just go away and I didn’t do much to make it happen but to wish for it, I still need to make a choice not to go looking for that lost temptation to see if it’s still hanging around out there. It’s like an ex-lover you are over but that you sometimes still pine for. If you go searching to see ‘how they are doing’ you are looking to see if the temptation is hanging around. And that temptation that is lost is suddenly found again. That is not a good thing. Let it stay lost, it can’t add up to much without you.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Mae West, 1893-1980, American Actress and Playwright.
I didn’t change my mind, today is still going to be Resistance #2.
What’s Behind the Fear?
I like this quote a lot. It focuses one’s attention on what we really fear when it comes to change. We fear WE are going to have to change. Think about any change you fear and see if you don’t find that, at its essence, it isn’t a fear that it will lead you to have to change.
Isn’t that why we often don’t like new styles in hair, clothing, accessories? Aren’t we afraid, when you get right down to it, that we will have to change and wear that style ourselves? That is when the judgment seems to be necessary right? As a method to keep the change at bay, away from us and the resulting change that we would have to suffer through.
Do not resist the fact that it’s day #1 of a new series on Resistance.
Stealing From Susan
Last year I won a writing contest put on by Susan Steinbrecher. I won a weekend at the Gaylord Texan outside of Dallas and we went over the 4th of July weekend, 2012. It was a great time and I was able to meet Susan during the weekend, which was a great honor. She recently launched a new website dedicated to promoting her abilities as a speaker and I went to check it out. There were video samples of her speaking and this quote was the very first thing that she spoke about. I stole it from her because I liked it so much.
What Not To Resist
Susan was referring to the futility of resisting change in the business world. In particular she was talking about the technology, communication, globalization and more 21st century elements to modern business. She said people can try to resist, but that resistance won’t change anything. The future is going to come, whether you resist it or not. The future persists. Indeed, it is the most persistent element of life. Some things are bad to resist.
What To Resist
However, there are areas of life where it is good to resist. When you see racism or sexism or bigotry or corruption, it’s good to resist. When you feel yourself sliding into mediocrity, it’s good to resist. When you are tempted to blame, gossip or hate, it’s good to resist. These things also persist. But unlike the future they can actually fade, becoming lest persistent. And your resistance to them is one of the actions needed to help them fade away. Some things are good to resist.
What Do you Resist?
What is it you try to resist? Are you effective or not? Explain.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Susan Steinbrecher, American business leadership consultant and speaker.
Today a friend in Australia posted this as part of a comment on Facebook, ‘Spat the Dummy’. I had no idea what that meant but I found out from my friend that is literally means for a baby to spit out their pacifier, which is called a ‘dummy’ in Australia. It’s used as a term to mean you are angry and frustrated, done with something. It got me thinking about words and so I thought I would do an alphabet of word origins.
The Purest Album
Why is The Beatles White Album the purest album ever? It’s because of what ‘Album’ originally meant. Here’s a hint, It could be titled ‘The Album Album’.
Here is the explanation from the Dictionary of Word Origins, by Jordan Almond, one of my favorite books. And yes really, that’s the author’s name.
‘A table with a white top on which were kept the names of Roman officials and accounts of public proceedings which was prominently displayed in a public place. The word comes from the Latin albus, meaning “white.” The British adopted the term during the Middle Ages and used it to signify a register or list of persons. From this, “Album” acquired it’s present meaning.’
